adore you

what a waste that i know all your sweet spots
now what am i to do with that information?
you'll hand it down to someone else
and make it their temporary privilege too
why must you make me privy, in such detail
that all my designs now make no sense, with this abrupt end
they were for you, for none other
crafted with patience and hunger at the same time

let me replace your face with someone else's
let me kiss with my mouth another neck
let me trace another spine, another day in another life
in time i'll forget the honeydipped taste of yours
like i forgot of the ones before you
one day, i'll forget also, how to adore you

Victim of your habit

Wings weren't given to me so I could fly too close to the fire
desire wasn't supposed to burn me the way it finally transpired
Always dodging bullets and cannons of your flippant lust
I'm requesting you to employ a little tact, if you must.

You're the firecracker of the 4th of July
Shine bright for a fleeting moment, only to leave me high and dry
What's left of you in my mind is some awe and debris
and little traces of what I think looks like memories.

When you can’t decide whether it’s all or nothing

You bait me in, with the taste of a little something

I’ve been there too many times before, to think it a gambit

Please don’t come around again
and make me a victim of your habit

Please don’t make me a victim of your habit

The night, oh nights, I fear the most
you come around softly rattling the doors
the bulbs they're swinging, the wind is singing
they join your cacophony, now we're two forces at war
but I've no choice but to surrender to you like a helpless whore.

So when you can’t decide whether it’s all or nothing

You bait me in, with the taste of a little something

I’ve been there too many times before, to think it a gambit

Please don’t make me a victim of your habit

If distraction is all you need

There’s the world at your feet

Many a nubile mind will gladly let you inhabit

So why make me a victim of your habit?
Please don’t make me a victim of your habit.

A clarification, because.

Most of the times I write here to clear my head or to know exactly what I feel about a particular topic, because I have to jot it down, read, re-read and even change my opinion as I talk to myself. I publish it because I want to know what others think. And I wouldn't know if my view is broad or narrow till you, the reader, express yourself with your knowledge and opinions.

If I've ever offended anyone intentionally or unintentionally, I beg for your apology. This stands for future posts as well :) Thanks for reading. Do keep commenting; it helps.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

I've been meaning to write about this quite sometime now. It's not like a thousand articles are not written on it almost everyday. Somewhere you either look for write ups to learn something new, echo your sentiments about a particular thing or for them to make up your mind about it. (Let me warn you, the title is supremely misleading.)

We've been doing all that for many years now, ever since our newspapers started filling up with a lot more raunchy and exploratory content than just the 'news'. Agony aunt columns, relationship advice and quizzes, sex advice - nothing caught my attention more on a Sunday morning. Whether you have a partner or not, there's something for everybody there.

Then a few years ago there was an article about one night stands that really engaged me, mostly because that concept was so alien to me then, and continues to slightly perplex me even now (actually, more if you've met that person the same day for the first time). So this particular psychologist was of the view that the more number of casual relationships a person has, the more their commitment levels to a proper long-term monogamous relationship starts falling. This person will go through hoards of hurdles such as not being able to express their feelings or not really feeling them at all.

Now you will say - what's wrong with continuing with casual relationships all your life and why does society put so much pressure on us to be monogamous when it has been proven that humans are polygamous by nature? What if I don't have the need to go through the regular rigmarole of marriage and kids? What if all I wanna do is become a nomad for life; finding comfort in strangers and affections at the mouth of a different person every week?

Nothing, really. There's nothing out there to say that you're wrong except the accepted rules of the society. Now if I can break one societal rule (let's say - living in with a person of the opposite sex) then why should I judge someone when they break the societal norm of monogamy? Are we being hypocritical? Are some norms more critical than the other? Can we have them prioritized cleanly on one sheet of paper for convenience?

I don't have the answer to all that. It's best you do what suits you best. A friend once asked me - "If I'm emotionally completely my wife's and wish to grow old with her because she really is an amazing woman, then why am I a bad person if I just occasionally want a blowjob from this totally hot chick from my office who has no problem whatsoever hooking up with me?" All I can say is - what if your wife gets to know? Will she be ok with it? If not, is it right then? Would you be ok if she went ahead and did the same thing to you? Do whatever you want, as long as there's mutual understanding. That's where I stand, on that topic at least.

Given that beggars can't be chosers, I'm really in no position to comment on fidelity because a) I've done things that I'm not very proud of, b) Currently even fidelity and sex with even one person sounds like a distant but tempting oasis.

