I'm not quite sure what to say or where to begin. There are days I love putting unedited thoughts here, without a care about who's reading and what you, the reader, interpret about my psyche or my personality, and then there are days I feel like I'm a prisoner to my own expression. Sometimes I wish to vent about certain people that affect me but they're all on my social network and I wonder if a public personal diary hung out to dry was really worth it.
Most times I feel even my friends don't understand me or find this funny and pull my leg or worry when they read something untoward and I know it's all in my best interest or jest but I find myself more and more vulnerable with each passing day. I've been told vulnerability is a sign of weakness, so I compensate for it in my non-virtual world. Not sure if this blog has done me any good by giving my passive aggression an outlet or changed the way people look at me and perceive me (for the good or for the worse). Sometimes it's just nicer when they acknowledge having read it with a 'Like' on Facebook (or not, no pressure) and don't bring it up in a regular conversation (unless to really discuss the subject matter at hand, to agree or disagree with what they've read). The discomfort of it all makes my non-corny side cringe. But, having confessed to this blog for over 4 1/2 years, to think of life without it, without an unrestrained and not-imposed-upon monologue, is a little difficult. Call it addiction, call it the voice that refuses to quit, I don't know.
What started off as a relentless quest to package my love in sweetness and in anger towards a particular person seamlessly became a platform for me to put out something silly, something I feel strongly about or an attempt Neruda. There have been tons of bouquets, few detractors and for them I'm thankful. Some views I still stand by, some views turned out to be more malleable, but over the last 4 year timeline of my life, I've had plenty conversations with complete strangers and that's a thrill hard to shake off.
I do, however, face a dilemma every time I write. Sometimes a post takes days or weeks for it to be ok in my head to be published. There's a fine line between narrating an incident involving certain people close to you, revealing things about them or about their lives they might not wish to and running the risk of offending them, because obviously it's my life too, my blog and I shall write the way I see things. My intention may not be malign anybody but it might come out that way. And that's why, even though I might have only about 10 people reading a given post, I'm not quite assured that the person it concerns will not read it, perhaps ignore it or be pragmatic about it.
So that's the reason why I blog, but don't blog as often as I did. I felt this was necessary just as a future and past disclaimer. And that's why songwriting and poetry can be such an ambiguous outlet :)
Most times I feel even my friends don't understand me or find this funny and pull my leg or worry when they read something untoward and I know it's all in my best interest or jest but I find myself more and more vulnerable with each passing day. I've been told vulnerability is a sign of weakness, so I compensate for it in my non-virtual world. Not sure if this blog has done me any good by giving my passive aggression an outlet or changed the way people look at me and perceive me (for the good or for the worse). Sometimes it's just nicer when they acknowledge having read it with a 'Like' on Facebook (or not, no pressure) and don't bring it up in a regular conversation (unless to really discuss the subject matter at hand, to agree or disagree with what they've read). The discomfort of it all makes my non-corny side cringe. But, having confessed to this blog for over 4 1/2 years, to think of life without it, without an unrestrained and not-imposed-upon monologue, is a little difficult. Call it addiction, call it the voice that refuses to quit, I don't know.
What started off as a relentless quest to package my love in sweetness and in anger towards a particular person seamlessly became a platform for me to put out something silly, something I feel strongly about or an attempt Neruda. There have been tons of bouquets, few detractors and for them I'm thankful. Some views I still stand by, some views turned out to be more malleable, but over the last 4 year timeline of my life, I've had plenty conversations with complete strangers and that's a thrill hard to shake off.
I do, however, face a dilemma every time I write. Sometimes a post takes days or weeks for it to be ok in my head to be published. There's a fine line between narrating an incident involving certain people close to you, revealing things about them or about their lives they might not wish to and running the risk of offending them, because obviously it's my life too, my blog and I shall write the way I see things. My intention may not be malign anybody but it might come out that way. And that's why, even though I might have only about 10 people reading a given post, I'm not quite assured that the person it concerns will not read it, perhaps ignore it or be pragmatic about it.
So that's the reason why I blog, but don't blog as often as I did. I felt this was necessary just as a future and past disclaimer. And that's why songwriting and poetry can be such an ambiguous outlet :)
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