The Purpose

He’s gone

And I can’t remember the last thing I said to him

How long did I not have any words for him?

Besides the vitriol I spewed here in 2012.

I keep telling everybody “He fulfilled his purpose.”

Maybe I’d actually know the purpose he strived for

Had we exchanged real thoughts

If only I tried, not to roll my eyes.  

I wish I could find out-

If he mentally prioritised in his final moments

The agony of pain or

the vacuum of a mute granddaughter. 

You know 

My feelings are just hyperbole at this point 

Weren’t they always?

So am I tearing up because I miss him?

Or is it the guilt

That most days I just don’t have it in me

To be a good person. 

And then one day

I will too just be ashes,

Reduced by the conflagration we call Life,

Flowing down a filthy and incurable “holy” river 

(Perfect for washing away my sins!)

And someone with a fraction of my DNA

Will share their empty words to convey

They can’t remember the last thing they said to me.

Is it not enough?

Is it not enough

To sing to my four walls

The walls have ears too

They hear just because

Is it not enough

A gift was received and nurtured

We’re mother and child forever

So how did it become a burden?

Is it not enough

That I am always happy in its midst

Any heartbreak I can survive

As long as within me it exists

Is it not enough

Or do I too need to wear a dress

Slap on some makeup and rock the mic

Like a dervish possessed?

Is it not enough

That I sing just to hear you say

You are the most beautiful girl in the world

...it always, always makes my day

Danke, dis bald!

I don’t know why it affects me so

my head can’t think straight for the first 24

I know it isn’t love, 

I also know it isn’t platonic, so

Is this just a feverish high of the clandestined?

A secret too inconvenient to reveal

With consequences too exhausting, if I rewind.

I’m not afraid of the future

I gain smile lines with every passing day

It is, verily, of the past sneaking up on me…

Isn’t it all too alluring, the reminder of juvenility?

The moments of weaknesses, a sign of recklessness

A reassurance that youth wasn’t too far behind,

that it can still stay in me, as long as I stay unwise!

Some slip ups I can afford

But not this, not now, not like this

Lest I prove myself right every once in a while

Watch this sceptical angel dining with her own little devil

Who, for dessert, serves a delicious fortune cookie of peril.

Oh, Sweet Mistakes!

You’re going to cost me dearly.

When have I been one to protect myself

From the thrill of a complication?

When have I been one to resist a juicy sin

For I’ve been far too good, 

At least for the sake of percentage calculation.

All I pray for tonight is a good night’s sleep

I’m just biding my hours till the 24th sinks deep

I’ll close my eyes and blind my mind to an uncommitted crime

Perhaps

Until next time.