Unsuccessfully deconstructing 'Cool' and other digressions

The other day I was having a discussion on websites with a colleague and I used the term "Hipster colors". I paused for a second to 1) applaud myself for coining a new phrase (not sure if it'll ever pick up) 2) question myself on what I really meant by 'Hipster colors'. After thinking for a nano-second, I came to the conclusion that, because I wanted cool/hip colors, I referred to Pastels as Hipsters. 

For a few years now I've had this major Cool complex. Where, on one hand, I feel I'm superior than a lot of people I meet, I constantly put unnecessary pressure on myself to become 'cooler'. I have this vague idea of what a cool person is, though if I ever tried to explain it to you, I'd either spectacularly fail or be at the risk of sounding like a snob. 

Only a few years ago, I was a loud mouth, belligerent, hopeful, rebel-wannabe who was also at times the life of the party, the "shining star" (I was called that once, I kid you not), the most adorable person around. I slowly feel that person fade away, for reasons I can't put my finger on. (age? appropriateness? professionalism?) I liked that girl, she was fierce and tons of fun. She fought for what she thought was in her best interest, still not stepping on other people's toes. That person didn't even care so much about acceptance by others. Now I'm agreeable, watch my words a lot more, bear very visible unfairness, bow out too soon...all in all, a very weak shadow of my old self. That "spark" seems to have left me, the joie de vivre that I always prided myself on. I see it in my brother, in some kids around me. So much hope, so much to look forward to, so much to live for, so much to prove. By becoming more accommodating, less selfish (?), seeing-things-from-other-people's-perspective might have made me more mature on the outside, but I constantly don't feel like myself. I don't like what I wear, my hair, what I look like. Sometimes I even hate the tone of my voice. I end my monologues abruptly myself, because I get tired of my own opinions! I feel like I've taken my own soul and caged it. I find everyone boring because I've become boring. I miss that weird talkative girl. Where's the wit, the silly humor? Gone with the wind it seems.

I'm so uninspired every single day of my life that I can't even make music anymore. I've become conservative and less adventurous in thought and action. Hell, it's taken me months to write a blog post. I know that person is still there somewhere inside, but I have no idea how to release it. I have so many excuses for not doing the things that I've always loved, there seems to have become this big concrete wall that I cannot bring down anymore. I've even stopped asking myself "For what purpose were you put on this earth?". Sometimes I wish to disappear in a circumstance that hurts no one. Where is that person who questioned everything? The one who knew the answer still hunted for a better question?

I digress. 

I'm confused. As I've grown and met more and more people, I hear all sorts of ideas of what a 'cool' person is. A person who drinks every night after work and socializes with the world. A person who started smoking at age 15, is hardcore into drugs now, and still manage to kick ass at work. A person who sleeps with a different person every night and is more emotionally disconnected with every new lay. (Man, I have a full blog post on that!) A person who listens to a certain kind of music - mostly niche and uncommercial - and turns up their nose at every one else. A secretive person who strikes when the iron is hot. Conniving, shrewd, sly, non-inclusive, fake. Paradoxes paradoxes! 

Then there are others who I'd rather idolize. The ones leaving their jobs to travel. The ones who risk everything, to do what they really love and work their asses off to make it happen. But increasingly, I feel like I'm capable of none of those above. It's so easy to make excuses, so difficult to put thought to real action. I'm so tired of being apologetic for who I am and who I've become. I was never the crazy, nutty one who threw caution to the wind but I was never the one who hoped to be anyone but myself.

Yes, I exaggerate. Yes, I'm cynical and overly critical. Yes, I have my own strong personal biases. Yes, I let it categorize things in black and white for me. What person doesn't? Didn't you judge me when I said I'd rather watch a movie alone at home every night of the month than go clubbing even once? You've drowned yourself in a potent mix of cocaine and alcohol, dancing in the middle of the bar, being loud and obnoxious and feel like the king of the world. Rave, rinse and repeat. You're not a bad person, I just pity you. I choose to not retaliate to your comments about how uncool I am. Because deep inside, I only wish you well and hope that your lifestyle doesn't take a toll on your health. I hope that it's not some deep-rooted mental problem that is driving you to this. This is really no way to unwind. But if I try to tell you that, I'd be criticised. I'm not your mother and I don't wish to be called one. Apparently, I'm not "living in the moment", can't let go of my inhibitions. And for those reasons alone sometimes I wish I was one of you. For all the fun and popularity. For all the people who'd recognize me in the streets and say Hi to me. For living a life where age is only physical. It's the easiest way to be cool. And yet, so difficult for me.

I'm the kind of person who saves their breath for people who matter, who add any value to my life. Sometimes I save my breath because I don't want to waste their time by interacting with me. I can't be the socialite who tries to kiss people's asses (I use the word 'ass' a lot, pardon monsieur) just to be in their good books. I've never wanted to be popular for people I don't care about, even if I 'should' care about them. I can't constantly publicize how awesome I am at everything. I'm easy to show boredom, indifference and even disinterest when need be. It's my natural way of rebellion. My way of not including them. But where's the choice? You're asking me fake everything I have ever been. Do you even know how exhausting it is?

I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with me. I've let you convince me that you're right, because guess who has stopped questioning everything! This person is not me. This person I believe I should be was never me. As a result, I've become distrustful of everyone I meet. Neither am I changing into this person that might take me places, nor am I getting back to who I was. Everyday is an escape in one form or the other. An opportunity to pass the days without accountability to myself, Going With The Motions as they say, to save myself the guilt.

That said, I have some ridiculously awesome people in my life that make me feel like my existence still has some meaning. They don't need to, but they still egg me on to be more courageous and help me realize nothing is as difficult as it seems. The last thing I want is to be a 40 year old with a whole list of What-Ifs, mental and physical problems that I might not be able to avert, an unfulfilling career to people around me I cannot love fully. These days I'm wishing to hit rock bottom only to compel myself to get up again!

But mostly I just want to love myself again. I don't even remember what that was like.

P.S: I'm not fishing for compliments here, nor do I intend to worry you. I wouldn't mind an advice though :)