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I've been wanting to write for quite some time. Not poetry, but just write. A little pressure from the MICA batchmates who only recently discovered the awesomeness that is me or it could be because so much is going on in my life I feel there should be a chronicle to capture everything. I mean, a few years down the line the autobiography would need some hardcore content, right?!?! Heh.


Another problem was the theme. Somehow the best ones struck me either in the Metro or my bed - late night or early morning - but the Metro's too crowded and my quilt way too cozy for me to find a writing device and pen down the train of thoughts. So well, all those themes are gone. Boo-hoo.


But S reminded me that it's merely a blog and more importantly, it's MY blog and MOST importantly, no one really cares, so I'm just gonna go with the flow, 'cause apparently the flow knows where to go (copied from a friend's fb status, originality's overrated)


So the previous month has been über fantastic! (for the lack of a better word) I was the compere of the half yearly Marketing meet and that went better than I imagined (my compering i.e, not the 24 powerpoint presentations we had to sit through) You know, when stranger uncles and aunties come and tell you that you remind them of their daughter, it feels nice. And warm and fuzzy. 


Alright then, shaking off the pansyness.


Immediately following this was a MICA friend's wedding to another MICA friend so the entire MICA junta landed up in Delhi for the festivities. I barely remember anything from those 2 days, majorly because there was such fantastic alcohol at all the functions, but here and there I get flashes of it being quite a grand affair. I don't doubt it at all. Though there are some embarrassing tales that involved my sari stinking and getting torn so I'd rather not put it in digital ink 'cause when you are having 5 shots of that pink vodka you probably think "Hey! How potent can anything pink be?" DON'T LET IT FOOL YOU! Especially not after you've already had Wine and Schnapps. And especially especially when the bartender is a mad crazy fucker who tops up your drink 3 times with Absolut. Yes, I counted, but did I care? Also, if anybody asks, I wasn't there. What's better you have no pictures to prove otherwise. Hah!


Moving on.


I still hadn't got a chance to miss my friends when the MICA reunion happened. So we happily packed our bags for Gujju land. I also carried my laptop which people initially made fun of but ended up using it eventually. Ha-hah! 8 and a 1/2 months apart and it felt like I never left. Or I was dreaming. Either way, it was a great way to achieve closure.


If all this wasn't enough, one of the most successful JVs of our country divorced. And of course, I am employed by that company. I swear, I had no role to play in it. They split amicably but I think there were irreconcilable differences. Oh wait, or was that Britney and her 3rd husband? 


All this lead to a flurry of brainstorming sessions and I can't tell you how much brains I have put to use since last week. New name, logo making, copywriting...it's like when my boss tells me "Stop making taglines and start creating campaigns!"


Apart from all this my parents finally got the courage to bring up the M word. To which I realized how much I actually detest the whole concept of it. There's so much to lose and so little to gain. For 5 years of regular sex I ain't gonna be miserable for 50 - boredom, stress, lack of freedom, having to keep the new family happy, kids, a compromised career, a husband that comes late from work just so he doesn't need to help out with household chores. And such men after 25 years of marriage say how women are still a mystery to them! I don't blame them, it's hard for them to understand anything beyond food and sex. And evolution and nagging has still not made them enjoy shopping. A shame, really.


Without spewing any more poison on marriages, maybe for the career zone, I'd let this article speak for its articulate self.


iPhone and Android users, download Angry Birds. What a delightful little game!


OK so right about now I am tucking myself in. Good night or hope you've had a good night's sleep last night. Whatever works for you. 

'Cause I said I would...write for you

You're a clock that reaches before time
but doesn't guilt trip me

A welcome drink that doesn't charge a penny
and gets me inebriated just right

You're a punching bag that never deflates
and keeps a permanent smile painted upon your face

How everything I do is decoded to "cute"
is beyond comprehension of my pals and I

Like the cheeks of mine you love to pull
you're a mould that bends anyway without complaints

A peaceful, serene outdoor you resemble
that seals me from all things that I'd like to escape

You got in my head before I could realize
You know my no's that mean no's and no's that mean yes

And I am happy that I finally know
the sappy maniac I never thought I could be!

Corner

fallen breadcrumbs
collected over time, she gives birth
to magic mushrooms

365 on 365

Posted this same day last year and though I've stopped counting, it remains one of my favorites. 
*****************************************************************************************************************
365
I said, I said
give me one chance
perhaps
a little more time
but I steal my line
to imagine
you said, you said
When was it my business?
it will only be
if you torment me
but you won't
so
I wonder, I wonder
was it about me
or never at all
and I hope it is
your inadequacies
but
I still, I still
reminisce
your pressure
here, here and here
I could show you
if only you were here.

I would say
I don't care
yet
I know, I know
and heartbreakingly so,
its been 365
and I'm still counting.

Caution. Men at Work.

the sky is blushing in every shade of orange
merging with the flush of her cheeks
heaving spryly her ladies spring to life
free like proud mountain peaks
that her sundress wreak

the air is breathing in his gelled hair
and exhausting it in her face
the car purrs in its luxuriousness
camouflaging the soft moans that the mouth misplaced
amazed at the bulging mace

his foot on throttle, a hand eclipsed
her monster devoured the guest
their eyes align to speak the same language
and lust gets the self-righteous arrest
as they shamelessly undress

the leaves bellowing at tender lips
the hair on her skin excited by static
the friction, the animal, the deceleration
his cult turns acrobatic
following the cycle of prescribed schematic

the leather makes for the head rest tonight
porcelain resistors crack one by one
fissures they burst out into flames
between legs that were undone
this was just the dry run

he comes from a fairytale reputation
of being Viagra minus the pill
he doesn't know her name but breaks and for once asks
and she didn't bother telling him still
another town - she was well known for the same skill

New and Improved

Lately I've being searching far and wide for new music. Some of the ones on my iPod have been residing there for the past 2-3 years! I think they need to be trashed for more reasons than one -

a) Life has changed
b) Influences have changed
c) This musician needs new inspiration
d) Some songs remind you of times where you don't wanna go again

So I feel it's my moral responsibility to share some of my current favorites. Now these might not be exactly critic friendly and Mr. Existentialism, after reading this, will probably go - Where is that candor piece on coitus, men? - but well, fuck you.

