Friends & Lovers

Now that you're no longer a threat to my sanity
and I no longer remember what it was like to have you as my lover
'cause it seems like a completely different century
there are days I try, but all I recall is,
not the trangressionary kisses we shared,
but sitting across the table from you and laughing
sitting on the couch and seeing you laugh
at a Russell Peters' impression you did
Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad! (and I did, so bad)
or a highly animated impression of my boss that I did
when you used to say I am my funniest when I'm most upset
and my anger would subside
It never ceased to amaze me
that my mind was never so open, so free, so loving of every thought in my head
my mouth that never before felt like stopping to listen to another person's mind
it did for you, I was a good listener for you
I don't miss my lover
I don't miss the guilt or the shame
I don't remember the physical pain from longing for you
I no longer care you felt someone else was more worthy of your love
but I do remember your words of comfort when somebody close to me passed away
I miss my badminton doubles partner who volunteered to team up with me when nobody wanted to
I miss my lunch partner who ditched his friends on Fridays to eat with me
I do miss my friend.

Dear Denial

You, Dear Denial, are right out of a fable
and you keep me in one for as long as you like
where all the happy places coalesce into one big ball of bliss
where everything wrong is reflected away
how could there be any wrongs? there are only rights
my intuition must be overworking tonight
sometimes I must learn to not listen to it
for it could be mistaken
things will always fall into place
and everything I do is good
and everything they do is for my benefit
and everybody's unwell but me
I prance around in a pool of cotton
I find new neighbors - young and old
we joke and spin a web for ourselves
we run around in circles and we like it
so happy, so healthy, so inebriated
in the lies we tell ourselves
then telling ourselves they aren't lies
we hear voices in our head and ignore them
the voices are mean and rude and ludicrous
and have no truth to them
they're just a distraction from the good life
and before we know it
months, years pass
your charm is still fresh, still alluring
like a mirage on a summer morning
I try to touch you and you disappear
were you never there?
did you just disintegrate?
I'm crumbling on my knees
I'm losing a little bit of sleep
I'm losing a lot of weight
My chest hurts, my head bursts
I'm dying a little bit inside
My throat cracks while singing and then chokes
Am I already dead? Could I be a haunting wronged soul?
Why is the earth under me turning to quicksand?
Dear Denial, throw me a rope!
Work your magic on me again
Turn me into water and yourself to a sponge.

What would one do without friends?

You know how certain people close to you say tiny little things to you that affect you too much for some reason?

Met this friend back in March. We saw each other after a couple of months and he said, with a disappointed face, that I've changed. I wanted to badger him with a barrage of questions but I was too saddened by it. I spent the rest of the night and the subsequent month thinking why he said something like that. I observed that because of what he said I was going out of my way to act younger. I spoke to another friend about it, if I had indeed changed for the worse. She said "It's just part of growing up. You can't be the same teenager all your life." She's right. Growing up may make you a little serious on the outwards but your spirit never dies. I mean, we all have our bright & chirpy and silent days right? Maybe it was just one of those days. When I mentioned this to my friend, it just seemed like he made that comment in passing, a comment I took way too seriously.

Around 10 days ago I was very disappointed in myself for behaving a certain way with myself (I can't elaborate on what I was doing) I'm a generally obsessive person (with almost everything I love, but not in a creepy way) but that day it started to creep me out. It started affected me physically, I was being a total psychosomatic. My acidity turned to a high temperature. I couldn't believe how idle my mind becomes when I'm alone and there's no work or nobody at home to distract me. I spoke to a friend about it and she took that stupidity and put a positive spin on it "Archie, you just have too much energy, you need to expend" And that has helped me so much! Everytime I'm idle and feel the obsessive tendencies coming on I just tell myself it's not my brain, it's just that my infinite energy wants to do something and so I either read or play the piano or sing.

What would one do without friends? :)