Are you living to live? - Part 1 (The seed)

Nine months ago, I encountered quite possibly the biggest existential crisis of my life. The problem was, I got too much time to think and reflect, being on my wedding leave for a month, and basking during my honeymoon in sunny South Africa. I watched people enjoy their lives, make merry every day, focus more on family and friends than money and I asked myself “Is it possible to live this way? Am I just running because everybody else is?” 

It took me a few days to figure out that I needed to dig deep to find what really makes me happy. I decided that I would love to teach kids music - singing, songwriting, maybe even the piano.

The more I thought and talked about it with my husband, the more it made me happy and sure. But I knew I was living in a bubble; I was, like everyone else, going to get back to my job and get absorbed, only to have these thoughts again at the next international vacation money can buy.

Except when I did get back, I found myself more helpless and frustrated than ever before. I woke up depressed, cried every evening and slept cribbing. “Sure this can’t be the way you’re gonna live for the rest of your life, yes?”, I asked myself. I was (am) newly married and I couldn’t start a relationship on a bad note. I couldn’t imagine being a 40 year old mother to talented kids, bitter and unfulfilled. What example am I going to set for them - kids, please don’t live your dreams because mommy didn’t and it’ll hurt her too much to see you happy doing yours? That’s classic Low-Self Esteem. 

At work, I felt invisible and challenged in an area that was neither in my zone of interest, nor in sync with my skill sets. You can even say I was trying to *become invisible* - maybe I could continue to make money while nobody cared whether I was working or not. (There are tons of people like that, I fooled myself into thinking I could happily be one of them.)

Teaching wasn’t going to work out. I had no idea how to design classes. I had been out of music for too long myself. What were my creds? Some washed up, has-been, singing-to-my-bedroom-wall musician? I couldn’t even hit notes I could 3 years ago. I quit piano lessons because my highly-accomplished teacher was pushing me too hard! Like hell I was going to convince parents to send their kids to an under-confident musician with only a Berklee College free course as a “degree”! I almost grudgingly accepted to be part of a band, hoping that my love for music might be tickled, hoping it hadn’t left me completely.   

If this was not the time to make some major changes, I might as well just have considered euthanasia at 30. I would’ve been the first case of “Kill-me-because-I’m-already-dead”.

The Lamp

Something moves in this house every day
the lamp, a few centimeters to the left,
the vases, appear and disappear
the salt and pepper shuffled
the book shelf, a little off centre
and I spend my time putting them back
in their right place
which I decided in the first place
out of boredom or compulsion,
or because how will you follow rules
without rules?

My peripheral vision is strained
Ears have had enough of my groans
who's this ghost playing this joke on me?
Who do I ask, of occurrences so trivial
and yet so wondersome (perhaps only to me)
Why is it necessary, I wonder,
to always have things the way I prefer
to always have them the way I feel comfortable
Is this a sign to irk me,
to make me revolt,
or resign to this nuisance?

Have I been living in a box for so long,
that everything in my life should imitate it?
Why shouldn't the lamp choose a darker corner today?
Why can't the vases just take a bath once in a while?
Why wouldn't the book shelf want to be closer to the window?

One day, not too far from now,
I will pick up the courage to budge myself,
a few centimeters to the left,
to see
if the world looks different from that angle,
and to hear
all rules suspend.

In this bad bad world, be that something good

I was about a share on FB yet another article on rape/rape culture blah, blah and blah. I'm wondering if anything we do or say (scream) makes any sort of difference at all. Every day we have articles, pages and pages filled with feminist views; movies, songs on women empowerment and equality. Is it making any difference at all? Terrorism, genocide, religious fanaticism.. just so we could appeal to the humanity in every human being. Yet there are people who blame the woman...blame a country that suffered insurmountable loss...blame a religion...point the finger because it's the easiest thing to do. 

Sometimes I feel so useless, here I am being an armchair critic, watching world movies and taking pride in the little knowledge I gain, proudly bringing it up in a comfortable house party conversations every now and then. But these are people who are already sensitized, aware and know better. I wish I could say that I could affect a change by penning down my opinions as well, but I'm always too scared to be politically incorrect; there are wolves and trolls just waiting to prove you wrong, incapable, too extreme/coy or less knowledgeable than them. Maybe it's just something I've concocted in my head. As a result, I'm just a reader of convenience, hiding behind words of the limited authors who pen the most interesting headline.

It breaks my heart to read about violence, which is why I stopped reading the newspaper many years ago. Growing up in Delhi, TOI page 3 was always filled with rape and Vasant Kunj murder cases. Can't the news ever be positive?, I asked myself. And unfortunately, the news isn't getting any better with the years that have passed.

I wish there was a way I could help sensitize people who don't have access to rational thinking, people who believe war is never the answer because it only harms the innocent, people who believe reform must be considered and implemented before you announce a death sentence, (however heinous the crime), people who understand how ironical it is to suggest bombing a country to bring about peace, people who would rise up from popular belief and stop blaming the victim.

Support people who try to help, don't dismiss them. #Illridewithyou and #IndiaWithPakistan are making positive conversations and helping out people as we speak - in person or in spirit. It's easy to poke fun, call people attention-whores or follower-whores, but look beyond it.

And some people might not be as knowledgeable as you or share your opinion. Don't dismiss them either - teach them, try to reason with them. Maybe they will change YOUR mind. Pause, breathe and think.