I don't have a particularly favorite genre so here's a mix.

R&B Soul
Jazmine Sullivan - Holding You Down (Goin' In Circles) and Bust Your Windows
This woman has a beautiful subtle-husky voice with emotions sprinkled in sultry sexiness. Holding You Down (Goin' In Circles) is currently in the Billboard Top 100 and if you watch Glee, you must've seen Mercedes do a superbly choreographed cover of Bust Your Windows. Both songs - like a vocal jellyblast in the brain. Get your forks out.

Rihanna - Te Amo
The last time I liked Rihanna was like three years back with Umbrella, though that got old too soon. When you hear (and read the lyrics of) Te Amo you will realize why her latest album is named Rated R. Very earthy and without the annoying (nasal) vocal frills that have been rather characteristic of her lately. Hello sleep time music.

Usher feat. Pitbull- DJ Got Us Fallin In Love
Pitbull reminds me of MICA. Alcohol reminds me of MICA parties. This reminds me of MICA parties. I miss MICA parties. I miss MICA.

Country 
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
I'd like to thank Air India for introducing me to this song. I remember going home and google searching the lyrics to look for what bloody song it was! Draws out memories, and the boy-girl duet with their respective stories makes it deliciously painful.

Miranda Lambert - White Liar
You'd fall in love with her when you watch the music video. Or you can listen to absolutely any song by her. The honesty in her music makes me hate the genre, that has to have the words 'mama', 'beer' and ol' in every song, a little lesser.

Rock/Alternative
Paramore - Ignorance and Decode
Hayley Williams has that super infectious energy and the skill for simple but clever songwriting. Makes me want to burst out with this in the Delhi Metro! Just the song to get you up and about on lazy winter mornings. Decode is my mobile ringtone, I look forward to getting more phone calls.

Happy listening! Let me know how you liked them.
Have some songs that I can't give a miss? Please share in the comment box.

Animal

an owl that watches you sleep
bat ears, they detect your lies
cat eyes that see right through you
the hyena laugh is her anger's guise

irked, she howls akin to a wolf
getting under your skin like a tapeworm
she's a leech feeding on your blood
permanent like an unclean hand's germ

a barking dog that barricades the door
a lion inked on her shoulder blade
she did soften to become your goat
but beware! even her toe rings are rattlesnakes

to keep you living
an animal was because;
to keep you from leaving
an animal she was

Support Systems

He's running out of words
as he ran out of emotions
he's trying to make a joke
but they've heard it all before
he looks at his damaged self
and the ones he took down with him
so he holds on to her tightly
'cause she might be the only one who'd care
as she made his life hers
when she didn't know any better
that she'd find a hollow man
who talked of a lovely blue sweater
she thought it was about her
it was not
it was not
her former friends
don't miss her at the weekly melting pot
she hoped it would be a vacation
but was tied down
to a fisherman's knot
she thought she'd live it long
her heart is ill
now life is short
she once loved this man
but he didn't bother a squat
she saw all the signs
but she deliberately forgot

don't feel bad for him
especially don't feel sad for her
she made that choice
they had their shot

Blast from the past-III

It's time for another one of 'em embarrassing teenage poetry y'all. W00t!

A little background: Wrote this for my then boyfriend on our first anniversary. *Sigh* on being 18 and doing things parents wouldn't approve!

This Kiss

We talk
    we digress

As we look into each other's eyes
    somehow you read every thought on my mind
       and we know it's time

You lock the door
    and I try to relax
       even after a year, it's the same old new

You walk towards me
   I'm still gasping for my breath

You sit beside me
   and I smile, attenuated

You lift your hand and push my hair back
   your fingertips gently caressing my nape

As you move closer to me
   I feel a warm whiff of air on my face
      my eyes closed, lips trembling
         and that moment when we kiss
            I drift to a fantasy land
               I never want to come back.

Stay with me, my lover
   'cause I need you in this time of my youth
      'cause you never know the turns of this capricious life
         this kiss was only a prelude

We can be happy
   this state of trance could go on
      this rhapsody could play forever
         such is the power of this kiss

Pimp yo bro

Sometimes people ask me why or how I am the way I am. I think being a Kashmiri might have something to do with it. If you visit Kashmiri families or come to our functions like weddings et al, you'll see that it's the women who do all the super-excited greetings. The men, in the meanwhile, huddle up in groups of 3 in the corner, possibly to avoid work and acquiring any semblance of intelligence, and whisper amongst each other about life in the valley and how they wish they had kangris. So I've sworn to never get married to a Kashmiri guy.

But I guess times they are a-changing and I guess I wouldn't mind a guy like my brother.

//Brother pimping begins

He's 19, single, quizzer, sings really well, super funny, brilliant footballer, was part of MUN and all, is currently confused between Law or pursuing CS after graduation and writes superbly. You might even ask why he's still single. My guess is it's 'cause his name's a little girly.

Look how adorable.

Oh sorry! That's the dog, Tutu. I didn't have a say in naming him either.

Seems like a normal boy from a normal family, no?

//Brother pimping ends

Being away from my family for 4 years made me feel more affectionate towards him. So when I came back home for good, I got FIFA installed on my laptop for him out of sheer love. OK so now basically I want him off my back! Wake up in the morning and he's on my laptop. Sleep at night, he's on the laptop. When he's not on my laptop he's jam-growling with his guy friends over the phone. Gay. He really should get a gf so he gets a life and stops snitching on me every Saturday when I get home a little beyond the deadline (or how I like to call it - dadline. Getit?)

This is an example of us engaging in a typical friendly banter:

SaTan: Are you like...CRYING?
Me: Shut up. It's Grey's! (Anatomy) I have gone through 6 seasons of an emotional rollercoaster, this affects my life. 
SaTan: Gay. 
Me: Wtf! Like you don't get upset when Manchester United loses! 
SaTan: (with eyes exactly like in the picture) They are like...uh...REAL PEOPLE! 
Me: Shut up! Get the hell out! 
SaTan: And that's your best comeback? Gay.

And yeah, he likes to sign off as SaTan. Don't ask.

Anybody interested? 

