2011 and its bullet points

This year was such a sine wave, it makes me laugh...in retrospect. But this time I knew I don't have to mope around every time I hit a rough patch (barring some alcohol that needed to be consumed for a few weeks in between to get sleep) 'cause sometimes you need to hit a new low to reach a new high. So I smiled through the shit and saw me make peace with myself.

I learned some real simple things from this year.

a) You can't make another person happy till you're happy yourself. Your depressed self will only push people away.
b) No one is responsible for your happiness but your own self. Don't depend on others to contribute, they're working towards their own happiness.
c) Speak your mind, if you have good reason. You'll regret it if you don't.
d) Don't wait to do what you've been wanting to since forever. This will contribute to point b :)

The best thing to happen to me this year was Scarlet, my piano. (And the guy who made me miserable enough to lead me to it, so thanks) I've met a lot of people who've been wanting to take dance lessons, foray into theater, go to cookery schools and what not. Trust me, when you finally start, the "logical" reasons you've been giving yourself to not start, they all look like silly excuses. Magically, you will have all the time in the world to pursue your interest. DON'T WAIT. You have no idea how much joy you are denying yourself.

Obvious, weren't they? Yeah, try implementing them :)

Have an even better 2012 y'all. And let's hope we don't die.

Crash and Burn

A poem from March '08.
***

Alter ego like an unwanted conjoined twin
Ocean of empty tears filled up to the brim
Eyes pleading with forces of nature to let you in
Tragicomedy chose me; today they're out on a limb!

Where do I make a Z with my sword?
Stabbing searing memories not ready to blur
Contemptible thoughts you thankfully never heard
'Friends' for lack and prohibition of a better word

Since when did lying become second nature
Or writing your name a thousand times on invisible paper?
Don't return the love from my one last letter
At best it would feel worse than anything better

Hey! Let's make a neat mess of it all
As you strangle my heart up against the wall
The only thing I can say with an immovable jaw
You came you saw, you came you saw...

No One Must Know

You sit and deliberate

create a lattice of lies

a mask to hide your vapid life

but no one must know.

I know what you had for breakfast

I know what colors you wear today

I even know your opinion on all current affairs...

little appreciation leading to a lot of well articulated chide

to push forth your fake heresy.

I know What's On Your Mind

but do I know for real?

Is this seemingly idyllic existence dangerous

or unveils to have a greater appeal?

The truth is

you're miserable, unpopular,

ugly, a wannabe hipster,

an ignorant thought bubble,

sometimes even bipolar.

The people who know you

wish they didn't,

the people who don't know you

wish they did

How wonderfully delectable is your photoshopped life

but no one must know.

Baby, all I want for Christmas is an intelligent, good-looking boy

The other day I was just "reviewing" the men I've been with. And strangely, one thing really stood out...I've never been with a single good-looking guy!

Now now, I don't mean to sound shallow and if you really ask me, my choice in men has already proven I'm not. The truth is that intelligence has completely and utterly masked their below-average looks, and I've been fine with that. Though it's a running joke with my friends that I only date top management school graduates (which is purely coincidental and only partly true), I like to think that the B-school education is just a CV point to guarantee a minimum intelligence-cutoff required to keep me interested. However, this should not ward off potential suitors. I'm not so rigid about B-schools, you could be from the IITs or NLSs of the world too.

Dating somebody purely on the basis of their looks, without having any assurances of intelligence, can put one in a tight spot too. Gauging a person's intelligence takes a little time. And after all that if you realize he is stupid, you will still feel obligated to continue seeing him 'cause by that time you're on slightly friendly terms. Then the whole "You give a finger, he'll take the whole hand" thing will happen. Your hints at withdrawal might even become life-threatening if the guy in question is a Punjabi from West Delhi.

Back in 2003, I had just gone through a break up with my now-ex (second of the seven we had in our 6 years. Yes, I counted) and I found this one guy in my college very attractive. After all the googly-eyeing and texting from my mom's phone, we started seeing each other. It was all very hunky dory till the physical distance went from being a corridor to sitting right next to each other. Then it struck me. Up close, the guy was slightly squint and had bucked teeth. Suddenly his Nick Carter-esque hairstyle looked like a tactic to hide future alopecia. But the ultimate dealbreaker was him saying a casual MBA kar lenge when I asked him about his life ambitions and what he wants to do after completing engineering. But I continued to see him, till 5th February arrived and he slapped me outside my classroom, only to giggle and tell me it was Slap Day.  The threshold had now been broken. The following day saw me breaking up over the internet for the first time in my life. All hail Rebounds. Thankfully the ex was right there, with open arms and no judgment.

But you also don't necessarily want to introduce a meh-looking guy to your friends and family. Let's take the example of my ex. I started crushing on him from the moment I first laid eyes on him. He looked like a free-spirited, fun and genuine person. It was only later that I questioned my reasons to be crushing on a guy who wasn't good looking by any measure. In the past, all my crushes had been no less than heartthrobs and it was no secret that the better looking our future kids were in my head, the harder I was crushing on the guy. So this one confused me to no end. I told myself Perhaps, love *is* blind...Wait! Woah! Is this love? But during our first year together, I was scared to bump into my friends when with him (he doesn't know this). But then again, the prospect of my kids being Newton-like seemed like a much better idea.

Basically, I don't want to have this conversation again with my best buds (not about my ex):

"Thank god you stopped dating the dude, he was funny-looking."

"Not that it would've mattered, but why didn't you say anything before?"

"Well...you seemed really smitten with him for some strange reason"

Look, I'm not asking for a Ranbir Kapoor lookalike (Sigh!). All I ask for is a guy whose face I can hold between my hands and say "You look so good, it hurts" or "Gawwd, you're so hot! Not what you're doing to the bod but just you. I'm going to allow my heart to skip a beat now" And yes, I want the brains too. That's the hygiene factor-cum-prerequisite. Also, a funny bone. No, I'm not asking for three different men.