Yeh saali zindagi

Bhenchod, life saali weird hai. 

Here I was looking forward to watching the F1 qualifying today and I had to run a bloody temperature. It's a good thing I refused Metallica left, right and center because look where that would've gotten me! (Pervy Delhi men + Pervy Gurgaon men = Groping to scar you even in after-life) 

Anyway, we were dining at a restaurant in Noida last night and these people from Virgin Racing technical support were there too. Two old men and two super hot female engineers who my mom thought were cheerleaders. So of course my big fat excited family had to get super excited and my dad being the overenthusiastic chump that he is had to repeat "Welcome to India! Have a great time tomorrow! Welcome to India! Good luck for tomorrow! Do well!" like they're his 14 year old sitting for an exam the next day. It also involved a photosession, by the by. Meanwhile I was sinking lower and lower in my seat. Palm was on the face the whole time, except when I was hogging biryani by the dozen. And so now I have a stomach upset and fever. (I've realized one can blame the family for absolutely everything that goes wrong in one's life)

If I haven't told you enough - Nidz, you're a fantastic friend. I'm warning you ahead of time that you're gonna be my 3am buddy buds for the next couple of weeks. And thanks for convincing me I'm super awesome and humoring me when I have my "I don't know what to live for!" moments. An encore would be required every night till I ask you to stop. One day we will live together and keep a talking parrot. And teach it to abuse in a few languages. Then we'll be the crazy parrot ladies with stellar careers profiled on afaqs! Same goes for Vasu, plus the shopping, minus the parrot.

My laptop is making sounds like a diesel engine's. Rumble rumbly, like my tummy. If the Dewarists have taught me anything, it is to sample every strange sound you hear so that it can be used to create music. I'm guessing laptop fan sound isn't one of them. Stomach even more so.

****

If I didn't have work I would've probably gone insane. That's possibly the strangest realization I've had in the longest time. My first year at work started off with a bang and was going bust with the appraisal approaching. What I had to learn was how to basically "get work done, faster" and that was gonna happen if I screamed at my creative agency people loud enough. I was the one they called if they wanted the deadline to be extended - the nice accommodating fuck that I am. Only I knew what was going to be unleashed if I let myself go.

Then I let myself go.

Now I'm dreaded for my monologues. I have to say, not being on stage for close to a year has made me crave performing so much, this screaming business is quite an outlet! So now they'd rather just get my work done soon enough than see my name flash on their phone every half hour. 

Hold it, is it keeping me from going insane or making me insane? Hahaha!

*Humblebrag alert*

But overall work life is definitely getting awesomer by the day. I mean when the VP Marketing himself asks you specifically to join a workshop with him, it couldn't be more overwhelming. Either they love my inputs or they're entertained every time I'm in a meeting. In the last meeting I told the french director of my upcoming television commercial if he could use a green screen and do the rest in post prod. He got up and said "You have ze director right heeeaaa, what ya need me fau?" And then the rest of the afternoon he kept taking jabs at me and winking at me. My bosses were having a field day. I even got entry into the senior management huddle! I've become one of the men \m/ Yusss yusss! I've also started using the Serious Voice.

What a sweet old french man. Francois. I can say his name all day. Fron-soo-aaa.

What really bothers me is that most people don't understand what I do, including me sometimes. I mean, I'm the Brand Manager for 5 motorcycle brands. How exactly am I contributing to society? I'm not a doctor saving lives, an engineer (technically I am) creating world class infrastructure and technology innovations, a teacher who is the foundation of everything good. I sell bikes, which leads to petrol being used, putting pressure on the environmental resources. What little meaning my whole career has! Everyday I need to convince myself that my product is making life easier for a few people, my brand is giving them the self esteem they need to feel proud of themselves and measure their accomplishments with. 

An interesting conversation on the related topic:

Me: Sir (to my piano teacher), my very first commercial is on tv!

Teacher: Really? Wow. Did you make it?

Me: No, that's the production house's job.

Teacher: So did you write the script?

Me: No, that's the ad agency's job.

Teacher: Then what was your role?

Me: I dunno...I arranged meetings? *gulp*

I had an idea, I've learnt quite a few pieces on my piano and I'm really craving an audience. Would you mind me putting a video at the end of each post? Won't be more than a minute long, I promise!

