No Apologies

Pray tell me

Why is being heartless

such a virtue 

Feeling,

A weakness

Opening up, 

A vulnerability 

Expressing love,

The ultimate embarrassment.

I said it but not quite,

You heard it but not quite. 

So here it is for your reading (dis)pleasure. 

Love, here I could write an album of sorts

At arm’s length, making four hours worth of small talk

It’s not easy to keep track of your quips, whilst

my body’s as tense as a bowstring

Your well-rehearsed tricks are transparent for miles 

Sure, I’ll pretend to be blind if you’d like

I’m a slave to your wishes, aren’t I, 

a common prisoner of your smiles

When my body finally gives way 

With your slightest touch and

To the twinkle in those eyes

In that moment I don’t care what you think 

I can’t, just can’t hold it in. 

And I shouldn’t be asked

To hold it in. 

Or to get it over with. 

To GET.OVER.IT. 

To...compartmentalise. 

What an awfully cruel word to the unwise. 

You mean it, maybe not quite, but

I see misplaced pride in your eyes. 

As you stare at me as if I’m naíve

I stare back in disbelief, that

I tried to be less human

because evolution asked me to 

because you expected me to

And I let myself be fooled. 

Truth is, 

we weren’t really built that way

Much less me, that I will say

Perhaps I’m the luckiest girl in the world

to have felt and pained and loved and lost

By letting myself take the long, long fall

So 

I’m going to stop apologising for it all.