Unsuccessfully deconstructing 'Cool' and other digressions

The other day I was having a discussion on websites with a colleague and I used the term "Hipster colors". I paused for a second to 1) applaud myself for coining a new phrase (not sure if it'll ever pick up) 2) question myself on what I really meant by 'Hipster colors'. After thinking for a nano-second, I came to the conclusion that, because I wanted cool/hip colors, I referred to Pastels as Hipsters. 

For a few years now I've had this major Cool complex. Where, on one hand, I feel I'm superior than a lot of people I meet, I constantly put unnecessary pressure on myself to become 'cooler'. I have this vague idea of what a cool person is, though if I ever tried to explain it to you, I'd either spectacularly fail or be at the risk of sounding like a snob. 

Only a few years ago, I was a loud mouth, belligerent, hopeful, rebel-wannabe who was also at times the life of the party, the "shining star" (I was called that once, I kid you not), the most adorable person around. I slowly feel that person fade away, for reasons I can't put my finger on. (age? appropriateness? professionalism?) I liked that girl, she was fierce and tons of fun. She fought for what she thought was in her best interest, still not stepping on other people's toes. That person didn't even care so much about acceptance by others. Now I'm agreeable, watch my words a lot more, bear very visible unfairness, bow out too soon...all in all, a very weak shadow of my old self. That "spark" seems to have left me, the joie de vivre that I always prided myself on. I see it in my brother, in some kids around me. So much hope, so much to look forward to, so much to live for, so much to prove. By becoming more accommodating, less selfish (?), seeing-things-from-other-people's-perspective might have made me more mature on the outside, but I constantly don't feel like myself. I don't like what I wear, my hair, what I look like. Sometimes I even hate the tone of my voice. I end my monologues abruptly myself, because I get tired of my own opinions! I feel like I've taken my own soul and caged it. I find everyone boring because I've become boring. I miss that weird talkative girl. Where's the wit, the silly humor? Gone with the wind it seems.

I'm so uninspired every single day of my life that I can't even make music anymore. I've become conservative and less adventurous in thought and action. Hell, it's taken me months to write a blog post. I know that person is still there somewhere inside, but I have no idea how to release it. I have so many excuses for not doing the things that I've always loved, there seems to have become this big concrete wall that I cannot bring down anymore. I've even stopped asking myself "For what purpose were you put on this earth?". Sometimes I wish to disappear in a circumstance that hurts no one. Where is that person who questioned everything? The one who knew the answer still hunted for a better question?

I digress. 

I'm confused. As I've grown and met more and more people, I hear all sorts of ideas of what a 'cool' person is. A person who drinks every night after work and socializes with the world. A person who started smoking at age 15, is hardcore into drugs now, and still manage to kick ass at work. A person who sleeps with a different person every night and is more emotionally disconnected with every new lay. (Man, I have a full blog post on that!) A person who listens to a certain kind of music - mostly niche and uncommercial - and turns up their nose at every one else. A secretive person who strikes when the iron is hot. Conniving, shrewd, sly, non-inclusive, fake. Paradoxes paradoxes! 

Then there are others who I'd rather idolize. The ones leaving their jobs to travel. The ones who risk everything, to do what they really love and work their asses off to make it happen. But increasingly, I feel like I'm capable of none of those above. It's so easy to make excuses, so difficult to put thought to real action. I'm so tired of being apologetic for who I am and who I've become. I was never the crazy, nutty one who threw caution to the wind but I was never the one who hoped to be anyone but myself.

Yes, I exaggerate. Yes, I'm cynical and overly critical. Yes, I have my own strong personal biases. Yes, I let it categorize things in black and white for me. What person doesn't? Didn't you judge me when I said I'd rather watch a movie alone at home every night of the month than go clubbing even once? You've drowned yourself in a potent mix of cocaine and alcohol, dancing in the middle of the bar, being loud and obnoxious and feel like the king of the world. Rave, rinse and repeat. You're not a bad person, I just pity you. I choose to not retaliate to your comments about how uncool I am. Because deep inside, I only wish you well and hope that your lifestyle doesn't take a toll on your health. I hope that it's not some deep-rooted mental problem that is driving you to this. This is really no way to unwind. But if I try to tell you that, I'd be criticised. I'm not your mother and I don't wish to be called one. Apparently, I'm not "living in the moment", can't let go of my inhibitions. And for those reasons alone sometimes I wish I was one of you. For all the fun and popularity. For all the people who'd recognize me in the streets and say Hi to me. For living a life where age is only physical. It's the easiest way to be cool. And yet, so difficult for me.

