Midnight thoughts in my head

I can hear the thoughts in my head.

The head that constantly worries about me being too old to be in a band, trying to enter a scene that thrives on energetic, finicky kids with ephemeral tastes. I was old 3 years ago, now I’m even older. But I don’t wanna be one of them 40 year olds being told their best years are behind them, but knowing that their best years never really happened. That’ll kill me. No amount of other happiness in the world will be able to compensate for the loss, the void I feel every single day I don’t pursue music. The truth is, I’m not even as driven about it as I was a few years ago; but that doesn’t stop this feeling of ready regret. Even if we crash and burn in 6 months, having performed to public just twice (if we’re lucky), I’ll know I tried. So, I hope I try.

I can hear the thoughts in my head.

About a year ago, I met a (sort of) ex after a long long time at an event my team was organizing. You can say I was a little nervous, a little apprehensive about how I’m gonna feel, what I’m gonna say. We’ve all been there, right? I was actually shocked at how little I felt and cared when I met him. This is the person I left my long-term relationship for. The person who stole 2 years of my precious youth, making me wish every day that by some dumb luck he’ll realize he made a mistake by not choosing me and will come running into my arms. The person who inadvertently kept me chaste for a year and a half! The person who’s responsible for the first 3 years of this blog. And he’s standing there in front of me, reminiscing about the great times we had, and I could only think about the number of tears I wasted. In that moment, I was angry and, at the same time, wanted to laugh in his face. In that moment, I was also thankful he made the difficult decision for me, for I wouldn’t have known this great life otherwise.

I dreamt about him a couple of months post that. It was the first time I walked away from him, and not the other way round, like I had been dreaming all the years before that. That morning has been one of my most freeing experiences of my life. To know that your subconscious has finally let go of someone you thought would haunt you for the rest of your life. This evening I dreamt of him again, again being devoid of any feelings. I’ve had other exes too, but none I cared enough to feel this indifferent towards.

I can hear the thoughts in my head.

I’m on the brink of making one of the biggest decisions of my life and surprisingly I’m not too scared. I’m being told I should be, so I’m doing my little rethinking bit. I’ve been in situations before that I’ve hurt the person I’ve committed myself to, so I’m wondering if I’m in for a repeat performance. “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, they say. There’s a certain thrill in doing the wrong thing, but boy oh boy did I pay dearly for it. There’s also a certain kind of thrill in knowing someone loves you as much as they do, that they help you reconsider your feelings about relationships and, when you’re almost 30, marriage as an institution. I’ve never been the kind that has dreamed of a wedding and children, so you’ll understand the slight apprehension. And then there’s the “I’ll never be with another person again” and I tell myself who are you fooling, there’s nobody lining up for you! Hehe. But it sure feels awesome around him, I’ll tell you that. Let’s see how it goes.

I can hear the thoughts in my head.

I’m constantly plagued by how unhealthy I am and putting on weight for reasons I can and cannot explain. The funny part is, I have solutions to both the situations but I think I’m just not taking it too seriously right now. The world is gymming, marathon-ing, yoga-ing and here I am scoffing at one 15 minute jog at Lokhandwala joggers park. Even the junk food doesn’t taste as great as it did, but do I stop? Women’s Health magazine gives me fancy headlines and then gives a rather difficult solution – one which involves not being completely sedentary. Oh well.

I can hear the thoughts in my head.

For now, I think I can do away with making friends or keeping everyone happy around me by keeping things inside of me. I feel I’m getting that little aggression back and it’s making me feel alive like I haven’t in years. I wake up every morning wanting to kick the world in its butt – in a vengeance sort of way, to prove a point, perhaps a different point each day. I think I’ve stopped making sense now.

And I think I’ll give this head a rest now. Ciao ciao! (Oh, how I miss Berlin!) 

Unsuccessfully deconstructing 'Cool' and other digressions

The other day I was having a discussion on websites with a colleague and I used the term "Hipster colors". I paused for a second to 1) applaud myself for coining a new phrase (not sure if it'll ever pick up) 2) question myself on what I really meant by 'Hipster colors'. After thinking for a nano-second, I came to the conclusion that, because I wanted cool/hip colors, I referred to Pastels as Hipsters. 

For a few years now I've had this major Cool complex. Where, on one hand, I feel I'm superior than a lot of people I meet, I constantly put unnecessary pressure on myself to become 'cooler'. I have this vague idea of what a cool person is, though if I ever tried to explain it to you, I'd either spectacularly fail or be at the risk of sounding like a snob. 

