The Thing About Dating or The Nothing-At-All aka Sex

This post has taken me two months on top of the two months that I wasn't sure if this post was even worth writing. The first two months were the first two months of me dating someone new and you never really know where it will go, so why run the risk of itching to delete a post? You understand my hesitation.

As a person who has in the past been in just one long term relationship (6 years to be precise), this (former) 5-year single person has learnt a lot and is still very confused about the dating thing. See, I approach relationships in a very high school way. You like the way a certain person looks, smiles, talks and bam! you want to be in a relationship with them. Most likely, you'll like them enough when you get to know them better. Conversely, if someone were to "propose" to me, I wouldn't really hang if I know chances are it's not gonna go anywhere. And once you're hooked, lined and sinkered, in either scenario, you do everything in your power to keep it together.

But when I was freshly back in the market, I realized the world around me had changed. One night stands were unapologetically all-pervasive. People were dating for a few weeks and parting ways. People were sleeping with one another and not developing any feelings for each other. Suddenly having regular sex with someone did not mean that you were dating, much less in a relationship. (And, oh, apparently Dating and Relationship are two very different things). Tell me this - you have sex with someone you're attracted to, right? So how is it that you wouldn't eventually want something more?

I did come to a conclusion - for better, for worse or for neutrality. Most of these "encounters" are a result of drunken stupors. Of desperation. Or convenience. Most of the times, a permutation-combination of the three. Initially you're a little embarrassed, with repeated incidents you become more accepting of your behavior and in the end, it's just another story to fuel yet another Saturday night gossip session with your friends. "Ha ha ha, he is adorable but he really had no clue what he was doing!", I said last June.

The way I seamlessly shifted attitudes from one para to the next, the same happened in real life as well. One day I wanted a relationship, the next it was only recreation. An excuse for distraction maybe. Sexual fulfilment surely. Way to raise self-esteem given weight gain? So many reasons to not fall in love.

You want to believe love is good and it exists but it's just not "cool enough". What will people say? They'll call you lame and just-like-everyone-else. Sleeping with older women, married men, famous people is really the way to go. Make a checklist of the people you need to sleep with. Count the number of people you've slept with. What are you if not infamous for being a Twitter playboy? What's your identity if not a respectable slut? There is so much peer pressure to be promiscuous, god forbid you should ask anyone if they wanted more than a Sex On The Beach with a side of sex. Let's keep this easy, hassle-free, baggage-less, shall we?

I'd judge such people but end up finding myself to be a mini prototype of the same. I realized I needed to stop being a hypocrite and ask myself what I really wanted. I can't be on the fence for all of eternity - want a relationship but fill my days with meaningless, orgasmless coitus. I'd been numb and furthermore, immune for way too long. "You get the love you think you deserve", they say. Could they be right?

There. I put my pride on the line and made it very clear to a certain person that a casual relationship is not what I wanted. And I was glad what I got in return was a respectful, direct rejection. I understood his stand, but moreover, I understood mine. Girlfriends told me to wait. My patience was running out, but what choice did I have?

I can't say that what I have now is not a result of alcohol, desperation, loneliness and convenience. But when I decided to make up my mind once and for all, I knew I had already crossed that bridge. This time I was the one being asked if I wanted something more. "Isn't that something girls generally ask?", I said, proving I wasn't quite the feminist I thought I was. And for the first two months I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. I had to let the walls be where they were till I knew I wasn't being played.

I guess it's still too soon to say whether this will last or not. Quite frankly, I don't even find myself pondering over it. It's easy, hassle-free, baggage-less and meaningful. Waking up to find a beautiful person softly snoring besides you is the real joy I missed in my single years. Take all my casual sexual encounters, add it up and it still won't amount to the happiness I feel with this man on any given day.

Whatever happens, I'd like to be spared this dating game. Take your nothingness and shove it.

Casper the happy ghost

I turn 29 next month.