I'm the kind of person who saves their breath for people who matter, who add any value to my life. Sometimes I save my breath because I don't want to waste their time by interacting with me. I can't be the socialite who tries to kiss people's asses (I use the word 'ass' a lot, pardon monsieur) just to be in their good books. I've never wanted to be popular for people I don't care about, even if I 'should' care about them. I can't constantly publicize how awesome I am at everything. I'm easy to show boredom, indifference and even disinterest when need be. It's my natural way of rebellion. My way of not including them. But where's the choice? You're asking me fake everything I have ever been. Do you even know how exhausting it is?

I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with me. I've let you convince me that you're right, because guess who has stopped questioning everything! This person is not me. This person I believe I should be was never me. As a result, I've become distrustful of everyone I meet. Neither am I changing into this person that might take me places, nor am I getting back to who I was. Everyday is an escape in one form or the other. An opportunity to pass the days without accountability to myself, Going With The Motions as they say, to save myself the guilt.

That said, I have some ridiculously awesome people in my life that make me feel like my existence still has some meaning. They don't need to, but they still egg me on to be more courageous and help me realize nothing is as difficult as it seems. The last thing I want is to be a 40 year old with a whole list of What-Ifs, mental and physical problems that I might not be able to avert, an unfulfilling career to people around me I cannot love fully. These days I'm wishing to hit rock bottom only to compel myself to get up again!

But mostly I just want to love myself again. I don't even remember what that was like.

P.S: I'm not fishing for compliments here, nor do I intend to worry you. I wouldn't mind an advice though :)

The Thing About Dating or The Nothing-At-All aka Sex

This post has taken me two months on top of the two months that I wasn't sure if this post was even worth writing. The first two months were the first two months of me dating someone new and you never really know where it will go, so why run the risk of itching to delete a post? You understand my hesitation.

As a person who has in the past been in just one long term relationship (6 years to be precise), this (former) 5-year single person has learnt a lot and is still very confused about the dating thing. See, I approach relationships in a very high school way. You like the way a certain person looks, smiles, talks and bam! you want to be in a relationship with them. Most likely, you'll like them enough when you get to know them better. Conversely, if someone were to "propose" to me, I wouldn't really hang if I know chances are it's not gonna go anywhere. And once you're hooked, lined and sinkered, in either scenario, you do everything in your power to keep it together.

But when I was freshly back in the market, I realized the world around me had changed. One night stands were unapologetically all-pervasive. People were dating for a few weeks and parting ways. People were sleeping with one another and not developing any feelings for each other. Suddenly having regular sex with someone did not mean that you were dating, much less in a relationship. (And, oh, apparently Dating and Relationship are two very different things). Tell me this - you have sex with someone you're attracted to, right? So how is it that you wouldn't eventually want something more?

I did come to a conclusion - for better, for worse or for neutrality. Most of these "encounters" are a result of drunken stupors. Of desperation. Or convenience. Most of the times, a permutation-combination of the three. Initially you're a little embarrassed, with repeated incidents you become more accepting of your behavior and in the end, it's just another story to fuel yet another Saturday night gossip session with your friends. "Ha ha ha, he is adorable but he really had no clue what he was doing!", I said last June.

The way I seamlessly shifted attitudes from one para to the next, the same happened in real life as well. One day I wanted a relationship, the next it was only recreation. An excuse for distraction maybe. Sexual fulfilment surely. Way to raise self-esteem given weight gain? So many reasons to not fall in love.

You want to believe love is good and it exists but it's just not "cool enough". What will people say? They'll call you lame and just-like-everyone-else. Sleeping with older women, married men, famous people is really the way to go. Make a checklist of the people you need to sleep with. Count the number of people you've slept with. What are you if not infamous for being a Twitter playboy? What's your identity if not a respectable slut? There is so much peer pressure to be promiscuous, god forbid you should ask anyone if they wanted more than a Sex On The Beach with a side of sex. Let's keep this easy, hassle-free, baggage-less, shall we?

I'd judge such people but end up finding myself to be a mini prototype of the same. I realized I needed to stop being a hypocrite and ask myself what I really wanted. I can't be on the fence for all of eternity - want a relationship but fill my days with meaningless, orgasmless coitus. I'd been numb and furthermore, immune for way too long. "You get the love you think you deserve", they say. Could they be right?

