Danke, dis bald!

I don’t know why it affects me so

my head can’t think straight for the first 24

I know it isn’t love, 

I also know it isn’t platonic, so

Is this just a feverish high of the clandestined?

A secret too inconvenient to reveal

With consequences too exhausting, if I rewind.

I’m not afraid of the future

I gain smile lines with every passing day

It is, verily, of the past sneaking up on me…

Isn’t it all too alluring, the reminder of juvenility?

The moments of weaknesses, a sign of recklessness

A reassurance that youth wasn’t too far behind,

that it can still stay in me, as long as I stay unwise!

Some slip ups I can afford

But not this, not now, not like this

Lest I prove myself right every once in a while

Watch this sceptical angel dining with her own little devil

Who, for dessert, serves a delicious fortune cookie of peril.

Oh, Sweet Mistakes!

You’re going to cost me dearly.

When have I been one to protect myself

From the thrill of a complication?

When have I been one to resist a juicy sin

For I’ve been far too good, 

At least for the sake of percentage calculation.

All I pray for tonight is a good night’s sleep

I’m just biding my hours till the 24th sinks deep

I’ll close my eyes and blind my mind to an uncommitted crime

Perhaps

Until next time.

I am a material girl

My love affair with electronics started back in 2006 when I was to get my second cellphone - the Nokia 3250. The "Ooh ah let the music play" phone, remember? The bottom half turned 270 degrees - 90 degrees to transform itself into what looked like a camcorder and 180 degrees into a music player. That TV ad had me enraptured like nothing else before. Also, convincing my parents to get me a phone worth 16k wasn't gonna be easy, so I spent hours and hours at the workplace going through the mobile forums. I did my homework. I infact took to my parents the print outs of the positive feedback I had read on the internet.

Now the thing about falling in love - with anyone or anything - is that once your heart is set on something, rationality can't do shit. I can tell you with certainty that I have contemplated more on what toothbrush to buy than the electronics I've purchased over the years. I saw a Macbook, I had to get it. End of discussion. (Not really, I asked tens of people thousands of questions) Did it cost 50k more than I wanted to spend on a new laptop? Yes, it did. Am I currently typing on it? Yes, I am.

One of the most emotional electronic purchases I ever made was in 2008 - my 4GB iPod Nano Video. After two very pine-filled years from the iPod's launch, I found a person at my office who was selling a brand new iPod for slightly cheaper than the market rate. Within 5 hours I gave myself my first expensive gift. 4 years later that thing still hasn't died on me. I can safely admit that I love that thin piece of hard drive more than I love most humans.

I saw my 2010-purchased MotoDroid for the first time at the Delhi Airport. I felt an instant connection with it, I kid you not! Apart from the fact that its looks appealed to me so greatly, I have this thing...I can't own what the mass population buys. So not buying a Blackberry was an easy decision. And how many people own a Motorola? Last year's piano was another super impulse purchase that I haven't regretted for a second. It justified its cost long long ago.

And as much as I love the joy of a new gadget for myself, what gives me greater happiness is gifting them to people I love most. Back in 2007 when my boyfriend hit CAT out of the park I decided, as a congratulatory gift, to fulfill his wish of many years - owning a chronograph. He barely remembered telling me that so the look on his face was priceless. Later when we broke up and he told me he had stopped wearing that watch, not to mention he had replaced it with a better chrono, a little piece of me wept for that hint of unconditional love I had managed to display.

The funniest was perhaps when I bought a mic for this vocalist junior of mine at MICA (as part of a senior-junior interaction) It wasn't so much out of any love for him, since I barely knew him, it was just that he resembled an asshole I was obsessed with. The jerk & I weren't talking, since he decided to pull a Jerk de Soleil on me, so I found an inexplicable comfort in gifting this junior the microphone, like somehow some sort of positive energy or the fact that I still cared would be communicated to the universe. You get?

Last year I was planning on gifting a Kindle to this guy I was seeing, since he reads extensively. I did my thorough research - reviews, total cost, shipment, gifting options & what not. Well, it didn't quite work out - the Kindle or the guy. I was sort of relieved, not because it would've been the most expensive thing I bought for anyone other than myself but because, for me, gifting electronics comes very close to some sort of a love confession. (Not love as in always romantic love but a very high level of adoration.) I would've been looking for a duvet to hide under had the Kindle not been reciprocated in a much less materialistic way.

