I've been meaning to write about this quite sometime now. It's not like a thousand articles are not written on it almost everyday. Somewhere you either look for write ups to learn something new, echo your sentiments about a particular thing or for them to make up your mind about it. (Let me warn you, the title is supremely misleading.)
We've been doing all that for many years now, ever since our newspapers started filling up with a lot more raunchy and exploratory content than just the 'news'. Agony aunt columns, relationship advice and quizzes, sex advice - nothing caught my attention more on a Sunday morning. Whether you have a partner or not, there's something for everybody there.
Then a few years ago there was an article about one night stands that really engaged me, mostly because that concept was so alien to me then, and continues to slightly perplex me even now (actually, more if you've met that person the same day for the first time). So this particular psychologist was of the view that the more number of casual relationships a person has, the more their commitment levels to a proper long-term monogamous relationship starts falling. This person will go through hoards of hurdles such as not being able to express their feelings or not really feeling them at all.
Now you will say - what's wrong with continuing with casual relationships all your life and why does society put so much pressure on us to be monogamous when it has been proven that humans are polygamous by nature? What if I don't have the need to go through the regular rigmarole of marriage and kids? What if all I wanna do is become a nomad for life; finding comfort in strangers and affections at the mouth of a different person every week?
Nothing, really. There's nothing out there to say that you're wrong except the accepted rules of the society. Now if I can break one societal rule (let's say - living in with a person of the opposite sex) then why should I judge someone when they break the societal norm of monogamy? Are we being hypocritical? Are some norms more critical than the other? Can we have them prioritized cleanly on one sheet of paper for convenience?
I don't have the answer to all that. It's best you do what suits you best. A friend once asked me - "If I'm emotionally completely my wife's and wish to grow old with her because she really is an amazing woman, then why am I a bad person if I just occasionally want a blowjob from this totally hot chick from my office who has no problem whatsoever hooking up with me?" All I can say is - what if your wife gets to know? Will she be ok with it? If not, is it right then? Would you be ok if she went ahead and did the same thing to you? Do whatever you want, as long as there's mutual understanding. That's where I stand, on that topic at least.
Given that beggars can't be chosers, I'm really in no position to comment on fidelity because a) I've done things that I'm not very proud of, b) Currently even fidelity and sex with even one person sounds like a distant but tempting oasis.
But I do have an opinion, because that's really how you go around making sure you have something to base your decisions on! I have to admit, I'm very very put off by guys who've been with too many women, there's something incomplete about them, like there's a warmth that's been missing for too long. It's not that I think they'll never be able to commit themselves, but there'll always be that part of them that'll never quite be there. I can't imagine a guy like that being crazy about one woman for the rest of his life and do everything in his power to work towards the relationship, when things go awry. They've always had options and why go through the discomfort (because we women are oh so annoying) when you could just jump on another bandwagon. You know what I mean? I know it's a guy thing to accept sex when you're being offered some, but from where I see it, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who prefers quantity over quality; he who might have used the same line on the other hundreds that he has used with you. There is always a bell that goes off in the brain and makes you wonder if you'll ever be special enough for him to be satisfied in his brain for him to commit to you completely. Of course, there'll be insecurity and of course there'll be questions. What have you really done to instill confidence in her, by talking openly about your prowess? The same can apply to women too I guess. And yeah, we can agree to disagree on this topic, for I'm saying this from my point of view. I would prefer to be monogamous and expect the same from my partner (But who's to really say when you're as single as me).
But hey, I also have friends who don't have the roving eye but are half-single, half-involved. I think some sort of fear of loneliness and/or want of companionship keeps them there. I don't know what does not keep them there. Maybe they think something better is waiting out there.
Maybe something better *is* waiting out there. At least, I hope so.
We've been doing all that for many years now, ever since our newspapers started filling up with a lot more raunchy and exploratory content than just the 'news'. Agony aunt columns, relationship advice and quizzes, sex advice - nothing caught my attention more on a Sunday morning. Whether you have a partner or not, there's something for everybody there.
Then a few years ago there was an article about one night stands that really engaged me, mostly because that concept was so alien to me then, and continues to slightly perplex me even now (actually, more if you've met that person the same day for the first time). So this particular psychologist was of the view that the more number of casual relationships a person has, the more their commitment levels to a proper long-term monogamous relationship starts falling. This person will go through hoards of hurdles such as not being able to express their feelings or not really feeling them at all.