There. I put my pride on the line and made it very clear to a certain person that a casual relationship is not what I wanted. And I was glad what I got in return was a respectful, direct rejection. I understood his stand, but moreover, I understood mine. Girlfriends told me to wait. My patience was running out, but what choice did I have?

I can't say that what I have now is not a result of alcohol, desperation, loneliness and convenience. But when I decided to make up my mind once and for all, I knew I had already crossed that bridge. This time I was the one being asked if I wanted something more. "Isn't that something girls generally ask?", I said, proving I wasn't quite the feminist I thought I was. And for the first two months I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. I had to let the walls be where they were till I knew I wasn't being played.

I guess it's still too soon to say whether this will last or not. Quite frankly, I don't even find myself pondering over it. It's easy, hassle-free, baggage-less and meaningful. Waking up to find a beautiful person softly snoring besides you is the real joy I missed in my single years. Take all my casual sexual encounters, add it up and it still won't amount to the happiness I feel with this man on any given day.

Whatever happens, I'd like to be spared this dating game. Take your nothingness and shove it.

Casper the happy ghost

I turn 29 next month.

I said that out loud to myself just a few minutes ago while staring at the ceiling. Why did I do that? What significance does it have? Was it my way of telling myself that hey, do you even know what it means to be 29? Moreover, why can’t I believe it?

Oft I think about the time when I was 13-15. I narrate incidents from then as if they just happened, a few weeks ago. Fresh as they are in my memory, should really they be? Am I living too much in the past?

There’s nothing quite like meeting new people and them being your mirror; the one you don’t wish to take seriously but the one you can’t really deny. Somehow, there are things that are so glaring to them but you haven’t even noticed in your daily rigmarole or perhaps understood how much it has seeped in your system. There have been two such people in my life lately, the first being B and second Soozee.

What these two have in common is immense patience, patience to handle me particularly. (Do you even know how much I talk and in what tangents?!). I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that they’ve figured me out way too soon or that they’ve made me aware of my problems and now I must make amends.

A few years ago (see, I referred to my past again), a guy I was dating told me that I plan too far ahead, that I should try to live in the present. Now I’m seeing someone who tells me that I live too much in the past and is surprised by how clueless I am about my future. Clearly I’m doing the “living in the moment” wrong! I guess I would’ve been ok with all these comments if I were, say, 26. But it’s the being 29 thing that bothers me.

Am I really holding myself back from thinking ahead because of being caged in my past? Am I really living a “delayed adolescence” as B likes to point out? (Do I think too much? Do I ask too many questions? Is that really wrong?) What if I am really unsure? I’m not making an effort in music as much I should’ve been. I love my job but I’m not sure if I see myself doing that for all of eternity. I don’t even know what’s the next step if I were to continue in the same direction.

Is this what you call “being at crossroads in life”? I guess I’d have to really sit down with myself and jot down the things I’d like to do. If I am ambitious at all, and if so where should my energies go. If I ever want to get married or should ever have children. It’s funny that I genuinely cannot see more than a week ahead. A one off dream such as “I’d like to buy a house one day” or “I’d wanna compose music for the biggies in this country” seem aimless and lofty, moreso because what the fuck am I doing about it.

Everyone is moving on. I feel like I’m stuck at one place, jogging hard but not shifting from my place (and not losing weight!). Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m not even sure if I want to see myself in my 30s or 40s. What’s the point really? I’ll earn, I’ll eat, I’ll feel insecure about my body. I’ll love, I’ll get hurt and feel like I would’ve been happier if I had more money. Maybe one day I’ll stop stalking my exes online to remind myself that I’m still indifferent, yet talking about them all the time. Even if I don’t, how will that make me any more happy than all the wretched people who quite likely have more problems than I do.

The funny thing is, I’m quite happy right now! I have very little to complain about. I enjoy everything around me. People, work, the city, my house. I made amends with a few people and reconciled with a few situations the last few months, after having spoken to B. But what do you see that I can’t? In the absence of clarity about the future, isn’t the past what you naturally turn towards? Isn’t that supposed to make your future? If I AM happy right now, is my past really hampering anything at all? I seem to just laugh about it all. Is there pain hidden somewhere? Are all ghosts evil?

Happy New Year J