Well, there have been other instances but this post has dragged on way too long. Not to mention my extremely heavy eyes. This Mac is so pweeetyyyyyy! =)

How to identify and wipe out Trisals

 Back in 2007 I thought I was the funniest person around. Read on, you'll know why I was wrong.

******************************************************************************************************************
They talk, you listen. They talk, you listen. They talk, ok you get the idea, they’re all talk…

A Trisal originates from a small village in Kashmir and the inhabitants of this village are extremely Trisalian; beady eyes, crooked nose, you might even mistake them to be oddly beautiful, but like I said, you might be mistaken…

Kaul, Dhar, Tikku etc. are all brothers of a Trisal, only more sissy. They quietly observe and crib with their scorn, whereas you have to make sure you never annoy a Trisal, you don’t want an already loud and obnoxious unit of that species to turn into a potentially dangerous drama king/queen (Relax! Medical researchers are currently in the process of making anti-Trisal vaccines)

Trisals are multi taskers, losers on multi levels. A Trisal always grows beyond 158 cm, more often than not in breadth. They work less and talk about it as if they are being working like white mules in the cold Himalayan weather (what?!?!) Their blood, however, is a blend of apple juice and snow.

They make bad jokes as the last one and then snort/grunt alongside.

They make sure they tell everyone about their Russian lineage so they can make themselves sound exotic. Show offs! Maybe they should change Trisal to Trisalikov/Trisalikova and bear hopes of becoming a Czar/Czarina someday.

They don’t have hair, theirs is something that resembles a horse’s tail. Rest have a visibly smooth scalp.
In Digital Distress by LAN Brown you will find a machine that does not decode but forms complex, unbreakable codes. That machine is a TRISL.

What is Trisalkaidekaphobia? Fear of number 13? Well congrats, your GRE prep is impeccable! But look again, Trisalkaidekaphobia is fear of a Trisal.

It was rumored that the British fled India cuz they met a Trisal and since then as per the law, 20 hours with a Trisal is an acceptable method of execution in 15 Indian States.

How to wipe out Trisals

1)      Ask it to prepare for CAT…yet again!
2)      Put 3 more pieces of Roganjosh in its thali (When they say they have diarrhea, believe them and slowly walk away)
3)      Ask it to listen to Hindi songs
4)      Put it on a vegetarian diet for a month (Navratre are half death itself, twice a year)

Peace Out!

-Czarina A.Trisalikova

Crash and Burn

A poem from March '08.
***

Alter ego like an unwanted conjoined twin
Ocean of empty tears filled up to the brim
Eyes pleading with forces of nature to let you in
Tragicomedy chose me; today they're out on a limb!

Where do I make a Z with my sword?
Stabbing searing memories not ready to blur
Contemptible thoughts you thankfully never heard
'Friends' for lack and prohibition of a better word

Since when did lying become second nature
Or writing your name a thousand times on invisible paper?
Don't return the love from my one last letter
At best it would feel worse than anything better

Hey! Let's make a neat mess of it all
As you strangle my heart up against the wall
The only thing I can say with an immovable jaw
You came you saw, you came you saw...

Double a crossed stick

Giant fliers spewed, they clasp
administered for impact media
uninteresting forgettable clutter
reaching eyes of fine suburbia
an attempt to destroy this drab
vain...!

I was just cleaning out my room a few days ago and found this scribbled on a small sheet of paper. This is from when I was thinking about you during a hopeless Market Research class in Feb/March '09. One of my favorites, it's like a personal joke I share with myself! Look very closely, the clue is in the title.

Another post for purging purposes. Don't expect any more...starting now.

Blast from the past - IV

From the time when rhymes came easy.

Bridges

One body melts
Keep your head straight, she says
But this is what the novels talk about!
Ah! So now with her heart she pays

Sheridan, he called her 'Sherry'
Exquisite red-haired beauty, no plain Jane
Some fantasies were fulfilled
Alas! some fantasies shall forever remain

Yes that's her
And yes, that's her too
Forgive her restrained audacity
And the timid flame she kept for you

When reality struck
One important lesson she learnt
Some bridges you build
Some bridges are meant to burn

Blast from the past-III

It's time for another one of 'em embarrassing teenage poetry y'all. W00t!

