I want to start off by apologizing to everyone.
Megs, for not being able to attend your wedding and not calling you for three months to date. If you're reading this, I hope you're not very mad at me. I will call you soon, how soon I don't know. You were there encouraging me when I was super excited about planning to go to Malaysia last year and you were jealous but you were there, living vicariously through me. And I couldn't even wish you on one of the most important days of your life. I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry, but I think of you all the time. I guess I'm just not in the place where I want to listen to a giddy newly-married woman talk about how wonderful her life is. It makes me feel like shit, it really does.
Vasu, for promising you that we'll meet coming weekends but not doing so. I'll try and make up for it by dancing at your wedding all night long. Apparently I do a killer Hips Don't Lie.
My parents, for always sounding irritable. I wouldn't be able to deal with a kid like me. I don't even visit my cancer-recovering grandmother anymore. I mean, what value addition could I possibly make? My bro for bearing the brunt of all my bad days. Sharing the same room at 27 is really fucked up, you know :)
All of you who are happy, you make me feel inadequate. I really don't know what's up. Food has lost its flavor. Music has lost its meaning. Shopping has lost its charm. Work has lots its ambition. Masterchef has lost its joy. Weather has lost its effect. Everything's wrong, just wrong. I'm living my life, one day at a time, and not being able to look beyond that day. I have no plans, no hopes, nothing I'm looking forward to. I don't remember dates or what month we're in and sometimes even the year! I wake up with a frown, I go back to bed with a frown. I argue, I'm bitchy and mean. I cry during lunchbreaks. I don't feel like working, and that leaves me with even more time to ponder over how much my life sucks right now. I'm a terrible friend, an even worse lover (from whenever I last remember), a lazy employee, a non-familial family member, my stupid new phone also died on me.
Am I ok? No, I'm not ok. I've never felt this powerless. It's like my life is a car but I'm out of gas. But I haven't started drinking copiously or had thoughts of suicide, I'm not built that way. God, I wish there was some sort of mathematical equation that would show me a pattern and tell me when it'll be next that I'll be happy, find some sort of peace. The problem is, I don't even know what's bothering me. Actually, it's everything. At least when you know the one problem, you're able to work towards it. I don't even know where to start or if my efforts are leading anywhere at all. This perennial headache just doesn't seem to go away. Nothing distracts me from it either, infact everything else that tries to take my mind off things gets neglected. Even The Secret is not helping currently.
Dear friends, please be patient while I try to put my shit back together so I don't feel like the scum of the earth. Thanks. I hope you miss me.
12 comments:
Seek and you shall find....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5g8rjdsgRQ&list=PL772BE658D97612E7&index=1&feature=plpp_video
Self help books and seminars huh.... too much..
Err.....
Seeking happiness is like seeking sleep...
you dont get it if you keep on thinking about it...
Since this space is getting all spiritual with hyperlinks....
i doubt this will help, but, Here you go....
http://www.oshoteachings.com/osho-to-identify-with-happiness-is-to-invite-unhappiness/
-- The Unknown
P.S. btw i liked the sorry note... :)
well fraaaand... we'll miss you and then when you bounce right back whenever that happens it'll be right into our happy arms. I speak like we've met but get out - put up a profile on a dating site - just to feel good - you dont have to go out with the creepies out there. You need to be appreciated!
I feel like a voyeur reading this, but now that I have, here is my short quick fix recipe:
1. Doesnt remind me - Audioslave
2. All my life - Foo fighters
3. Walk - Foo fighters
after this you'll be ready for anything else, recommend doses of wailing Eddie Vedder. If all else fails, bring in copious amounts of Damian Rice.
For some Florence & the Machine works, but whatever you do stay away from Adele!
keep faith and keep :)
Look up 'Weltschmerz'
Hey Madhur, thanks for the link, it was a nice one :)
Anon! That article was fantastic! I hope more people read this.
Awww thanks, Anu! It's not about the dating. There's so much shit going on, dating really is low on priority right now.
Himanshu - Another friend I should be talking to a lot more :P Will listen! You quite the Foo Fighter fan no? Hey, if this can work for you, they can work for me :)
Gajanan - Thanks, and I always do :)
Anon - Kinda extreme, isn't it? Things get bad but are always in control here.
And to all the friends who called and texted and hit me up on chat, you guys are awesome! :D
We all go through such phases, just give it time
reading u for year or so....always a pleasure... one small advice......"let it pass"...
keep writin n and pianoing..... :-)
I can hear you ...
you're going to be just fine sweetheart
what's happening, is called life and it has an odd way of incessantly moving on
Exactly how I feel, after meeting someone in London!
My restless attempts of attempting to "stay in touch" probably makes her feel like I am creep; but what the hell I am totally incapable of focusing on anything else else right now.
Hopefully you found a way out and so will I!
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