10 Step Guide To Dealing With Break Ups (For Women)

Khamba wrote an incredibly funny post on 10 Step Guide To Dealing With Break Ups (For Men) and admitted that he was incapable of writing its female counterpart given his lack of knowledge about women. So here's my attempt.

Cry as much as you can

During the initial few days, even the slightest mention of anything that takes you back trigger the tears. “It was so good, I don’t understand why! Bwahaha” After a while even the gf’s stop listening to you ‘cause they’re bored saying the same things over and over again “You are so much better than that, and I’m not just saying it. Seriously, you deserve better” So what do you? You cry some more. A few days of that and the skin under your eyes starts getting dry and you get burning sensations every time you start crying again. So you end up killing some time looking for and applying Lactocalamine lotion.

Talk about how bad the guy was in bed

Get a little wine, loosen up and start telling your friends graphic details of how the guy was in bed. Try not to slip in the stuff the guy managed to get wonderfully right ‘cause it might trigger the tears again. “It was so good, I don’t understand why! Bwahaha”  You LMAO for a little while till you get back to your empty room, the depression from the wine finally starts kicking in and you bawl some more. But atleast the next time your gf’s add to their normal advice - “...And hey, he was bad in bed right!”

Listen to Eminem, System of a Down or the likes

You’ll feel the badass in you coming out, sing it out, scream it. I strongly recommend Marshall Mathers LP, helped me through many a bad time. (OK in my defense, I was 18-19 during the time)

Write about it

And I don’t just mean endless sad love poems, I mean the vicious mail you intend to write starting with “You bastard, you…you jerk. All you guys are the same. I hope you die…You call ‘that’ a fuck? I’ve had better. Yours wasn’t even that big” Hmm, that should do it. 

Get friendly with the world

The point is to get more facebook friends. Preferably 100 more than his. This shows you’re more popular and that you’re clearly getting over him ‘cause you have so much to choose from.

Retail therapy

Oh you fucks, don’t you dare say “This is so cliché!” Clichés are clichés for a reason. It doesn’t matter who you are shopping for, it might as well be your maid’s Diwali gift, it works, atleast for 5-6 hours. Then you get back home and say to yourself “Oh my God I did not spend every waking minute of my day today thinking about him! I must be getting over him” No, you’re not. But then again, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And frankly, I’m not even sure if I’m using the phrase in the correct context.

Ladies night

Go to Hard Rock wearing your kinkiest clothes, spot a cute singer guy and keep staring at him, while you giggle and whisper something in your gf’s ear. After a while you find someone staring back at you, you know like the cute singer’s gf (I still maintain she was a groupie, a hot one, but a groupie. A GROUPIE I SAY.) Fuck, atleast you got noticed and felt “wanted” for a few minutes ;)

Get laid!

Why exactly do I need to explain this?

Take revenge. Get yourself to look superhot.

“I am going to the gym and I’m gonna lose 5 kgs and I will look really hot.” If this doesn’t get you the guy back, atleast 10 others will start desiring you. So kinda win-win. But generally this does require a lot of motivation considering you spend most amount of your time gorging on comfort foods like Pizza, Ice Creams, Chocolates etc.

Watch rom-coms and sitcoms

Have you seen Gilmore Girls? It’s delightful. Or 90210. Hotness. While the former gets you crying about Lorelai’s problems instead of your own, 90210 makes for perfect girl-on-girl phone conversation. (“Have you seen Navid? He is so totally fuck worthy!” “I know right!”)

The word for the day is – distraction. There are no magical ways for you to get over your intense, piercing, sharp pangs of loneliness, jealousy and pain. Deal with it.