You know how we worry over simple things every single day? Will my housemaid come today? Goddamn, my appraisal is near! My laptop isn't working (The sky is falling!)
But there are certain fears which are more real than others. You may not think of them every day but they're there...hiding somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind. The worst part is they're not really fixable...as a friend liked to say "There are certain things outside your locus of control. You can't do anything about it."
Here are three of my external loci fears.
Number Three
Giving birth to a physically/mentally handicapped child
I'm as close to giving birth as Siberia is to Miami. But over the years whenever I see handicapped people, I can't help but fear for the life of my unborn child. It's not that I worry about how difficult it would be to raise him/her but I fear for them. They will not lead a normal life...laugh, jump, play, study like a normal kid. His entire life would be a series of struggles. Bullying, isolation, discrimination. Who wants that for their child?
I had a friend when I was 10. She must be like 5 or 6 years old that time. Cutest little girl but deaf and dumb. Nobody really wanted to hang out with her but I just couldn't say no when her parents urged. So every evening I was stuck with her while my friends ran around and played. In the beginning I was like blehhh...but then I grew to like her a lot. She went to her "special school" and I could see she was very sharp (I played number games with her. I'd point to a number and she'd count it on her fingers) But sometimes we'd both get very frustrated 'cause we couldn't understand what the other person was trying to say. It was exhausting for the both of us. That was my one hour in a day. It was her and her parents' entire life.
Anyway, do you know there are very few ways one can get a legal abortion in this country, one of them being detection of any physical or mental handicap detected during the pregnancy? Food for thought.
Number Two
Death of a family member or a close friend (or even yourself)
I know for a fact a lot of people sometimes imagine how they'd react if a person close to them passed away. It's a sick sick thing to do but you can't help your mind from drifting, can you? I don't know why we do it. Maybe just to feel an ounce of emotion when you feel you've gotten cold. Or to surprise yourself by your level of anxiety when you imagine a person in particular.
There was a death in my family back in 2007. We were all prepared for it a couple of days in advance so I guess we were rather calm. But when it happens and you find yourself hysterical and trying to hold yourself together at the same time, you start having an out of body experience. Like it's not really happening, like it's just one of them sick dreams, you kneeling in front of a blue body of an 11 year old boy, people all around you wailing like they're reciting a monotonous and never ending requiem in a language you can't understand. Somebody will come out from behind the curtains and say "Smile! It's candid camera!" And then you feel guilty 'cause you feel you didn't cry as much or when there are days you forget it ever happened. I'll stop, let me not make this more morbid :)
Number One
Losing my voice
This is very two pronged. By losing my voice I mean two things - not being able to express myself due to oppression or losing my singing voice due to a physical handicap.
I'm not the most intelligent person in the world. Hell, not even close. But I do believe every voice is important. Informed, uninformed. Rich person's or poor person's. And though society tries to tell us otherwise and I can't lie, sometimes I get swayed by it too, don't let anyone tell you you can't say what you want, unless it's the government and you'd get arrested. Hehe, no, that Kapil Sibal needs to be put in his place.
Losing my singing voice...sigh. Only imagining it kills me. So I don't. All I'll say is...incase that ever happens to me, please admit me to an institution so I wouldn't do any further harm to myself :P
Whenever I get any morbid thoughts, I think of that book The Secret. If you think positive things, positive stuff will happen. Conversely, negative thoughts only bring about doom. Though sometimes we need them, if only to remind ourselves how truly blessed we are that I'm able to write this and you're able to read this.
But there are certain fears which are more real than others. You may not think of them every day but they're there...hiding somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind. The worst part is they're not really fixable...as a friend liked to say "There are certain things outside your locus of control. You can't do anything about it."
Here are three of my external loci fears.
Number Three
Giving birth to a physically/mentally handicapped child
I'm as close to giving birth as Siberia is to Miami. But over the years whenever I see handicapped people, I can't help but fear for the life of my unborn child. It's not that I worry about how difficult it would be to raise him/her but I fear for them. They will not lead a normal life...laugh, jump, play, study like a normal kid. His entire life would be a series of struggles. Bullying, isolation, discrimination. Who wants that for their child?
I had a friend when I was 10. She must be like 5 or 6 years old that time. Cutest little girl but deaf and dumb. Nobody really wanted to hang out with her but I just couldn't say no when her parents urged. So every evening I was stuck with her while my friends ran around and played. In the beginning I was like blehhh...but then I grew to like her a lot. She went to her "special school" and I could see she was very sharp (I played number games with her. I'd point to a number and she'd count it on her fingers) But sometimes we'd both get very frustrated 'cause we couldn't understand what the other person was trying to say. It was exhausting for the both of us. That was my one hour in a day. It was her and her parents' entire life.
Anyway, do you know there are very few ways one can get a legal abortion in this country, one of them being detection of any physical or mental handicap detected during the pregnancy? Food for thought.
Number Two
Death of a family member or a close friend (or even yourself)
I know for a fact a lot of people sometimes imagine how they'd react if a person close to them passed away. It's a sick sick thing to do but you can't help your mind from drifting, can you? I don't know why we do it. Maybe just to feel an ounce of emotion when you feel you've gotten cold. Or to surprise yourself by your level of anxiety when you imagine a person in particular.
There was a death in my family back in 2007. We were all prepared for it a couple of days in advance so I guess we were rather calm. But when it happens and you find yourself hysterical and trying to hold yourself together at the same time, you start having an out of body experience. Like it's not really happening, like it's just one of them sick dreams, you kneeling in front of a blue body of an 11 year old boy, people all around you wailing like they're reciting a monotonous and never ending requiem in a language you can't understand. Somebody will come out from behind the curtains and say "Smile! It's candid camera!" And then you feel guilty 'cause you feel you didn't cry as much or when there are days you forget it ever happened. I'll stop, let me not make this more morbid :)
Number One
Losing my voice
This is very two pronged. By losing my voice I mean two things - not being able to express myself due to oppression or losing my singing voice due to a physical handicap.
I'm not the most intelligent person in the world. Hell, not even close. But I do believe every voice is important. Informed, uninformed. Rich person's or poor person's. And though society tries to tell us otherwise and I can't lie, sometimes I get swayed by it too, don't let anyone tell you you can't say what you want, unless it's the government and you'd get arrested. Hehe, no, that Kapil Sibal needs to be put in his place.
Losing my singing voice...sigh. Only imagining it kills me. So I don't. All I'll say is...incase that ever happens to me, please admit me to an institution so I wouldn't do any further harm to myself :P
Whenever I get any morbid thoughts, I think of that book The Secret. If you think positive things, positive stuff will happen. Conversely, negative thoughts only bring about doom. Though sometimes we need them, if only to remind ourselves how truly blessed we are that I'm able to write this and you're able to read this.
4 comments:
hmmm i guess i can say you aren't alone in your fears... though i am not really in love with my voice - i do love to talk! the other fears - very realistic!
We all have fears and I too have some of my own
I have lived through 2 of these 3 that you have given, my cute nephew is deaf and dumb (first time i saw him with hearing aid I could not sleep for nights) and I lost my father at young age
Yea, in a way we do need them but only till a certain limit. Everyone has fears ..some of which you can't conquer but that's okay.
I would want to lose my voice for a day actually :P
Anu - I know what you mean! Sometimes I talk too much and it gets me into trouble :P
Pesto Sauce - Well, all we can do is get through them the best way we can. Shit happened in my family again a couple of days ago. Anyway after the first couple of times you're just not surprised anymore.
@Whuaat? - That's life. What's happiness without a little sadness? :)
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