In other news, there is a glass window in my office which really stupid pigeons like to collide into. Damn funny it is. Unless they're blind or something.

Tales from the Metro - Ladies coach

No more
butt pinching
dick pressing
looking down your shirt
body odour
pickpocketing
losing temper
violent thoughts.

We rejoice
except the ones looking for love
in the next morning's paper.

I lost atleast 10 grams writing this

So today during Anjaana Anjaani (omfg the mind numbing, bored the holy bejesus out of me, it took a Robot to bring me back to life, though I would've preferred a fuck) S goes "Oh Happy Gandhi Jayanti" and I'm pretty sure though I stared at him for like 2 seconds and didn't answer back 'cause I was trying to wrap my brain around it. If only it had been a weekday...Then later when we were quietly digging into our McChickens, Saare Jahan Se Accha instrumental version was playing in the mall, I have no clue why (ohh...right) we started discussing if that's the national song or if its Vande Mataram. I remember sometime back in school that used to be one of those questions that the history teacher used to feel proud of that they've tricked us into, except that we never really cared and since S and I are coincidentally from the same school, we probably related to it 'cause we chuckled harmoniously. (I dunno actually, I didn't ask why he chuckled) Either way, I don't know what it means to be patriotic. I only understand fanaticism. Though not the kind of fanaticism that Ms. Kiara aka Piggy Chops had in the friggin movie about suicide 'cause she was like totally perky about the whole thing. Weird. Dhishoom to my head wonly. And do you know there's a movie on homosexuals coming out soon titled "Dunno Y"? Why, god, why? I don't even believe in you and I'm still crying out to you.

Amongst other things that S has emphatically started saying to me are "Why would anybody wanna date you?", "Dude! You're screwed up" and "No wonder you're single!" He sort of logically concludes what my ex said to me a few days back "Oh I see the temper's still there" I don't even know why I waste my breath on boys anymore, the incorrigible robosapiens (ok 'that' I stole from Superstar Rajni) As long as I am earning and have a laptop and an internet connection I seriously don't understand why I need a guy. Which contradicts one of the recent feelings that I have towards romantic relationships 'cause I tried the whole 'random' thing and it's really not worth my time. Though it will help my re-celibate cause by totally putting me off sex. Yayness all around.

However, if I am being standoffish or cold or mean or whatever the words are, I'm totally gonna blame my parents, all 25 years of it, 'cause it seems like the easiest thing to do. I don't know how to display affection at all and when I do try and genuinely at that, I start crying. I know, beats me! Currently my idea of showing love is to wear a t-shirt that says "My dog is cuter than your dog" and it's sad 'cause my dog can't read. Actually no dog...yyyeahhh. Though I think S has helped that situation to some extent by being the weirdly expressive person that he is and by constantly calling me a pussy, apart from the more obvious reason. My hand holding record is now 4 seconds! Say whaaa! Hi5! (Slap it, don't grab it. Wow. So. Many. Images.) And I offered to take my parents out twice, except they wanted to do other things. Can't say I didn't try.

The awesome bit is that I get to see A.R. Rahman tomorrow live! Hearing his Robot/Enthiran soundtrack, I was reminded of the episode when Ross played his keyboard at the Central Perk. Yeah. I'm getting a few footwear my way aren't I?

Love in the times of internet

Is it me or is it you that stalks?
You're onto me like an invisible hawk
You may or may not have a plan of attack
Either way I've kept eyes on my back

Once, twice, now three times a day?
this predictibility's understood by your processor's cache
it don't need your command, your mind it can read
your mind says your heart has always bled for me

Even if you don't agree please don't deny
I've been longing for someone to give me that high
The high that you yourself took from me
like the morning espresso reminding me of the absentee

What's the point now? Your guess is as good as mine
though I can still see some remnants of our shrine
the remnants that most my conversations let drop
Now is it you or is it me that stalks?

Tales from the Metro

Departure
His eyes follow her
slowly swallowed by the crowd
she appears waving

Arrival
His eyes follow her
slowly emerging from the crowd
spit out in his arms

Whympires?

1 episode down True Blood and a couple of things just came to my mind, more like tickling queries.

1) Why are vampires broody? And, taking it further, why are women attracted to broody men?

As fast as Robert Pattinson was in his actions, his responses while talking were annoyingly decelerated. Now unless he's reciting Neruda I don't think I have any reason to stare into his colored lens covered eyes.

I once liked a broody shy guy in 8th grade. But after a while I realized he was just arrogant. Now that I know him a little better, I think it was the shy thing wonly. I guess I made up nasty things about him in my head 'cause he had a crush on our school slut and couldn't care less about me.

You see how I turn everything into anything about me? And, can broody and shy go together?

2) How do you get attracted to a person who's physically cold all the time?

I mean, I live in Delhi. And I hate winters. The only times I've enjoyed it...

So yeah. Cold not hot for the Atrisa.

3) Points 1) and 2) are important 'cause I could never figure out the crux of the matter - The Boner. How do you get one without blood?

Ok, so they drink blood. They have some in their system. Then why are they cold?

If blood dissolves like food, do they excrete?

If they excrete and they don't contain any blood then how do they get the boner!?!?!

Talk about a challenge in the bedroom. Grrr!

Episode 2 True Blood or Episode 14 Modern Family?

Latter. Hmm.

Two things

There are two things that bring me home, he said

Your glistening lips and breakfast in bed.

When you wake up in the morning and walk away from me

Hastily tying your hair up but bodily esprit

The naked spine carrying the night’s battle scars

So much pleasure is a sin so put me behind bars.

You pause to turn your head back to blow me a kiss

What incredible power you have over me, miss

I stroke the sheets and the heat that still lingers

And memories of last night when I put a ring on your finger.

There are two things that bring me home, he said

I become the child again and you bring me breakfast in bed.

Salt scents

tangerine
your whiff that sighs past me and halts for her measure
musk
the hands that bury deep in another's pleasure
mint
that is found lingering at the corner of your lips
aqua
as she touches from your scalp to the hairtips

though I can't smell you
I will keep safe the haze around you from the fog machine
and its odorless glycerine

Marriagerial

I was just thinking...What if someday I meet a guy and find him marriage material, knowing that he doesn't have a gf and is also looking to get hitched but can't 'cause he's not able to meet someone new because of his hectic lifestyle, then talk to my parents and ask them to go and talk to his parents to ask for his hand in marriage?