Only a few years ago, I was a loud mouth, belligerent, hopeful, rebel-wannabe who was also at times the life of the party, the "shining star" (I was called that once, I kid you not), the most adorable person around. I slowly feel that person fade away, for reasons I can't put my finger on. (age? appropriateness? professionalism?) I liked that girl, she was fierce and tons of fun. She fought for what she thought was in her best interest, still not stepping on other people's toes. That person didn't even care so much about acceptance by others. Now I'm agreeable, watch my words a lot more, bear very visible unfairness, bow out too soon...all in all, a very weak shadow of my old self. That "spark" seems to have left me, the joie de vivre that I always prided myself on. I see it in my brother, in some kids around me. So much hope, so much to look forward to, so much to live for, so much to prove. By becoming more accommodating, less selfish (?), seeing-things-from-other-people's-perspective might have made me more mature on the outside, but I constantly don't feel like myself. I don't like what I wear, my hair, what I look like. Sometimes I even hate the tone of my voice. I end my monologues abruptly myself, because I get tired of my own opinions! I feel like I've taken my own soul and caged it. I find everyone boring because I've become boring. I miss that weird talkative girl. Where's the wit, the silly humor? Gone with the wind it seems.

I'm so uninspired every single day of my life that I can't even make music anymore. I've become conservative and less adventurous in thought and action. Hell, it's taken me months to write a blog post. I know that person is still there somewhere inside, but I have no idea how to release it. I have so many excuses for not doing the things that I've always loved, there seems to have become this big concrete wall that I cannot bring down anymore. I've even stopped asking myself "For what purpose were you put on this earth?". Sometimes I wish to disappear in a circumstance that hurts no one. Where is that person who questioned everything? The one who knew the answer still hunted for a better question?

I digress. 

I'm confused. As I've grown and met more and more people, I hear all sorts of ideas of what a 'cool' person is. A person who drinks every night after work and socializes with the world. A person who started smoking at age 15, is hardcore into drugs now, and still manage to kick ass at work. A person who sleeps with a different person every night and is more emotionally disconnected with every new lay. (Man, I have a full blog post on that!) A person who listens to a certain kind of music - mostly niche and uncommercial - and turns up their nose at every one else. A secretive person who strikes when the iron is hot. Conniving, shrewd, sly, non-inclusive, fake. Paradoxes paradoxes! 

Then there are others who I'd rather idolize. The ones leaving their jobs to travel. The ones who risk everything, to do what they really love and work their asses off to make it happen. But increasingly, I feel like I'm capable of none of those above. It's so easy to make excuses, so difficult to put thought to real action. I'm so tired of being apologetic for who I am and who I've become. I was never the crazy, nutty one who threw caution to the wind but I was never the one who hoped to be anyone but myself.

Yes, I exaggerate. Yes, I'm cynical and overly critical. Yes, I have my own strong personal biases. Yes, I let it categorize things in black and white for me. What person doesn't? Didn't you judge me when I said I'd rather watch a movie alone at home every night of the month than go clubbing even once? You've drowned yourself in a potent mix of cocaine and alcohol, dancing in the middle of the bar, being loud and obnoxious and feel like the king of the world. Rave, rinse and repeat. You're not a bad person, I just pity you. I choose to not retaliate to your comments about how uncool I am. Because deep inside, I only wish you well and hope that your lifestyle doesn't take a toll on your health. I hope that it's not some deep-rooted mental problem that is driving you to this. This is really no way to unwind. But if I try to tell you that, I'd be criticised. I'm not your mother and I don't wish to be called one. Apparently, I'm not "living in the moment", can't let go of my inhibitions. And for those reasons alone sometimes I wish I was one of you. For all the fun and popularity. For all the people who'd recognize me in the streets and say Hi to me. For living a life where age is only physical. It's the easiest way to be cool. And yet, so difficult for me.

I'm the kind of person who saves their breath for people who matter, who add any value to my life. Sometimes I save my breath because I don't want to waste their time by interacting with me. I can't be the socialite who tries to kiss people's asses (I use the word 'ass' a lot, pardon monsieur) just to be in their good books. I've never wanted to be popular for people I don't care about, even if I 'should' care about them. I can't constantly publicize how awesome I am at everything. I'm easy to show boredom, indifference and even disinterest when need be. It's my natural way of rebellion. My way of not including them. But where's the choice? You're asking me fake everything I have ever been. Do you even know how exhausting it is?

I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with me. I've let you convince me that you're right, because guess who has stopped questioning everything! This person is not me. This person I believe I should be was never me. As a result, I've become distrustful of everyone I meet. Neither am I changing into this person that might take me places, nor am I getting back to who I was. Everyday is an escape in one form or the other. An opportunity to pass the days without accountability to myself, Going With The Motions as they say, to save myself the guilt.

