7 simple steps to pick up chicks. (Or how not to come across as a creep)

OK, so 'simple' is a bit of an overstatement but here goes nothing.

Before you read on, male reader, you need to know that this process is effective only if carried out with utmost patience. Think of yourself as a brand and you are carrying out a marketing campaign to, well...market yourself to the desired target audience. Remember! You cannot expect instant results, brand building starts with engaging the audience and then making the kill. You get? (Sorry, I've been working too hard. NOT.)

So you see this girl in your campus/workplace and you get basic info on her - name, where she lives, relationship status (if information is easily available. When in doubt, check facebook) and whatever you need to know for sure she isn't some psycho obsessive bitch. You realize you have no common friends with her who could introduce you to her. So how *do* you get her attention?

Step 1: Find out all the places where she spends the most amount of time.
It could be the canteen, the library, or anywhere which is common to the two of you. The idea is to get the maximum OTS (Opportunity To See) And when I say OTS, I mean for her to see you and not you to see her. Jeez! However, don't forget to be clandestine during this period.

Step 2: Be present at those places *before* she comes there, *not* after.
Hopefully by now you've already observed her day pattern and noted the times when she's present at those locations. The idea is to make it seem like a coincidence that you're there and not to come across as a stalker, 'cause that would mean instant rejection.

Step 3: Notice her casually
Now that you're at the same places for max OTS, ensure you are not staring at her 'cause that would be creepy. If she passes you by, just lift your head and glance at her once or twice. Try meeting her eye if the opportunity arises. This needs to be done for atleast 2 weeks. The idea is to be subtle, not over enthusiastic. Try to keep it in your pants, yeah?

Step 4: Redo Step 3
2 weeks is good enough time for a girl to know that she's being consistently looked at. If she's lost in her own world, her best friends won't be. They'll tell her about it. And then she'll start noticing you noticing her. What do you do? You carry on doing what you were doing in Step 3. If she's not showing any positive/neutral interest in you, abort mission.

Step 5: Show sudden disinterest aka play hard to get
It has been a month that she knows you've been noticing her but you still haven't shown any inclination to approaching her to talk to her. At this point of time, she is mildly curious about you. She might have even asked around your basic demographic details. What do you do in return? Stop carrying out Step 3. Just stop noticing her. Stop cold turkey. Again, 2 weeks. Unfortunately, and I hate to say it as a woman myself, you have to play on her insecurities.

Step 6: Redo Step 5 + Observe her behavior
Now the girl's just losing it! How could you show such strong interest in her and then just stop? Was it something she did? Did you suddenly realize after a month's time that she's not good enough for you? So, now to get *your* attention back, she will start dressing better, find out the places where you go to and so on. At this point of time you know you have her attention.

Step 7: Time to make the kill. 
So, your friends have seen her friends and vice versa. You all know of each other and thus aren't strangers anymore. This would be a decent time for your friend to talk to her friend. Or if you feel confident enough, you can approach her yourself. How you conduct yourself beyond this is totally up to you. Your life is a fucking ship and you're the captain.

How do I know this works?
I've seen my guy friends do it successfully. But I truly realized the potential of this trick when one day I inadvertently found myself in Step 4-5 of the process :)

Listen, I'm not guaranteeing anything! All the steps are sequential, skipping even one could throw the entire work out of the window.

Happy wooing ;) Let me know how it goes?

Sadness is beautiful

and so I've cried
a thousand nights
or maybe more
who kept the count
overturning pillows
received the pure waters
of emotions howled or whimpered
a stoic face by day, asks
how many more nights will it be
who knows
but will I enjoy my days without those?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

If I didn't know about Slutwalk already, I would've thought this article was written by The Onion/ Faking News or the likes.

Aparna Sharma, a Delhi University student, has picked out the skimpiest clothes from her closet especially for June 25. Bravo! Let's give the Delhi men a legitimate reason to stare at us, take high resolution pictures, splash them all over the internet and jerk off to them for all of eternity.

I'm generally not a person to have strong opinions, especially when it comes to these social issues. I have conveniently been avoiding all the corruption hullabaloo too. Not that that's a good thing. I'm just lazy. So don't expect me to side with or have strong dislikes for this Slutwalk, which I don't think should be called Slutwalk majorly 'cause, from what I know, Indians aren't great at sarcasm.

Personally I have little interest in wearing slutty clothes. I will be happy if I can wear shorts or knee-length skirts in this cruel Delhi summer without being stared at. And if you thought it's only the men that do the staring, you are...well...not living in Delhi.

It's not the women silly, the change needs to come from the men. The men need to stand up for us. Not because we're weak and need constant protection, but because they're equally affected by this. When my guy friends from other cities are in town, they are so infuriated by the way Delhi men stare that they almost want to beat them up. (All men have homicidal rage, says Don Delillo in White Noise) Haven't you seen, when a woman tries to react angrily to a man's impositions, the perverts generally enjoy it and repeat their actions? Now you want to parade around showing your lacy underwear? Do we not know Delhi is not safe irrespective of what clothes one wears? Isn't it true though that somewhere we might be triggering the pervert man's desire for flesh because of our barenaked attire? Didn't you drool when John Abraham showed a glimpse of his buttcrack in that Bounce Bounce song in Dostana wearing that oh-so-awesome and gorgeous tiny knickers? Do you drool as much when he's fully clothed?

Don't be stupid and tell me we deserve the right to wear what we want. You want to see hairy bare chested, pot-bellied men parading around the city? Wouldn't you rather want a better law and order system in place?

