Tonight I Write

Oh I am there with you every second, yet I'm so far

and I cry, not because I can't write like you, 

but the beauty of the words

wash me away

and absolve me

I say out loud every single sentence

emoting, absorbing

feeling

the little drops of heaven, written for a young lady so lucky

and I wonder if she ever read them

and returned your love

in dime a dozen or 

never at all 

because she couldn't understand

feelings that she never felt;

I know how it feels, to have wasted countless words.

What secret did you hide

in that vortex you call your heart?

and did you die in bed with a lovely woman

twirling her hair 

touching her lips

finding the treasure,

or as a lonely man, accidentally inking your pocket

spending years imagining and longing tenderness

but thankful for the pain?

Because that's how we love

in the handcuffs of despair

a looney dog barking with hunger

a village without a source of water

we're lost like a broken compass

we're fighting, you and I,

we're fighting love, 

we're fighting for our right to love

we're romancing the threat 

to pull the rug from under its feet

the earth might meet the sky

and swallow us completely 

and I hope you'd catch my hand

before it slips

because I never want to say

I lived and never loved

I loved and never cried

I cried but never died

I died but never read Neruda.

Me on the piyanno!

Ohai! I made a cover of one of my favorite songs - Lithium by Evanescence. Took me really long to get this right - 4 difficult months to learn it on the piano and 2 months to get this far. Some chut has already Disliked it on YouTube :P Iz ok, I can handle it. Just needs to show I have to do better :) Yuss. Pliss to try and enjoy! :P

 

 It's not an Original Composition but I didn't have a better label to tag it with.

Sowie, fraanz

I want to start off by apologizing to everyone.

Megs, for not being able to attend your wedding and not calling you for three months to date. If you're reading this, I hope you're not very mad at me. I will call you soon, how soon I don't know. You were there encouraging me when I was super excited about planning to go to Malaysia last year and you were jealous but you were there, living vicariously through me. And I couldn't even wish you on one of the most important days of your life. I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry, but I think of you all the time. I guess I'm just not in the place where I want to listen to a giddy newly-married woman talk about how wonderful her life is. It makes me feel like shit, it really does.

Vasu, for promising you that we'll meet coming weekends but not doing so. I'll try and make up for it by dancing at your wedding all night long. Apparently I do a killer Hips Don't Lie.

My parents, for always sounding irritable. I wouldn't be able to deal with a kid like me. I don't even visit my cancer-recovering grandmother anymore. I mean, what value addition could I possibly make? My bro for bearing the brunt of all my bad days. Sharing the same room at 27 is really fucked up, you know :)

All of you who are happy, you make me feel inadequate. I really don't know what's up. Food has lost its flavor. Music has lost its meaning. Shopping has lost its charm. Work has lots its ambition. Masterchef has lost its joy. Weather has lost its effect. Everything's wrong, just wrong. I'm living my life, one day at a time, and not being able to look beyond that day. I have no plans, no hopes, nothing I'm looking forward to. I don't remember dates or what month we're in and sometimes even the year! I wake up with a frown, I go back to bed with a frown. I argue, I'm bitchy and mean. I cry during lunchbreaks. I don't feel like working, and that leaves me with even more time to ponder over how much my life sucks right now. I'm a terrible friend, an even worse lover (from whenever I last remember), a lazy employee, a non-familial family member, my stupid new phone also died on me.

Am I ok? No, I'm not ok. I've never felt this powerless. It's like my life is a car but I'm out of gas. But I haven't started drinking copiously or had thoughts of suicide, I'm not built that way. God, I wish there was some sort of mathematical equation that would show me a pattern and tell me when it'll be next that I'll be happy, find some sort of peace. The problem is, I don't even know what's bothering me. Actually, it's everything. At least when you know the one problem, you're able to work towards it. I don't even know where to start or if my efforts are leading anywhere at all. This perennial headache just doesn't seem to go away. Nothing distracts me from it either, infact everything else that tries to take my mind off things gets neglected. Even The Secret is not helping currently.

Dear friends, please be patient while I try to put my shit back together so I don't feel like the scum of the earth. Thanks. I hope you miss me.