A little background: Wrote this for my then boyfriend on our first anniversary. *Sigh* on being 18 and doing things parents wouldn't approve!

This Kiss

We talk
    we digress

As we look into each other's eyes
    somehow you read every thought on my mind
       and we know it's time

You lock the door
    and I try to relax
       even after a year, it's the same old new

You walk towards me
   I'm still gasping for my breath

You sit beside me
   and I smile, attenuated

You lift your hand and push my hair back
   your fingertips gently caressing my nape

As you move closer to me
   I feel a warm whiff of air on my face
      my eyes closed, lips trembling
         and that moment when we kiss
            I drift to a fantasy land
               I never want to come back.

Stay with me, my lover
   'cause I need you in this time of my youth
      'cause you never know the turns of this capricious life
         this kiss was only a prelude

We can be happy
   this state of trance could go on
      this rhapsody could play forever
         such is the power of this kiss

Blast from the past - II

I was cleaning out some folders on the laptop and found a folder full of old stuff. Here's another old poem!

Endless Rhapsody
No one remembers how it all began

How she stepped into forbidden no man's land

When twisted mind got the best of she

Lost souls entwined in endless rhapsody

Being hurt never stopped from playing the game

Bleeding from inside, it was the beguiling dame

Days-nights went on being sworn to secrecy

Lost souls survived the endless rhapsody

So consumed, it absolutely had to stop

Emptying the bowl of shame she had filled up

She bowed out with whatever modesty

Lost souls died in endless rhapsody

****

Ah! Good ol' days :)

The honest scrap award/ Blast from the past

Aniruddha had tagged me in this post of his and I'm taking this opportunity to be as vulnerable as I can, so thanks Ani_aset for that and the award :P * applause*

I do have to admit though, that starting a blog has been one of the adventurous things I've ever done in my life. Starting with the haikus, to third person poems, then first person poems to completely doing away with the metaphorical, I feel I have sort of been successful in saying what I exactly feel.

I don't have a whole list of things that people don't know about me, I've pretty much been an open book. A little bit of my blog browsing and you'll know who I am!

So I present to you a poem (?) I wrote at 17, right before my current ex became my then bf (get it?) Hehe. Kindly keep the age in mind as you read. Also, keep a bucket handy in case you feel like barfing, reading the word "love" in every sentence.

*****************************

There are no words that can describe this feeling
it can only be felt
deep down inside of me
the pain,
the suffering,
the joke that has been played on me.

How can I ever tell you how much I love you
when I know that you would turn away
and never look back at me
Those eyes, those beautiful devastating eyes
that could read every thought on my mind
Those eyes that I loved,
from the moment I set my eyes on you.

I lied when I said I don't love you
I know I lied 'cause I couldn't look into your eyes
The truth is that I never stopped loving you
the love that has destroyed me
the love I still love.

I thought that maybe time would heal me
crying would heal me
but love once happened can't fade away.
It's sad that it should introduce itself to me this way

Now your memories can only haunt me
'cause though I love you more than I can ever say
you never cherished me that way,
the reasons, I can't understand.

I can't understand why our friendship never blossomed into love
I have never wanted anything this badly
And that I have imagined
you touching every single part of me
right from my forehead to the ankles
making love in the way that makes me cry now
when I touch myself thinking those hands are yours.

Maybe it's my fault that my love was always a joke to you
I lied when I said it was mere infatuation
but even if I stood firm with my feelings
you still wouldn't have comprehended
But I don't blame you
you are your own master
and it's not your fault you never loved me.

How can I start my life afresh
when the only person I needed was you
How can I move on
when my past doesn't leave me
and wants to be my present and my future
How will I live
if I cut out the biggest part of my heart
the part occupied by you.

Maybe this is not our last goodbye
but it shatters me nevertheless.

I don't know when this feeling
that started as an infatuation
and became an obsession
ended up being so intense
that I never realized it was love
till I tried to forget you.

So if you can't keep me happy
atleast don't make me sad
my heart will stay with you
so keep it safe.
I live by the moments that we've shared.

I wish I could give you more
just a little more
I wish I could give you everything you ever wanted
but now I'm left with nothing at all.

*****************************

I need to tag a few people so I guess I will!

a) Choco
b) Mentalie
c) Meghana (whenever she gets the time!)
d) Shamanth
e) Shagun
f) Prashant
g) Poe

Happy revealing and relieving! :P