Even the thought is odd, but not so much when the tables are turned, right?

I might wanna do that! Someday. Fun it will be! (Though scary for potential in-laws)

For now, I must stop obsessing over marriage. Jeez. Talk about getting older.

(CBZ) Xtreme torture

*eye rub*

*eye rub*

*eye rub*

Am I still in the office? *Yawn*


S made me a cute little comic which I've pinned up next to my monitor that says "Aim High, Yo! What's the worst that could happen?" S, sadly when you wrote "What's the worst that could happen?", you probably didn't think things through.

I think I might start hallucinating soon. Right now I'm wondering if I'm hallucinating my career. I guess it's better than the last time around when I almost destroyed my career dropping all my work to run off to meet the guy who became the sole reason why I even wanted to come to work in the morning. Meh.

Could I turn into one of those people who are wedded to their jobs? *shudder*

Eyes watering. Wanna. Go. Home.

It's only a few more hours till I get back to staring at this godforsaken monitor.

So gaya, yeh jahan, so gaya aasman. 
So gayi hain saari manzilein, par soyi nahi Atrisa.

Operation Havoc

Inebriated salivary tongue action, slurp-smack, hand on spine, he pull you feel nothing, loins moisture get no, wonder operative me. Means cipher. Means nada.

Enter room turgid weapon boy operative me like, do swish-swoosh he, shake knee stand can not, head spin, wonder operative me. Chemical intoxicant naught. Boy intoxicant full. *vent all gas out, single long breathing, shoulder melt*

Get it?

Don't you miss it? :P

Oh, and do read Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk. I owe my new English language skills to that screwed up little man.

Woolgatherer

I buy myself a fresh canvas every night
to trace you in graphite
smear you in technicolor
dry it to freeze you
so I could hang you in front of me
and smell the acrylics that make me nauseous
and dizzy, like your kisses
before you fleet away
without making me your volition.

If there was a single dream in which you stayed
I'd never get out of my nightgown.

Polarity

Dear You,
I tried to reason with the signs
They say we aren't meant to be.
Every time you arrive
it's time for me to leave.
You taint every thing I ever love
I carry the load.
Our paths may have crossed yesterday
on opposite sides of the road.
I hope the dust that bounced off me touched thee.
Love,
Me.

Back with a phusss

That's right Delhi, you better pour and pour hard to make up for all the shittiness that is you! 5 minutes out of the plane and I swear I could extract 100 gms oil from my face so totally not fit for human consumption. That's 'cause it had all the arghhss mixed with it. And after 2 weeks in Bengaluru I love going "Wow, ok!" every 5 minutes on the road 'cause I have never seen such weird traffic with no signals, absolutely disregard of lanes and most importantly, human sanity.

Of all the emotions I have ever felt in my life, separation anxiety is the mother of all pathetic emotions. And for friggin Bengaluru! It could rain in my life forever. I was happy. I need to sleep on it. It seems every time I wake up, it's time for office. Go die. Delhi. Hmph.

Purpose of Visit: Business

First things first, I am loving Bangalore. And being born and brought up in that furnace/Alaska called Delhi, I truly value pleasant weather. This would perhaps be the only city where talking about the weather would not be considered small talk! As a monsoon lover, I am having a fantastic time soaking up the rain water, besides not getting enough of clicking the nimbus!

But, as they say, there's more to Bangalore than just this. It's not called Beer capital of the country for nothing. When I stepped onto Brigade Road the only words that came out of my mouth was "Holy Shit, this is a vacation!" It's a different thing that my dearest employer, though loves to tell me the places I should explore, also likes to keep me in the office till 8PM. 

Surprisingly though I have been enjoying my alone time in my solo hotel room more than wanting to go pub-hopping. All I need is my tv, laptop with wifi and one of my most treasured possessions, my iPod, to make my day, which reminds me of the times that S and I visit the electronic stores back at GIP in Noida and just gawk at the humongous flat screen TVs and (individually) promise to buy ourselves a complete home theatre system someday when we have our own places. 

A cranberry Breezer in the fridge, tons of work to do, TV on, guitar and wine tonight (Arv, chill it please) Could it get any better? Enjoy whatever's left of the weekend :)

Blast from the past - II

I was cleaning out some folders on the laptop and found a folder full of old stuff. Here's another old poem!

Endless Rhapsody
No one remembers how it all began

How she stepped into forbidden no man's land

When twisted mind got the best of she

Lost souls entwined in endless rhapsody

Being hurt never stopped from playing the game

Bleeding from inside, it was the beguiling dame

Days-nights went on being sworn to secrecy

Lost souls survived the endless rhapsody

So consumed, it absolutely had to stop

Emptying the bowl of shame she had filled up

She bowed out with whatever modesty

Lost souls died in endless rhapsody

****

Ah! Good ol' days :)

This is not funny or about sex

So I met with an accident today. Not the best way I want to see a car pile-on but anyway. Don't worry! I'm perfectly alright except a little pain in my shoulder and neck. If you think this post is about some philosophical this-is-my-second-chance-at-life-and-I'm-gonna-live-it-to-the-fullest post, you're wrong. But I did learn some lessons today. 

a) ALWAYS wear a seat belt, even if you're in the back seat (Helmet if you're on a two-wheeler) Saved me a lot of long-term trouble. Boy did I admire my seatbelt wearing habit today.  

b) Maintain adequate distance between your vehicle and the one ahead of you. In case you need to brake suddenly, you should have enough lead time to avoid mishaps, i.e. loss of human life and damages worth A LOT of money and psychological units

A couple of days back when I went for a road safety programme the trainer said "Always assume that everyone on the road is a doofus. You have to take care of your own self by being alert" 

It might not be the most interesting topic to talk about but it would be awesome if you shared your story, maybe we all can take something from it. 

Ride safe.

The honest scrap award/ Blast from the past

Aniruddha had tagged me in this post of his and I'm taking this opportunity to be as vulnerable as I can, so thanks Ani_aset for that and the award :P * applause*

I do have to admit though, that starting a blog has been one of the adventurous things I've ever done in my life. Starting with the haikus, to third person poems, then first person poems to completely doing away with the metaphorical, I feel I have sort of been successful in saying what I exactly feel.

