Casper the happy ghost

I turn 29 next month.

I said that out loud to myself just a few minutes ago while staring at the ceiling. Why did I do that? What significance does it have? Was it my way of telling myself that hey, do you even know what it means to be 29? Moreover, why can’t I believe it?

Oft I think about the time when I was 13-15. I narrate incidents from then as if they just happened, a few weeks ago. Fresh as they are in my memory, should really they be? Am I living too much in the past?

There’s nothing quite like meeting new people and them being your mirror; the one you don’t wish to take seriously but the one you can’t really deny. Somehow, there are things that are so glaring to them but you haven’t even noticed in your daily rigmarole or perhaps understood how much it has seeped in your system. There have been two such people in my life lately, the first being B and second Soozee.

What these two have in common is immense patience, patience to handle me particularly. (Do you even know how much I talk and in what tangents?!). I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that they’ve figured me out way too soon or that they’ve made me aware of my problems and now I must make amends.

A few years ago (see, I referred to my past again), a guy I was dating told me that I plan too far ahead, that I should try to live in the present. Now I’m seeing someone who tells me that I live too much in the past and is surprised by how clueless I am about my future. Clearly I’m doing the “living in the moment” wrong! I guess I would’ve been ok with all these comments if I were, say, 26. But it’s the being 29 thing that bothers me.

Am I really holding myself back from thinking ahead because of being caged in my past? Am I really living a “delayed adolescence” as B likes to point out? (Do I think too much? Do I ask too many questions? Is that really wrong?) What if I am really unsure? I’m not making an effort in music as much I should’ve been. I love my job but I’m not sure if I see myself doing that for all of eternity. I don’t even know what’s the next step if I were to continue in the same direction.

Is this what you call “being at crossroads in life”? I guess I’d have to really sit down with myself and jot down the things I’d like to do. If I am ambitious at all, and if so where should my energies go. If I ever want to get married or should ever have children. It’s funny that I genuinely cannot see more than a week ahead. A one off dream such as “I’d like to buy a house one day” or “I’d wanna compose music for the biggies in this country” seem aimless and lofty, moreso because what the fuck am I doing about it.

Everyone is moving on. I feel like I’m stuck at one place, jogging hard but not shifting from my place (and not losing weight!). Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m not even sure if I want to see myself in my 30s or 40s. What’s the point really? I’ll earn, I’ll eat, I’ll feel insecure about my body. I’ll love, I’ll get hurt and feel like I would’ve been happier if I had more money. Maybe one day I’ll stop stalking my exes online to remind myself that I’m still indifferent, yet talking about them all the time. Even if I don’t, how will that make me any more happy than all the wretched people who quite likely have more problems than I do.

The funny thing is, I’m quite happy right now! I have very little to complain about. I enjoy everything around me. People, work, the city, my house. I made amends with a few people and reconciled with a few situations the last few months, after having spoken to B. But what do you see that I can’t? In the absence of clarity about the future, isn’t the past what you naturally turn towards? Isn’t that supposed to make your future? If I AM happy right now, is my past really hampering anything at all? I seem to just laugh about it all. Is there pain hidden somewhere? Are all ghosts evil?

Happy New Year J