P-p-p-poker face p-p-poker facebook

It's a fine lazy day. All you want to do is sit with your laptop and sink lower and lower in your bed. Maybe catch a few embarrassing episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm. You decide to check facebook before proceeding to laptop-tv viewing. You open your facebook page and see a notification. Ah! The pretty red thing. You are happy. Somebody thought of you. A world full of possibilities has just opened up! A friend might have tagged you in a picture where you look very hot. 10 people "like" your status, that you came up with after much deliberation. That cute new boy accepted your friend request and now facebook is encouraging you to "Write on his Wall"

You promptly click on it! But there it is, in your face!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH A "POKE"?

Listen, I have nothing against you, I just don't know what I'm expected to do. If you were a guy atleast my narcissistic self would think you want to make fraaaaanship with me and then some. Why do you want to Poke me? Do you even realize you have just destroyed my hopes and dreams of making babies with that cute boy? DO YOU!

You remember the time when we were new on facebook and wanted to do everything it offered? Write on walls, take all possible quizzes, update status twice a day, and Poke? Yeaaahhhh, I NEVER poked. At no point of time did I understand what it was for.

I hate touchy feely people. I can't stand it when people standing next to me put their elbow on my shoulder as if I'm some brick wall they're supporting their body against or when they randomly wrap their arm around mine. It feels exactly what it looks like - that tiny finger coming to get you! It's as much a physical intrusion as a real touch is. There needs to be a process wherein before you Poke it should send a notification for approval "This user wants to Poke you. Do you accept?" The thing is still sitting lying there as a constant source of irritation everytime I open my facebook, mocking me, Poking me.

Please excuse me, for Poking you back would go against the basic grain of my personality. It's like an elbow nudge when you're teasing someone when their crush is around or pinching them on their birthday. That is so middle school and I didn't even do it in middle school! I really like you but I won't Poke you back. It's kinda lame. Maybe I was too friendly with you the only time that we've met. It's just that I'm super awesome with strangers and I was also really...really drunk. So forgive me, I understand I might've infact come across as a fellow Poker/Pokemon.

Wasn't there a Pillow Throwing app on fb? See, now that's more like my style! :D

Double a crossed stick

Giant fliers spewed, they clasp
administered for impact media
uninteresting forgettable clutter
reaching eyes of fine suburbia
an attempt to destroy this drab
vain...!

I was just cleaning out my room a few days ago and found this scribbled on a small sheet of paper. This is from when I was thinking about you during a hopeless Market Research class in Feb/March '09. One of my favorites, it's like a personal joke I share with myself! Look very closely, the clue is in the title.

Another post for purging purposes. Don't expect any more...starting now.

You've been BLOCKED!

I’ll get straight to the point. Being blocked and blocking others from your social networking is not easy. Being blocked is pure humiliation. Blocking someone means you need to take great care that the process is rather inconspicuous.

There are various reasons why blocking is the biggest thing since the Metallica concert got canceled in Gurgaon:

a) I added you on chat/facebook purely out of courtesy and seeing you online makes me reach for the Invisible mode because I fear you might just ping me one of these days. As a result, the person I am crushing on can’t see me online either and won’t ping me. (I can’t ping him, that’s too desperate!)

b) You irritate the fuck out of me. You make the worst small talk and tell me how you’ve always had a huge crush on me/want me to forward your Resume to my company/updating me on your life when I clearly don’t care. Five minutes into the conversation I wish to tell you “Great! I get it! Please stop! I really need to get back to work. GOOD-FUCKING-BYE. You make me hate social networking!”

c) Your status updates are an eyesore. You check-in from every place imaginable. You boast about having met celebrities. You even have pictures to support the claim. You’re not trying to talk to me, you’re trying to get *me* to talk to *you*. Frankly my dear, I neither give a damn about what you ate for breakfast nor am I interested in questioning you about what went wrong when you post vague status updates like “If only…”. You might be a nice person who only requires some external validation but it ain’t comin’ from me, dawg. You hath been blocketh!

d) You are downright creepy. You like all my statuses, links, pictures I added, pictures I was tagged in. And the only time I spoke to you in my life was when you & I were in engineering college and I asked you why the library was shut that day. You redefine “disconcerting”

e) You are my parent and I couldn’t say No to your friend request ‘cause you kept pestering me to add you.

f) We had a massive fallout. We broke up/fought over something and now you want to prove a point. “You are not important enough anymore. Just seeing you online cramps my style. I’m afraid you’ll read into my status updates and think it’s about you. It’s not.”

g) We had a massive fallout and I can’t stand the fact that your status updates indicate no signs of major mindfucking upheavals, it only looks like you’ve resumed your daily routine without as much as an “FML” or lyrics from a heartbreakingly sentimental song which should obviously be directed towards me, and here I am posting article links to “Ways to get over an earth-shattering breakup”

You remember the time it took you three whole months to delete that guy from your facebook? You blocked on Gtalk that girl, who lead you on for months, and unblocked her back the same day, about 5 times a day? Your obsession got to a point where even *you* knew it was unhealthy. Your mouse pointer got tired of hovering over “Remove from friends” and told you one day to Just Do It! And with a click, your entire world came crashing down.

You (after having walked over to your friend’s room with tears rolling down your face): I deleted him from my facebook.
Friend: Who? Oh.
You: I don’t know what to live for anymore. I can’t see his wall! His smiling face in his pictures! His funny status messages! His current favorite song!
Friend: You’re a psycho.
You: *howling*
Friend: There there. The worst is over.

Limited profiles are the worsht only! Don’t add me if you’re afraid I’ll see something you don’t want me to see! I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOM. Why would you hide your friends list? You think I’d go to your “’In a relationship with "girlfriend name"’ and message her “Your bf drunk-texted me the lyrics to Sexy Bitch last night. Maybe you need to keep him on a tight leash”?

360 degree blockage (Gtalk/facebook/BBM/limited blog access/locked Twitter account etc) from somebody’s social networking is a real life equivalent of a restraining order. Congratulations! You have displayed enough psychotic behavior for being slapped on one. You can now go and boast it to your friends - You are officially a badass.