I don't have a whole list of things that people don't know about me, I've pretty much been an open book. A little bit of my blog browsing and you'll know who I am!

So I present to you a poem (?) I wrote at 17, right before my current ex became my then bf (get it?) Hehe. Kindly keep the age in mind as you read. Also, keep a bucket handy in case you feel like barfing, reading the word "love" in every sentence.

*****************************

There are no words that can describe this feeling
it can only be felt
deep down inside of me
the pain,
the suffering,
the joke that has been played on me.

How can I ever tell you how much I love you
when I know that you would turn away
and never look back at me
Those eyes, those beautiful devastating eyes
that could read every thought on my mind
Those eyes that I loved,
from the moment I set my eyes on you.

I lied when I said I don't love you
I know I lied 'cause I couldn't look into your eyes
The truth is that I never stopped loving you
the love that has destroyed me
the love I still love.

I thought that maybe time would heal me
crying would heal me
but love once happened can't fade away.
It's sad that it should introduce itself to me this way

Now your memories can only haunt me
'cause though I love you more than I can ever say
you never cherished me that way,
the reasons, I can't understand.

I can't understand why our friendship never blossomed into love
I have never wanted anything this badly
And that I have imagined
you touching every single part of me
right from my forehead to the ankles
making love in the way that makes me cry now
when I touch myself thinking those hands are yours.

Maybe it's my fault that my love was always a joke to you
I lied when I said it was mere infatuation
but even if I stood firm with my feelings
you still wouldn't have comprehended
But I don't blame you
you are your own master
and it's not your fault you never loved me.

How can I start my life afresh
when the only person I needed was you
How can I move on
when my past doesn't leave me
and wants to be my present and my future
How will I live
if I cut out the biggest part of my heart
the part occupied by you.

Maybe this is not our last goodbye
but it shatters me nevertheless.

I don't know when this feeling
that started as an infatuation
and became an obsession
ended up being so intense
that I never realized it was love
till I tried to forget you.

So if you can't keep me happy
atleast don't make me sad
my heart will stay with you
so keep it safe.
I live by the moments that we've shared.

I wish I could give you more
just a little more
I wish I could give you everything you ever wanted
but now I'm left with nothing at all.

*****************************

I need to tag a few people so I guess I will!

a) Choco
b) Mentalie
c) Meghana (whenever she gets the time!)
d) Shamanth
e) Shagun
f) Prashant
g) Poe

Happy revealing and relieving! :P

Miss Misdemeanor

They say men think about sex more than women. I'm pretty sure today I could've put any man to shame. This is what I was scribbling during a Project Engineering lecture in my company's Learning & Innovation notepad to stay alive, hoping for any sort of a future.

Click on the picture to get a better view.

I don't wanna know what my peak would be like when I'm 30. Perhaps my moral compass, who's needle is already doing some chiggy wiggy, will let in some moisture (!) to destroy it completely. Meh. I just regret not using this much brain for academic purposes.

Chamba Wumba

Home is where the hill is
excavated like burrows in the terraces
winding roads shyly snuck away in the greens
clergy of trees subservient to the slope
they swish in harmony, the ventriloquists that they are
talk and hush in the same sentence
like silent whispers that baffle me
they might have seen me coming.
Your climb is futile
there's much of me to conquer still,
they say.
But they don't know that I win either way
when the heart is where beauty is, at every blind turn.

Shake it, shake it good!

One thing only a handful of people know about me is that before all the singing and acting and writing, I was a dancer in the school Indian Classical/Folk dance team. And though everyone presumes that I'd always be ready to shake my bootay, I don't see how that's happening unless I'm atleast 2 drinks down.

Only when the dijjay is playing such songs am I comfortable dancing:

a) Punjabi songs, being the true blue Delhiite that I am

b) EDM/House music, for I was heavily inspired over the past 2 years by my Bombay friends 

Since I consider the kind of dancing I've done in my school days as "superior" these are the songs I do not dance to under most conditions:

a) Billo Rani

b) Summer of 69

c) Numb by Linkin Park

Cheap, un-danceable and HUH?, respectively.

Last night, while I was taking rest between all the J-Lo type dancing, a random girl came out of nowhere and said to me "I love the way you dance, dance with me!" I was like "Woah baby!" and though I was drained completely, there was something about the proposition that had me up and about! There's no better compliment than a female praising you, serious! Besides, the woman had some legs on her. Hehe. 

No, I'm still not dancing to Billo Rani.

How Atrisa's Getting Her Groove Back

Dating a guy 3 years your junior is supremely fascinating. The first few days you just laugh at the thought that you got into it, then couple of days you walk the roads like a studette, later you start debating the rights and wrongs, though technically there don't seem to be any.

There are certain reasons that makes this an interesting proposition to me even if short term:
1) He is not very emotionally crippled at his age, which a great balancing act to moi
2) He considers you no less than a Goddess because:
    a) He thinks you're "experienced" (which may be true)
    b) He gets a gazillion brownie points with his other cute little hyper excited 22 yr old friends for dating a "senior"

However, there's a reason why I don't tell my friends about all the cheesy (but cute!) things he does 'cause anyway my friends have such things to say "bacche ki jaan legi kya?", "pyara sa baccha hai, use bigad mat", and ironically like another 22 yr old friend exclaims "Omg, he's so 22" (Stuff it woman)

On a complete tangent I also get "You have a thing for guys with popular blogs and book deals, don't you?"

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's not the writing that makes you, it's what you are that makes you a writer, and that's very hot to me. Heehee.

The level of attention I'm getting from this willing participant to pamper me is unmatched. Hope we both have fun while it lasts.

Dhak Dhak...Go!

Friends say my 4-day old company has already brainwashed me into thinking they're Gods. It could be 'cause I start worrying about how due to the presence of multiple brands in same product line Mahindra & Mahindra's scooties might gain market share, start babbling in between conversations ideas for branding, vehemently defending their corporate tagline or the fact that I get excited when I see my company's product booklet in the hands of some random person on the Delhi Metro.