"Slutty clothes" are expensive, man. I see only the upper class being able to afford them anyway. These women don't walk around on footpaths or take the Metro. Are they seriously subjected to true harassment? "Slutwalk" in Canada happened because of public outrage towards an accusatory remark from a policeman. I'm sorry, but here it just seems like a case of seeking attention. Rebels without a cause, if I may say.

But you know, as long as someone is doing something, I say more power to you. I am terminally ambiguous. If you have a different point of view, maybe I can benefit from it. So tell me what you think.

And girls, if you can slutwalk like The Dolls in Buttons, don't even try. 

Clarification, Observations and Updates

Clarification
Oye hello...just because I'm writing frustrated blog posts does not mean I am depressed. When I write, it's an exaggerated reality. Cynical love blogposts are about milking (attempted) poetry from the hurt experienced eons ago. Work frustration blogs about pre-good appraisal times. So relax, there's no cause for concern :)

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Observations

Uno
When you go out to a bar and don't know what to order, just get an LIT. Saves you the time to look at the menu, decisions regarding "What alcohol base would I prefer?" and definitely takes lesser time to get high. A little of everything, I say. An LIT. Lifesaving Insane Tonic.

And so that's what I did this Saturday night. After a coupla those, I got my freak on. So much so a stranger boy told me (twice) that I dance really well. Anyway this is not the first time my "high spirited" dancing was appreciated.*hair toss*

I do remember saying "I miss MICA" on repeat.

Dos
Boys, as a rule, girls are needy and clingy. There are various degrees of needy and clingy, but those are completely dependent on how much a girl is willing to show. The idea is not to run away from the needy and clingy, the idea is to work around it, like Iranian film directors. Do they stop making movies 'cause the government places such high censorship on their creative work of art? No. (I assume) They enjoy it, they revel in it. Their industry is one of the biggest in World Cinema. All because there was so much censorship they had to work around in creative ways to narrate!

So the moral of the story is, you can manage to handle a girl despite whatever BS she gives you. (That's if you are into her that much) If she ain't needy and clingy, she probably don't even want you so bad :P

Tres
Just two weeks back I got the shortest haircut of my life. It has been received surprisingly well with the general community. But when I met this one particular friend (he who shall not be named or referred to) after a long time, he had his own theory regarding it.

Let's call it the Haircut Theory.

According to him, when people go for radical haircuts it's because their lives are so boring, they want to do anything they can to shake things up. And when people go for a full headshave, they are trying to rediscover themselves. (Ok this is one of those "you had to be there" times. His animated hand movements and clear sarcasm is the icing and a bit of the cake too)

I have to admit, while I was getting a haircut, there were a few seconds I contemplated shaving my head off. Gulp. Needless to say, he received a few punches from me.

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Updates a.k.a. *narcissism alert*

Uno
You know how you sometimes feel stifled with your limited knowledge of something you love? Like not knowing enough about the lives of your teenage children, or struggling to learn enough at the workplace because of a shitty mentor.

That's how I feel about music and my inability to play an instrument.

So about 10 days back I joined piano classes. I *cannot believe* it took me so many years to do that. 2 classes down and I'm turning out to be quite the maestro! My teacher says I'm already at a normal person's 10-12th session! I'll be skipping Grade 1, 2 and 3 exams! He says and I quote "This is to you like a fish to water" AND AND "You have the music in you" *blush*

Dos
I seriously thought I would be fired. SERIOUSLY. But that darned appraisal went so well, I'm pretty sure my lower jaw was comfortably sitting on the floor for a few minutes. I was so overwhelmed with their remarks, I even teared up twice!

It could be because they thought I was good, it could be because they both got promoted the day before.

Of course my genius friend had to make a wisecrack and say "So basically now you will hang on there longer, no? Heh." I'm predictable.

Tres
Have you listened to "You are a tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie? There has been no song in recent times that has spoken to me quite like this one.

"If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, it's time to go"

Cuatro
I am on the brink of finishing reading my second book, which is quite an achievement 'cause my laptop ensured my reading habits went for a toss. GayDAD, my friend (?), philosopher (!) and guide (?), has been dictating the terms and conditions of my reading habits. Thank you, loser.

Have you reached here, reader? Congratulations.

Do the do.

Monkey to humans...monkey to humans...can you hear me?

This monkey has completed one year in training at her workplace and now is a full time monkey! (or so she's hoping that 'Terminated' isn't checked against her name)

I shall now scratch my armpits and jump around. I travel back to childhood when we used to watch those monkey street shows at India Gate, trained to do the same thing day in and day out. Don't question! Do the do. Shut your mouth. Always smile. Nod incessantly. Laugh, whenever the "almighty" makes a horrendous joke.

I was me
     now I am a monkey
          sitting in a tree
               K.I.S.S.I.N.G. (ass)

Punch some numbers. Say shit to the person at the other end of the line. Express dissatisfaction. Write words of dissatisfaction. Press SEND. Be angry. Curse. Do whatever is required. Do the do.

Plan Friday afternoon lunches. They keep us alive and ennui free. Or so we hope.

I'm going to drown myself in Nirula's Hot Chocolate Fudge today, licking quickly with my tiny monkey tongue. Where is this month's Sodexho booklet?

I seem to be obsessed with animals these days. A few days back it was frogs, now this.

This life is your life. This life is my life.

I love my new piano. Hope it loves me too. Atleast till I play 'Ode to Joy'.

Aren't you going to congratulate me? :)