But I do have an opinion, because that's really how you go around making sure you have something to base your decisions on! I have to admit, I'm very very put off by guys who've been with too many women, there's something incomplete about them, like there's a warmth that's been missing for too long.  It's not that I think they'll never be able to commit themselves, but there'll always be that part of them that'll never quite be there. I can't imagine a guy like that being crazy about one woman for the rest of his life and do everything in his power to work towards the relationship, when things go awry. They've always had options and why go through the discomfort (because we women are oh so annoying) when you could just jump on another bandwagon. You know what I mean? I know it's a guy thing to accept sex when you're being offered some, but from where I see it, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who prefers quantity over quality; he who might have used the same line on the other hundreds that he has used with you. There is always a bell that goes off in the brain and makes you wonder if you'll ever be special enough for him to be satisfied in his brain for him to commit to you completely. Of course, there'll be insecurity and of course there'll be questions. What have you really done to instill confidence in her, by talking openly about your prowess? The same can apply to women too I guess. And yeah, we can agree to disagree on this topic, for I'm saying this from my point of view. I would prefer to be monogamous and expect the same from my partner (But who's to really say when you're as single as me).

But hey, I also have friends who don't have the roving eye but are half-single, half-involved. I think some sort of fear of loneliness and/or want of companionship keeps them there. I don't know what does not keep them there. Maybe they think something better is waiting out there.

Maybe something better *is* waiting out there. At least, I hope so.

Just another mousy Monday

Feeling a little frisky so thought I'd slip in a blog post between work. I'm badass like that.

Sick to my stomach (literally) cuz I've consistently been sleeping at 3-4 am every night, no clue why. I'd like to blame it on no parental censorship, not complaining though. Making mango shake and playing Monopoly cards at 2 am isn't exactly commonplace. Another chance to feel like a kid again, till all friends start falling prey to the M-thing like bowling pins.

Being in Delhi with parents for the last three years, I almost felt like I was going to be forever in that black hole. Ennui itself can age you an extra 5 years, I talk from experience. There are days I struggle to be my normal self because self-repression has became supremely mechanical! Initially, i.e. 3 years ago, I'd rebel and do things I wished to, but then all the discomfort at home tainted every fun thing I ever planned for myself. So eventually, to avoid confrontations (I HATE confrontations), I acquiesced to a particular situation, just to keep the peace and parents' blood pressure in check. I almost never get angry now, I simply walk away.

It's not easy being a girl. It's even harder being parents of a girl. In Delhi. In EAST Delhi. So I'm not sure if I should be blaming them for being absolutely distraught and in turn, fuck annoying (pardon the language)  every time I stepped out.

Anyway, not in that situation now. Though I shudder every time I imagine going back home. *bites nails*

Also, Mondays aren't really that bad, it's just one of those monsters you imagined under your bed when you were little. 

A nicer way to give the middle finger, I suppose.

So many times I think I'll write about certain things that bother me. But every single time there's always that thing where I imagine at least one person rolling their eyes and going "Oh my God, she needs to stop whining". Or the person I'm slyly writing about to say "It's a good thing I got rid of her when I did", so I never really end up expressing about it.

To write here is not about judging anybody, it's really about purging (like I've mentioned so many times before). I'm not trying to say that I'm right or not. But there's no harm in saying it like I like it, right? If I'm disturbed due to something YOU said or did, I should be able to talk about it without feeling like I'M being judged, in my own space.

I'm very accommodating of other people - their whims and fancies, their desires, their orders, their lifestyle, their expectations from me. And quite frankly, I've started to get extremely irritated by it. I'm never the one to spew poison but this is just getting too much. I don't see the point in raising my blood pressure over it any more. I go out of my way, time and again, to make people happy because I love them and all they do is disappoint me. When you care about them, they turn around and go "I never asked you to do that!". The least you can do is acknowledge somebody's effort, not deride them for it. So much so I've been craving to keep a pet, so maybe I'll get some love back, even if it's conditional.

This time, I'm NOT going to walk away quietly. I swear to God, I will break your balls and do everything in my power to make sure you don't mess with me again. Just get the fuck out of my life and take your two cents of disrespect with you, because "I never asked you to do that!". I wish someday someone comes around and hurts you the same way or worse (All hail Schadenfreude). Oh how I wish it were me, but I don't seem to have that kind of effect on you.

If you think this post is about you, it probably is.