Who cares. It's awesome to be passionate about something after what seems like ages, a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

And Prateek, it doesn't change the fact that I still aspire to spearhead programming in a big ass television company. Sometimes learning to love what you do is the best thing one can do.

Penetrate. Squeeze. Swallow.

Quite appropriately as I was listening to a song that went "we keep driving into the night..." while traveling in my strangely less crowded bus, I saw a man being highly animated with his hands. After a few seconds of trying to figure out what he was doing with some article in his hand, whether he was going to bomb the bus by showing some explosive (we're quite paranoid here in the capital city) or was just plain psycho, I realized he was simply demonstrating a product! So he was screwing this cylindrical object into an orange, then taking out a glass and filling it with its juice. Then squeezing the orange till about 3/4ths of the glass was full and then he ripped open the orange to show the product's effectiveness. Repeat with a lemon. Frankly I never thought one could get that much juice out of a lemon!

When it was time to finally sell the product, so many people held out their ten rupee notes, it was almost a hurrah! for the marketer in me. And all the while I had my iPod playing in my head. Now, that's what I call salesmanship! Bus Sales Guy, you just made my journey worth it.

You came here cuz of the post title no?

I think I'm funny

Atrisa, now also blogging at Let's Snig Lets! (till the time I am removed as an author for excessive low quality content)

Rock-A-Bye Baby

Her heart beats for me

My head slipping into her bosom

What peaceful sopors!

10 Step Guide To Dealing With Break Ups (For Women)

Khamba wrote an incredibly funny post on 10 Step Guide To Dealing With Break Ups (For Men) and admitted that he was incapable of writing its female counterpart given his lack of knowledge about women. So here's my attempt.

Cry as much as you can

During the initial few days, even the slightest mention of anything that takes you back trigger the tears. “It was so good, I don’t understand why! Bwahaha” After a while even the gf’s stop listening to you ‘cause they’re bored saying the same things over and over again “You are so much better than that, and I’m not just saying it. Seriously, you deserve better” So what do you? You cry some more. A few days of that and the skin under your eyes starts getting dry and you get burning sensations every time you start crying again. So you end up killing some time looking for and applying Lactocalamine lotion.

Talk about how bad the guy was in bed

Get a little wine, loosen up and start telling your friends graphic details of how the guy was in bed. Try not to slip in the stuff the guy managed to get wonderfully right ‘cause it might trigger the tears again. “It was so good, I don’t understand why! Bwahaha”  You LMAO for a little while till you get back to your empty room, the depression from the wine finally starts kicking in and you bawl some more. But atleast the next time your gf’s add to their normal advice - “...And hey, he was bad in bed right!”

Listen to Eminem, System of a Down or the likes

You’ll feel the badass in you coming out, sing it out, scream it. I strongly recommend Marshall Mathers LP, helped me through many a bad time. (OK in my defense, I was 18-19 during the time)

Write about it

And I don’t just mean endless sad love poems, I mean the vicious mail you intend to write starting with “You bastard, you…you jerk. All you guys are the same. I hope you die…You call ‘that’ a fuck? I’ve had better. Yours wasn’t even that big” Hmm, that should do it. 

Get friendly with the world

The point is to get more facebook friends. Preferably 100 more than his. This shows you’re more popular and that you’re clearly getting over him ‘cause you have so much to choose from.

Retail therapy

Oh you fucks, don’t you dare say “This is so cliché!” Clichés are clichés for a reason. It doesn’t matter who you are shopping for, it might as well be your maid’s Diwali gift, it works, atleast for 5-6 hours. Then you get back home and say to yourself “Oh my God I did not spend every waking minute of my day today thinking about him! I must be getting over him” No, you’re not. But then again, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And frankly, I’m not even sure if I’m using the phrase in the correct context.

Ladies night

Go to Hard Rock wearing your kinkiest clothes, spot a cute singer guy and keep staring at him, while you giggle and whisper something in your gf’s ear. After a while you find someone staring back at you, you know like the cute singer’s gf (I still maintain she was a groupie, a hot one, but a groupie. A GROUPIE I SAY.) Fuck, atleast you got noticed and felt “wanted” for a few minutes ;)

Get laid!

Why exactly do I need to explain this?

Take revenge. Get yourself to look superhot.

“I am going to the gym and I’m gonna lose 5 kgs and I will look really hot.” If this doesn’t get you the guy back, atleast 10 others will start desiring you. So kinda win-win. But generally this does require a lot of motivation considering you spend most amount of your time gorging on comfort foods like Pizza, Ice Creams, Chocolates etc.

Watch rom-coms and sitcoms

Have you seen Gilmore Girls? It’s delightful. Or 90210. Hotness. While the former gets you crying about Lorelai’s problems instead of your own, 90210 makes for perfect girl-on-girl phone conversation. (“Have you seen Navid? He is so totally fuck worthy!” “I know right!”)

The word for the day is – distraction. There are no magical ways for you to get over your intense, piercing, sharp pangs of loneliness, jealousy and pain. Deal with it.

A little less chaotic

After all the misunderstandings, lying, cheating, confessions, condescension, anger, name-calling, tears, consolation, sarcasm, apologizing, screaming, shouting, and then deafening silences, it is nice to find a friend again in an ex.

Clearing out the air takes time. All you need is persistence and a little patience.

Peace, hold on, I'm almost there. The next you see me, I'll be a better version of me.

My life is an open blog

My earliest memory of crushing on a guy was as a 5 yr old in Baghdad. This cute Arab shepherd probably the same age, wearing his black and white checked keffiyeh, used to pass my house with his goats. I used to religiously sit next to the window and wait for him to come every morning. (Pause for awwws) Then we had to flee the country. Gulf war started. Ah, simple times!

My first real crush was later the same year, but back in India. He was my classmate in school. 

The year was 1990. It was the Annual Day function. All the primary school students were participating in whatever capacity they could. It was quite interesting actually, all of us were accommodated in various fairy tales, where they were not only enacted by us but the costumes were our personal ones, so it was multiple plays as well as a fancy dress competition.

