Hello from the other siiiiide

Hola! Is it just me, or can we all just not sit with ourselves completely unstimulated anymore? 

Walking outdoors with music in our cans

chilling on the couch with the tv on, even when there's no active viewing

cooking whilst glancing the phone every few minutes

I literally cannot recall the last time I quietly sat on the laptop with only my thoughts, typing away. Oh I missed the sound of tap...tap...tapping of the keys! Being a freelancer as a voice artist also doesn't require me to be spending too much time on the laptop, so this is making me rather uncomfortable. Hmmm...

But have we also become more guarded? I'm pretty sure no one lurks around here anymore, but there's a mental block that has been built nonetheless. Which is strange, because there's absolutely nothing going on in my life that's causing any upheavals (wait..) Back when I still used to write a lot, and had readers, I would get into trouble quite regularly because of what I'd written here. 

Ah, trouble. For all the times I wished for a boring, uneventful life in my 20s, I can't help but wonder - was that time better? (Lord, this was such a Carrie Bradshaw statement! Imagine me being videotaped typing that.)

Is it really more fun while we're struggling at everything, or simply more engaging? Should we sometimes just throw a bomb where we're standing just for fun? 

But...consequences. Those are getting harder to reverse. All this pussyfooting is exhausting. I guess it's just easier to occupy the brain with back-to-back true crime documentaries to transport yourself to a place you can't be, but is oh so dangerous and, titillating? There are no real consequences to being a couch potato, minus the weight gain of course (which can also get pretty real in a few years. Bleckh.)

This desperate need for stability is confusing the hell out of me. Are we trained/conditioned to want it or is emotional safety and security really an essential human requirement for survival? How is one supposed to balance it with the other intense need for excitement? Whatever you do, whatever professional growth, whichever solo travel, experiences, a night out of drinking, there's just no substitute...nothing rejuvenates you like that spark between two unfamiliar people, the NRE. The heavy price of monogamy, is it worth it? I sure hope so. 

Is that why everyone around me is having children, to shake things up? Is that why I'm aiming for the same? I think so. Is that okay to admit? It's fine, you don't have to answer any of these questions. I pay a therapist for that. *wink wink*

The other day my new-mother bestie called me on her way back from work, begging me to part with some gossip, *any* gossip! I told her I wouldn't be trying to make a track on Logic Pro on a Friday evening if I had absolutely anything. I thought to myself - should I create some drama in my life so I can entertain her? It has worked in the past, she usually plays safer than me, but for me always supports "being on your own journey". That's probably why she called. Hoping I had fucked up something else now. This dynamic has worked for us for years, I don't mind. 

But then I also thought - is that how it's going to be when *I* become a mother? I mean, I'm struggling already! Is the "shaking things up" going to backfire? With endless maternal activities of breastfeeding, teaching, feeding, cooking for them, taking them to school, sitting for family poojas and gatherings giving them all kinds of positive experiences without showing an ounce of weakness, not being able to take a day off to sink into our imperfect selves for 18 long years, being so physically drained, you wouldn't know a limb from your libido. How long will I be able to sustain that lie of a life? That pure numbness, will it compound, or will you just settle into it, like subcutaneous fat? Some people are just built for that life. Some, like me, are petrified they will never fit the mould. 

They say - you realise when you have a child that you never even knew what love was before. What did life even look like before this lump? Helllooo, am I supposed to be aspire for a life that makes my current life look redundant?! Why do people say that - I don't know what life was like before my kid!!! 

Well, at least there's one consolation. I think my extreme level of pessimism is purely a defence mechanism, and I discover that things aren't usually as bad as they seem. And who knows what will happen tomorrow? The important thing is to look ahead, keep moving, keep experiencing anything and everything that comes your way. When have I ever known Archita to be boring, to be standing in one place hoping to throw a bomb at the ground beneath her feet? Wish me luck :) 

'til next time, whenever that will be!