Where is my mind

I'm not quite sure what to say or where to begin. There are days I love putting unedited thoughts here, without a care about who's reading and what you, the reader, interpret about my psyche or my personality, and then there are days I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own expression. Sometimes I wish to vent about certain people that affect me but they're all on my social network and I wonder if a public personal diary hung out to dry was really worth it.

Most times I feel even my friends don't understand me or find this funny and pull my leg or worry when they read something untoward and I know it's all in my best interest or jest but I find myself more and more vulnerable with each passing day. I've been told vulnerability is a sign of weakness, so I compensate for it in my non-virtual world. Not sure if this blog has done me any good by giving my passive aggression an outlet or changed the way people look at me and perceive me (for the good or for the worse). Sometimes it's just nicer when they acknowledge having read it with a 'Like' on Facebook (or not, no pressure) and don't bring it up in a regular conversation (unless to really discuss the subject matter at hand, to agree or disagree with what they've read). The discomfort of it all makes my non-corny side cringe. But, having confessed to this blog for over 4 1/2 years, to think of life without it, without an unrestrained and not-imposed-upon monologue, is a little difficult. Call it addiction, call it the voice that refuses to quit, I don't know.

What started off as a relentless quest to package my love in sweetness and in anger towards a particular person seamlessly became a platform for me to put out something silly, something I feel strongly about or an attempt Neruda. There have been tons of bouquets, few detractors and for them I'm thankful. Some views I still stand by, some views turned out to be more malleable, but over the last 4 year timeline of my life, I've had plenty conversations with complete strangers and that's a thrill hard to shake off.

I do, however, face a dilemma every time I write. Sometimes a post takes days or weeks for it to be ok in my head to be published. There's a fine line between narrating an incident involving certain people close to you, revealing things about them or about their lives they might not wish to and running the risk of offending them, because obviously it's my life too, my blog and I shall write the way I see things. My intention may not be malign anybody but it might come out that way. And that's why, even though I might have only about 10 people reading a given post, I'm not quite assured that the person it concerns will not read it, perhaps ignore it or be pragmatic about it.

So that's the reason why I blog, but don't blog as often as I did. I felt this was necessary just as a future and past disclaimer. And that's why songwriting and poetry can be such an ambiguous outlet :)

Happy break up day

Our break up was sad in so many ways. I lost my best friend, my biggest critique and my pillar of strength. Besides the irritating philosopher and chipku guide, I lost the best sex I had had till that day. I lost the mother-in-law I saw in your mom and the family I saw in your friends. I lost the first fragment of my innocence and the faith in that 15 year old self whose heart leapt at the sight of you. My actions made me lose faith in the person I thought I was and was going to be and which makes me doubt myself even today. You lost your future wife, your vision for our future. The plans you emphatically spoke about, while I nervously listened. (How cute were we, at twenty three!). You lost your chance at love with another woman, who you kept at bay for your loyalty towards me. You even lost money on the greeting cards you bought for our just-short-of 6th anniversary, half to change my mind. Pfft. And while you lost so much, you were not alone, I sorta lost myself too.

Our break up was the happiest moment of my life. There was no need to keep steering my path just to meet the direction in which you were headed. There was no more a trap of your personality traits I thought I desired, but I didn't. For the first time in my life, I was making my own decisions, and burning my hands and feet have only made them more willing to experiment. If you believe that one can love two people at the same time, there was another man who I thought loved me back, and a fair shot. Andven that not working out has been a happy consequence, in retrospect. There have been better men better-suited men out there who fulfilled me, temporarily, but they've been lovely nonetheless. How would I have known how to pick my men if I didn't know you as intimately as I did? And to have you as my friend back is a safety net no amount of money can buy. You will always be the one true love that I will never ever sleep with again (heh). And that is oddly reassuring.

I hope the split worked out well for you as well. I will always look for you in other men (as you do me), without ever really looking for you. You were as much a man at 18 as you are at 28. And that's the reason why, after 5 years of one failed attempt at relationship after the other, I still have faith in your gender.

Calling our memories "baggage" would be a grave insult. Calling them a blessing, on the other hand, would be more appropriate. So, thank you. Here's a "Happy 5th Break Up Anniversary!" to you. Now wish me back on the 17th so we can laugh about all of it. And I know you'll call, even if you don't see this, because you always do :)