I was playing the part of ‘Mirror’ in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. (Pause for laughs) And ‘he’ was coincidently the Prince. Oh how I hated the girl playing Snow White! And she was a year younger! There wasn't a day I didn’t wish she’d be unable to justify the enigmatic character and was compelled to switch places with me. And when he went up to her and kissed her hand to bring her back to life, it was like a thousand knives strategically stabbed in my heart. To add fuel to fire, he was also participating in ballroom dancing and was partnered with the prettiest girl in my class (we discovered 10 years later that they were crushing on each other then and had recently started dating, which managed to shatter me for a day!)

Anyhoo I tried to contact him through fb back in 2007 with a “Hey! I was in your class in DPS, remember?” He replied “Sorry, but it would really help if you’d put up a picture” (If I show my DP now baby, it would kill you that you don’t remember me!)

How could he not remember the time when we magically happened to be alone once in class in the 5^th grade and to kill time he was teaching me how to make chalk back from the chalk powder by mixing water in it and molding them into cylinders? I even remember the anticipation on his face, as he waited for it to dry in the sun. He didn’t remember the time I complained to the teacher about him bringing syringes to class after he had recovered from a critical brain hemorrhage, ‘cause he didn’t know how worried I was and how much I missed him the 15 days he didn’t come to school. Or when he ran around class laughing with my I-card in his hand, making fun of my picture.  

He left for another school after 6^th grade and I was heartbroken. I swore I’d never “love” again. (*sniff*  tissues please) However, what followed was a string of crushes. I tried counting a few years back, I realized I just didn’t have enough fingers and toes combined. Did we even think in our time that school crushes could be reciprocated?

My first heartbreak came even before I knew how to subtract by borrowing. It’s funny, though over the years heartbreaks have come in all shapes and sizes, with little or huge complications, the plot pretty much remains the same.

It’s like how Brandon Boyd sings in Smile Lines:

I want you bad!
I want you bad!
I understand why they say 
high school never ends

Play-Oh!

After watching 15 episodes of Glee in 5 days that the Americans did in 8 months (ha hah!), I seem to have gone through a life altering experience, quite like the time when Star World started airing American Idol with its Season-3, when I used to get all charged up to sing in my room after every episode and my mom used to shout from the kitchen “Don’t play the stereo so loud!” (Ok, so I self-praise. Sue me.)

Now what’s so good about this show? It’s like a broadway musical, just in 40 min weekly episodes! Sometimes it’s too heavily auto-tuned, you just want them to be a little organic and I’ve often wondered why their music teacher never seems to be actually shown teaching them, BUT that is one fine bunch of performers! Quite similar to that movie I have seen a gazillion + 1 times – Sister Act-II, except the cast members are the singers themselves! But for all the people who aren’t very ‘high-schooly’ like me, I’d advise you stay away :)

Why can’t you break out in a song during a conversation, like they do? Why can’t we just sing instead of talking? When angry with a guy for breaking your heart, why can’t you belt out your rendition of “Gives you hell” while pointing fingers in his face ‘cause the guy’s beyond corrigible? It’s more fun! (Except when encountering the melodically challenged) And boy, it feels good! Personally I’m extremely uncomfortable expressing my feelings and completely agree with Neil Diamond when he says “It’s very difficult for me to say ‘I love you’ but to sing ‘I love you’ is easier” You try saying sentimental things to a guy and he starts looking constipated; same thing in a song and he’s eating out of your hands! (Maybe the guy's thinking “If she can sing well, she probably moans well too”) I digress (and stereotype)

The one movie that just knocks my socks off every time I watch it is this wonderful, most unpretentious musical called Once. What the main protagonists could not express to each other or their respective lovers in words, they wrote in songs. Replacement of run-of-the-mill dialogues with stirring songs thus became a natural extension to scenes, filling the gaps between the story, sometimes depicting anger at the hands of betrayal (“Lies”, “Leave”) or sadness of being bereft (“If You Want Me”, “When You’re Mind’s Made Up”) Please don’t miss its soundtrack for the world.

You get where I’m going with this?

I would like to see Glee pick a page from Once's book but it’s all good. There is so much beautiful music out there. I just want people to stop fighting over what music is better and judging each other because of it. Music is after all emotions, whether they are Pantera’s or Justin Bieber’s. 

Happy Birthday!

Here’s wishing the self-professed well-endowed Mallu

A great birthday filled with much awaited hullabaloo!

Do write a funny post

While I tweet about it and give a toast

To the twenty three years that have made you a man

Of cryptics and puns and devious Bangalorean plans

So party like you don’t give a damn

‘cause I still won’t be turning on my webcam :)

Thodi si jo pee lee hai, chori to nahi ki hai

Open bar nights are awesome. They wouldn’t have meant anything to me two years back. And my ex-roommate who was an ex-B-schooler was right. B-schools make you do all those things you scoffed at all your life. She laughed at me and said “We’ll see!” when I said the following things don’t attract me: Random make-outs, smoking up and drinking like a mad person (and making a fool of yourself around campus) It’s too bad I didn’t really enjoy smoking up and backed out like a sissy right before I had the opportunities to "score". A year extra perhaps…

Open bar nights are awesome. They mean a lot to me now. I can’t dance without it. I can barely hold a conversation without it. I stop judging people after 2 drinks. And I’m the official entertainer to my friends then so I don’t mind the attention. Besides, you get to forget for a few hours.

Open bar nights are awesome. Vodka, rum, Teacher’s, gin, Champagne, all flavors of Breezer. Nice hotel. Good food. And parents, who you are trying to convince to have some more (It’s an open bar! Look! Good stuff!) so they don’t notice your glances towards the bar like a child looking at candy and that I'm already a few down. Not so awesome now, is it?

I HATE STAYING AT HOME! ARGHHHH. Rational career choice my ass.

Ms.Queez-me-not

Me: Yay! I’ve reached the third chapter - Versalees, Weemar and Beer Hall Push (Versailles, Weimar and Beer Hall Putsch)

Bro: You mean Versae and Waemar

Me: Yeah yeah, that

Bro: I’m guessing you don’t know much about World War I

Me: Nope

Bro: You would atleast know about the Treaty of Versailles!

Me: Umm…I know what a treaty is

Bro: *banging his head against the wall*

I hate quizzers. They make you feel like shit.