I said that out loud to myself just a few minutes ago while staring at the ceiling. Why did I do that? What significance does it have? Was it my way of telling myself that hey, do you even know what it means to be 29? Moreover, why can’t I believe it?

Oft I think about the time when I was 13-15. I narrate incidents from then as if they just happened, a few weeks ago. Fresh as they are in my memory, should really they be? Am I living too much in the past?

There’s nothing quite like meeting new people and them being your mirror; the one you don’t wish to take seriously but the one you can’t really deny. Somehow, there are things that are so glaring to them but you haven’t even noticed in your daily rigmarole or perhaps understood how much it has seeped in your system. There have been two such people in my life lately, the first being B and second Soozee.

What these two have in common is immense patience, patience to handle me particularly. (Do you even know how much I talk and in what tangents?!). I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that they’ve figured me out way too soon or that they’ve made me aware of my problems and now I must make amends.

A few years ago (see, I referred to my past again), a guy I was dating told me that I plan too far ahead, that I should try to live in the present. Now I’m seeing someone who tells me that I live too much in the past and is surprised by how clueless I am about my future. Clearly I’m doing the “living in the moment” wrong! I guess I would’ve been ok with all these comments if I were, say, 26. But it’s the being 29 thing that bothers me.

Am I really holding myself back from thinking ahead because of being caged in my past? Am I really living a “delayed adolescence” as B likes to point out? (Do I think too much? Do I ask too many questions? Is that really wrong?) What if I am really unsure? I’m not making an effort in music as much I should’ve been. I love my job but I’m not sure if I see myself doing that for all of eternity. I don’t even know what’s the next step if I were to continue in the same direction.

Is this what you call “being at crossroads in life”? I guess I’d have to really sit down with myself and jot down the things I’d like to do. If I am ambitious at all, and if so where should my energies go. If I ever want to get married or should ever have children. It’s funny that I genuinely cannot see more than a week ahead. A one off dream such as “I’d like to buy a house one day” or “I’d wanna compose music for the biggies in this country” seem aimless and lofty, moreso because what the fuck am I doing about it.

Everyone is moving on. I feel like I’m stuck at one place, jogging hard but not shifting from my place (and not losing weight!). Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m not even sure if I want to see myself in my 30s or 40s. What’s the point really? I’ll earn, I’ll eat, I’ll feel insecure about my body. I’ll love, I’ll get hurt and feel like I would’ve been happier if I had more money. Maybe one day I’ll stop stalking my exes online to remind myself that I’m still indifferent, yet talking about them all the time. Even if I don’t, how will that make me any more happy than all the wretched people who quite likely have more problems than I do.

The funny thing is, I’m quite happy right now! I have very little to complain about. I enjoy everything around me. People, work, the city, my house. I made amends with a few people and reconciled with a few situations the last few months, after having spoken to B. But what do you see that I can’t? In the absence of clarity about the future, isn’t the past what you naturally turn towards? Isn’t that supposed to make your future? If I AM happy right now, is my past really hampering anything at all? I seem to just laugh about it all. Is there pain hidden somewhere? Are all ghosts evil?

Happy New Year J

Pipes

I've cut the pipes
and now we shall never speak again

I cut the pipes in carefully deliberated haste
some, like you, might say it was done in bad taste
but a girl's gotta do
what a desperate girl's gotta do
you should see her fledgling pride debut
(Self-defense mechanism for the win!)

It's a pattern with me, my dear!
you were further than it appeared
Sorry it took this long to kill the channel
memories of you took a little extra time to dismantle
Denial's a funny thing, as it turns out
realization of existing information
takes its own sweet time to sprout

Once, long ago, I tried to keep the conduit open
Thought I could fix what was broken
But no repair was needed, I only fooled myself
And he reduced me to a few pages
in his memoir that gathers dust on his bookshelf
Then I had to go and do it all over again!
Once bitten, twice died, and thrice would've been a shame

Hmm, I've cut the pipes
and now I'm out of oxygen

I've cut the pipes
not sure you even noticed