An Open Letter To The Last Boy

Dear Boy

I've been crushing on the opposite sex since I was 5 years old. FIVE. Now I am almost 27. In the last 21 years I have cried over them for various reasons - they moved away, they liked other girls, they liked other girls and me at the same time but liked them better, but mostly because they did not know I existed.

And you should also know that from that long list (including the ones who have shown their interest in dating me) I've considered only THREE men for, you know, long-haul purposes. So that's 21 years divided by 3...1 guy for every 7 years. Like an admission letter, I am pleased to announce that you have been one of the candidates that made the cut.

So when you chose to let me down...gently...by saying (you perhaps lost interest in me because) I was "too easily pleased" (amongst other perfectly logical reasons), I have to admit, I was quite dumbfounded! Now that I've recovered, I can write this Open Letter because I can't possibly risk anything (barring a little pride)

Dating somebody for two months and considering them for the long haul? Yeah, I guess you're right, I AM too easily pleased.

There's a lot that didn't happen in those months, but there's a lot that did. Like, Gchatting the whole day, leading to endless phone conversations, not to mention text messages that made me smile to no end. You know how they say some pains are good pains? Yeah, that was my jaw for a whole month. My finely cemented walls came crumbling down so fast, I very blushingly embarrassed myself.

Never in my whole life has anyone fussed so much over my birthday! You were restless, trying to figure me out in that short span so you could throw a grand gesture...which you did. I know it wasn't "grand" for you but it was to me, because no one ever did anything like that for me, ever. You could've excluded the cooking and guitar playing, and it would've been just as good.

I shudder to think what bitches your previous girlfriends have been to you that they didn't appreciate your smallest attention to detail. But you clearly liked to be treated that way and not "Look! Here's a girl who's easily pleased. This is great!" I forgot, that after all, you're a guy and nothing is more important than a well-done chase sequence. But babe, I'm 27 and so very tired of games.

The fact that you wanted to get to know me outdoors as much as you wanted to discover me indoors, well that's just wrong! The fact that seeing you care about your family the way you do made me care about mine..well, that's just preposterous! The fact that you didn't want to push me against the wall while making out, because my head could be hit hard, that's just unheard of! The fact that you respect a rickshawwallah, a waiter that fucked up the order and a successful company CEO the same way, I'm sorry that's just inappropriate. I must be dreaming, this "I've learnt so much from you" & "You make me a better person" happens only in movies.

I've met plenty people in my life who are ambitious, talk big, and then present excuses for not doing them (that includes me) I haven't known you for long but I know you will never back down from what you've set out to do, however lofty it all might sound. THAT makes you incredibly hot. When you giggle like a little 10 year old while watching South Park, that just drives me insane with adoration. How could I not have exclaimed to myself "Where was this guy all my life?!?!" The fact that you still somewhere feel guilty about the way things ended with us...well, don't.

You took my imaginary checklist, ticked almost everything in it, scribbled some extra things down, made it into a ball and hit it out of the park. Yes, I was too easily pleased. And I can turn around and say "Hah! Your loss" but from where I see it, it's clearly mine.

But wait...No! I'm NOT too easily pleased. Can't you see? You're just that damn good.

Hello & Welcome

It's a real tragedy that it has been more than three years
I said "I love you" to people who weren't my girlfriends.
There have been a few times my heart was stuck in my throat
throbbing
ready to be spit out
only to have ego sew my lips.

Thank God!
Those "goodbye I love you's" are devastating, aren't they?

I said it a thousand times looking at your picture.
I said it a million times in my head.
And there were times I was thinking out so loud I feared I could be heard.
But that would've been ok.
Atleast I wouldn't have had to look back and think
What if I had put my pride on the line? Should I have risked it?
But my friends were there with big placards that said No! Don't do it! 

It's supposed to be easy with the right person, isn't it?
It should escape the mouth like cigarette smoke?

But if I had said it out loud
and it didn't change anything
what a blow would that have been!
So, even if my jaw were giving up,
I'll let my heart stay stuck in my throat
for as long as it doesn't feel wrong
I'll wait till the time it feels right
the time when it's not a goodbye, but a hello.

Hello. 
Welcome to my life.
I love you. 
Please don't leave me!

Maybe a statement give or take.
And maybe not in that sequence.