That said, I have some ridiculously awesome people in my life that make me feel like my existence still has some meaning. They don't need to, but they still egg me on to be more courageous and help me realize nothing is as difficult as it seems. The last thing I want is to be a 40 year old with a whole list of What-Ifs, mental and physical problems that I might not be able to avert, an unfulfilling career to people around me I cannot love fully. These days I'm wishing to hit rock bottom only to compel myself to get up again!

But mostly I just want to love myself again. I don't even remember what that was like.

P.S: I'm not fishing for compliments here, nor do I intend to worry you. I wouldn't mind an advice though :)

The Thing About Dating or The Nothing-At-All aka Sex

This post has taken me two months on top of the two months that I wasn't sure if this post was even worth writing. The first two months were the first two months of me dating someone new and you never really know where it will go, so why run the risk of itching to delete a post? You understand my hesitation.

As a person who has in the past been in just one long term relationship (6 years to be precise), this (former) 5-year single person has learnt a lot and is still very confused about the dating thing. See, I approach relationships in a very high school way. You like the way a certain person looks, smiles, talks and bam! you want to be in a relationship with them. Most likely, you'll like them enough when you get to know them better. Conversely, if someone were to "propose" to me, I wouldn't really hang if I know chances are it's not gonna go anywhere. And once you're hooked, lined and sinkered, in either scenario, you do everything in your power to keep it together.

But when I was freshly back in the market, I realized the world around me had changed. One night stands were unapologetically all-pervasive. People were dating for a few weeks and parting ways. People were sleeping with one another and not developing any feelings for each other. Suddenly having regular sex with someone did not mean that you were dating, much less in a relationship. (And, oh, apparently Dating and Relationship are two very different things). Tell me this - you have sex with someone you're attracted to, right? So how is it that you wouldn't eventually want something more?

I did come to a conclusion - for better, for worse or for neutrality. Most of these "encounters" are a result of drunken stupors. Of desperation. Or convenience. Most of the times, a permutation-combination of the three. Initially you're a little embarrassed, with repeated incidents you become more accepting of your behavior and in the end, it's just another story to fuel yet another Saturday night gossip session with your friends. "Ha ha ha, he is adorable but he really had no clue what he was doing!", I said last June.

The way I seamlessly shifted attitudes from one para to the next, the same happened in real life as well. One day I wanted a relationship, the next it was only recreation. An excuse for distraction maybe. Sexual fulfilment surely. Way to raise self-esteem given weight gain? So many reasons to not fall in love.

You want to believe love is good and it exists but it's just not "cool enough". What will people say? They'll call you lame and just-like-everyone-else. Sleeping with older women, married men, famous people is really the way to go. Make a checklist of the people you need to sleep with. Count the number of people you've slept with. What are you if not infamous for being a Twitter playboy? What's your identity if not a respectable slut? There is so much peer pressure to be promiscuous, god forbid you should ask anyone if they wanted more than a Sex On The Beach with a side of sex. Let's keep this easy, hassle-free, baggage-less, shall we?

I'd judge such people but end up finding myself to be a mini prototype of the same. I realized I needed to stop being a hypocrite and ask myself what I really wanted. I can't be on the fence for all of eternity - want a relationship but fill my days with meaningless, orgasmless coitus. I'd been numb and furthermore, immune for way too long. "You get the love you think you deserve", they say. Could they be right?

There. I put my pride on the line and made it very clear to a certain person that a casual relationship is not what I wanted. And I was glad what I got in return was a respectful, direct rejection. I understood his stand, but moreover, I understood mine. Girlfriends told me to wait. My patience was running out, but what choice did I have?

I can't say that what I have now is not a result of alcohol, desperation, loneliness and convenience. But when I decided to make up my mind once and for all, I knew I had already crossed that bridge. This time I was the one being asked if I wanted something more. "Isn't that something girls generally ask?", I said, proving I wasn't quite the feminist I thought I was. And for the first two months I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. I had to let the walls be where they were till I knew I wasn't being played.

I guess it's still too soon to say whether this will last or not. Quite frankly, I don't even find myself pondering over it. It's easy, hassle-free, baggage-less and meaningful. Waking up to find a beautiful person softly snoring besides you is the real joy I missed in my single years. Take all my casual sexual encounters, add it up and it still won't amount to the happiness I feel with this man on any given day.

Whatever happens, I'd like to be spared this dating game. Take your nothingness and shove it.