Ram ram I don't understand you Tam Bram

There are two things you need to be a completely happy blog reader in this country:

1. You should have worked in an IT company at any point of time

2. You should be a Tam Bram/Mallu or just someone who is well-acquainted with the lot

Now I am what Tony describes introduced to me as “an Amit” (originally a brain child of Krish Ashok, the greatest Tam Bram blogger), a typical North Indian who doesn’t understand the South’s quirkiness and their hot cross puns. Though their writing style is supremely engaging (read funny, witty, with illustrations and solid storylines, with cultural and environmental factors sprinkled in), with one Tam/Mallu wordplay I am thrown off an entire post. Then I find myself wondering why there aren’t enough blogs by people from other communities even though jokes are aplenty. Do we not have “snakes in the hole” Gujjus, ostentatious Madus, so-pompous-it-makes-me-puke Punjus, conniving UPites, “bhalo bhashi” Bongs, and well Kashmiris, fit only to have pretty photo blogs?

As a future marketer, I understand that there is a huge need gap for the same (I cooked that one up) So I probed into the matter (Ok, I cooked that one up as well. After all MICAn blood runs in my veins.) And while I was awake all night with a running nose, with one eurekan sniff I (think I) got my answer – we are HORRIBLE with the written word! (or life in the South sucks donkeyballs providing them with tons of writing fodder but for political correctness we shall stick to educational system bashing) No wonder 2 States is such a big hit. Even I liked it! I could finally relate to something, the Delhi-ness, the Punju-ness. And if Chetan Bhagat was a normal blogger like us, he probably would’ve been decently respected in the circle. (Warning: For greater good of mankind please do not attempt to go to his twitter page)

Now at this turn of my post if you’re looking for something substantial, here it is.

Something substantial.

Ok that was predictable.

But I will go ahead and have the balls to dedicate this post to the 11 pages mysteriously missing from my copy of 2 States. Just when I was wondering how Krish magically ended up from being at his graduation to a struggling employee at Citibank Chennai with a flick of the finger…

Ok bye now, go take a leak or something. 

Show me the money

Ever since I got into a B-school I’ve been the poster child for academics in my family. The relatively new attention was nice till every distant cousin started calling up to get CAT advice. Though I make no bones about the fact that a 93.2 percentile was a very average score, just enough to get me through to MICA, it seemed like a big deal to my parents since the last time I scored in the 90s was back in the 7^th grade.

But it does bring with it some perks. Like during the time relatives turn up to wish you when you graduate. My favorites are the ones who are particularly generous with the wallet, due to their inability to make slick conversations.

One such is a family friend who comes every time without fail and not only shoves a big fat money-filled envelope in my hand but also atleast 2 bags of goodies. (Goodies include chips, juices, pizzas etc.) AND she doesn’t even take a seat!

Hello beta. Congratulations! Bohut naam roshan kiya mummy-papa ka. (Yadi yada, conveys her wishes to my mom in Kashmiri) Yeh lo (money packet), mujhe samajh nahi aaya kya loon tere liye, kuch khareed lena khud hi. Chalo main nikalti hoon (some excuses in Kashmiri) Aate rehna, aur zara mere nalayak bete mein kuch akal daal de.

5 mins. Flat. And all I have to do is counsel their kids. Those are the ones dreams are made of.

Then there are some.

Aunty – Hello beta. Arre wah, kya baat hai! (Kisses on the forehead*) Doctor sahib, ab to yeh shaadi ke liye tayyar hai.

(everyone nods in agreement followed by gentle murmuring)

Uncle – Well done, well done! (Handshake)

I wait.

I wait some more.

I still feel the pressure of the handshake on my palm.

Is that it, a handshake? No “beta yeh rakh lo.” ”No uncle!” “Nahi beta na mat karo.” “Magar uncle aapka aashirvad ki kafi hai” squabbles? But I love those phony 10-second one act plays!

Is that all I get for a half an hour conversation I have to bear about how they think I should settle abroad after marriage and how all girls say they don’t want to get married but then in the end they not only do they even tag along with their husbands everywhere he goes?

Like, SERIOUSLY? I’m broke. Can you solve my today's worry first?

FYI my “market value” has gone up. Some fret it will become difficult for them to find me a suitable match. I’m not surprised - Kashmiri men and intelligence don’t really go together. If you know one, you know who to call. That’s right, your psychiatrist.

If you haven’t wished me yet I accept cash and cheques worth Rs. 500 or more. Then we’ll forget about the psych remark.

*In our tradition, we don’t touch feet. We believe in spreading germs by getting wet kissed on the forehead by our elders. Uggghhh.

All smiles

2 things made me smile today:
              

A 102 year old woman at some complicated name place in China has joined 1st grade with a bunch of 5 year olds.

Hugh Hefner, 83, is getting married. He thinks "it's getting serious". Maybe 5 years down the line he will think about kids and 10 years later about renewing his vows. Seriously, the girl must be really something. After all the women over the years if this one can manage to "get it up" and at his age, hats-off to her! But for now, I hope he has the good sense to sign a pre-nuptual agreement.


On a bit of a tangent, what do you think he would ever mean by a commitment? He will not look at another woman? Now, that's not possible. He won't have sex with another woman? Won't that go against the smooth running of his business? Am I surprised she is younger to me? Am I surprised that his previous gf's were 20-year old twins? 

Apart from this, the one thing that never fails to make me smile is the Youngistaan Ka Wow campaign. No, this is not because my gang in college was embarrassingly called Youngistaan, it's because of the following excerpt from an article: (Please pay close attention to the text in orange)

Hari Krishnan, executive business director, JWT Delhi feels that it was high time to take the Youngistaan concept forward, and to add a fresh lease of life to it. However, he believes that the true success of the campaign can only be defined, if like the last campaign of Pepsi, where 'Youngistaan' got into people's vocabulary, 'wow' too becomes part of their speech.
However, the creative team at JWT opines that the part of the campaign released so far is just the tip of the iceberg. More surprises in terms of creative content are on the way. "The best is yet to come from the Youngistaan ka Wow campaign," they conclude. 

(Source: afaqs.com)

According to me, the only sensible thing they ever did was a tie-up with Indiblogger. But till their "best" comes, I will foolishly snicker only to the zoozoo and Bingo ads.