Now you will say - what's wrong with continuing with casual relationships all your life and why does society put so much pressure on us to be monogamous when it has been proven that humans are polygamous by nature? What if I don't have the need to go through the regular rigmarole of marriage and kids? What if all I wanna do is become a nomad for life; finding comfort in strangers and affections at the mouth of a different person every week?
Nothing, really. There's nothing out there to say that you're wrong except the accepted rules of the society. Now if I can break one societal rule (let's say - living in with a person of the opposite sex) then why should I judge someone when they break the societal norm of monogamy? Are we being hypocritical? Are some norms more critical than the other? Can we have them prioritized cleanly on one sheet of paper for convenience?
I don't have the answer to all that. It's best you do what suits you best. A friend once asked me - "If I'm emotionally completely my wife's and wish to grow old with her because she really is an amazing woman, then why am I a bad person if I just occasionally want a blowjob from this totally hot chick from my office who has no problem whatsoever hooking up with me?" All I can say is - what if your wife gets to know? Will she be ok with it? If not, is it right then? Would you be ok if she went ahead and did the same thing to you? Do whatever you want, as long as there's mutual understanding. That's where I stand, on that topic at least.
Given that beggars can't be chosers, I'm really in no position to comment on fidelity because a) I've done things that I'm not very proud of, b) Currently even fidelity and sex with even one person sounds like a distant but tempting oasis.
But I do have an opinion, because that's really how you go around making sure you have something to base your decisions on! I have to admit, I'm very very put off by guys who've been with too many women, there's something incomplete about them, like there's a warmth that's been missing for too long. It's not that I think they'll never be able to commit themselves, but there'll always be that part of them that'll never quite be there. I can't imagine a guy like that being crazy about one woman for the rest of his life and do everything in his power to work towards the relationship, when things go awry. They've always had options and why go through the discomfort (because we women are oh so annoying) when you could just jump on another bandwagon. You know what I mean? I know it's a guy thing to accept sex when you're being offered some, but from where I see it, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who prefers quantity over quality; he who might have used the same line on the other hundreds that he has used with you. There is always a bell that goes off in the brain and makes you wonder if you'll ever be special enough for him to be satisfied in his brain for him to commit to you completely. Of course, there'll be insecurity and of course there'll be questions. What have you really done to instill confidence in her, by talking openly about your prowess? The same can apply to women too I guess. And yeah, we can agree to disagree on this topic, for I'm saying this from my point of view. I would prefer to be monogamous and expect the same from my partner (But who's to really say when you're as single as me).
But hey, I also have friends who don't have the roving eye but are half-single, half-involved. I think some sort of fear of loneliness and/or want of companionship keeps them there. I don't know what does not keep them there. Maybe they think something better is waiting out there.
Maybe something better *is* waiting out there. At least, I hope so.
13 comments:
too long.
Hahaha! You obviously haven't seen http://smalltalkcompulsion.blogspot.in/2012/04/why-marriage-scares-shit-out-of-me.html and http://smalltalkcompulsion.blogspot.in/2012/04/delhi.html
it cannot be more candid than this. well done. huh.... u know what... there are many people out there who have been in the 'company' of many one after another. they need companionship. and yes, gals also do the same things. and guys also get pissed of when gals do it. ( guy vs gal battle will never get over!)
u have guts.
mere sine me na sahi tere sine me hi sahi.
aag kahi se bhi jale, aag jalani chahiye.
keep writing.
"I can't imagine a guy like that being crazy about one woman for the rest of his life and do everything in his power to work towards the relationship, when things go awry. They've always had options and why go through the discomfort (because we women are oh so annoying) when you could just jump on another bandwagon. You know what I mean?"
Yeah, I know what you mean. Capitalism is bad. Close options. Why should anyone have options in the first place, and have the choice to act on them? Maybe a dungeon is a good place to invest in along with a marriage. And blinkers.
There is of course no guy who WANTS to be in a monogamous relationship right, because well 'women are oh so annoying' (I am glad you agree).
I often compare marketing fundas to real life relationships, and firmly believe that if a relationship didn't work out, it is because there was something wrong with it. And that is healthy. That is how it should be. A customer didn't choose your product over your competitor's because your product was lousy. Deal with it.
I think there's another point you missed out on...sometimes it is societal pressure that even makes you feel the need for companionship, and love. The we look at 'love' and 'romance' are also formed, unfortunately, by the movies we have watched and the way society broadly defines these. That's why people who genuinely want to be single are seen by society as abnormal and told to seek psychological help!
OK, just so I don't sound like a self-righteous bitch, let me clear it out that I don't think casual relationships are evil. I don't do it as often as a lot of people around me, so I might be a little judgemental of them. But in no way do I judge their entire character because of that. I am absolutely open to having a discussion on this. You can agree with me or trash my viewpoint completely (minus expletives please). In fact, if you had spoken to me a few months ago, I was a lot more close minded on this topic. What I have right now is a more evolved view, after having spoken to certain people. So obviously, I'm not completely rigid in my opinion.
@Noputhyfooting - Don't you think you see relationships a little too mechanically? I understand and endorse your view too, but it's not always that easy to let go. Haven't you ever been in a situation when you know that person may not be the best person for you but you still wanna give it a shot, because at one point you did see potential there?
See, that's what I'm saying. It's not bad to have options, and in actuality, it may not even be wrong to keep moving on. But isn't it always better to make "trying" a priority, rather than always looking to switch? And what I've observed is that this switching behaviour is aided by each casual encounter. But then again, casual relationships aren't all pervasive in my ideal world.
Thanks, Viralized. Will continue writing. Hopefully get better :)
@Vasuta - I agree with you on the media bit. But I'd have to disagree with you on the societal pressure bit.
Companionship and requirement of affections is a human thing. Even neanderthal fucked. They also built families.
It's a wrong notion that single people are loners or don't need affection in an emotional sense (we all need to fuck). Sometimes you're just not in the right space in your mind or your life to give time to a relationship, even if you'd like to be in one. Sometimes you just don't find the right person. To say that it's normal is fine, but to say that it's normal because their need for love and companionship isn't there may be incorrect.
No I don't think that people don't need love or companionship, I just think it need not necessarily come from a romantic relationship. A lot of people find comfort in the company of children, pets etc...Of course the physical needs are there for everyone, but for that is a 'romantic' relationship necessarily required? Hollywood certainly thinks it is!
Maybe not a glorified romance yeah, but a need to belong to a single companion is still there no?
havent commented in a while but this topic is definitely one of those that i ponder about. you speak about being around people who have been in a lot of casual relationships - and about being judgmental. i think being judgmental is not right but i am inclined to agree with the this psychologist " psychologist was of the view that the more number of casual relationships a person has, the more their commitment levels to a proper long-term monogamous relationship starts falling. This person will go through hoards of hurdles such as not being able to express their feelings or not really feeling them at all." not being able to express feelings - i have that problem. Not feeling them - i've known someone really well that has that problem. Im in a long term committed relationship(its called being married) but i have a very practical approach on life and its way of hitting you when you least expect it to. So i wonder if I should ever be too attached, I wonder if I should care too much or love too much cause if something happens - i'd be affected. Ofcourse I'm being selfish and thinking only about my feelings because at the end of the day you are with yourself. You can be in a super loving relationship and feel suffocated and you can be in a relationship where you get no love and you are the one giving it all in the hope that it goes some where.
I'm probably rambling right now - but i've been wondering why we put so much emphasis on "the right way in a relationship". You are right, if your partner isn't happy with your choice they'll let you know and if thats not cool with you , you part ways if its going to be a constant interference. I do not appreciate people that live together for the sake of society or for the sake of not being alone. For some the need to be taken care of might suffice and to others the need to take care of others or to be depended on is sufficient but we should all realize that nothing, absolutely nothing lasts for ever. People evolve, change and move on and then there are some that don't, that are happy the way they are and continue to be that way.
When we spend so long to find that someone and believe we have found that someone and then get out in the world, get exposed and influenced by the variety that is life - then you either agree to disagree or you agree to move on.
like we fall few times before learning to ride a bicycle. same is about having a balanced relationship. there are breaks , paddles and chain. but again they are counted in old school...
ahh.. a very candid post, nicely put.
Regarding the last line Half involved, half single, it is not just that they are looking out for something "better" but maybe somehow they are in the current relationship because they are expected to be in a relationship ,owing to a certain age or peer pressure...Somehow it is expected and not having one is considered a bit unnatural, more for women than men i guess.
Regarding marriages ,I can go all philosophical with some "Aww" worthy stories about explanations..but maybe some other day :P
Marriages are a man made thing but as you rightly said Companionship is not, it is natural and extremely essential.
If we believe that the fundamental purpose of life is to be happy then a recent study revealed a well known fact, happiness depends of Warmth of your relationships...you may call it "love"..but That's it.
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