Why Marriage scares the shit out of me

I've been a very vehement opposer of marriages or scared of it, whatever you wish to call it. Not that I try and convince people from taking the plunge. Sometimes I genuinely feel happy for some who do, because one can just see them married, like this cousin of mine. I just feel a lot of people get into it for the wrong reasons or under desperate conditions. It's as if all they're looking for is a wedding and a honeymoon, not the marriage. As a person who can't imagine being with the same person all my life without being completely and utterly mad about him every single day for the next 50 years, the thought of a lifetime of loneliness doesn't scare me as much as being chained to a loveless relationship. And if you're left with one kid on the waist and the other holding your hand, and you're kicked to the curb with no income 'cause you left your job to bring up your kids in a justifiable way, I'm sorry woman, you are kinda screwed.

Marriages are hard on women. It's no assumption or a feminist theory that it requires more strength from the woman than the man. I'm not a feminist myself so don't get me wrong. There are women out there who think marriage is going to solve all their problems - parental restrictions, a legal license to have sex (for whosoever who waits till their wedding night these days) and in a way it makes sense. What people refuse to see is that it's not all a bed of roses. For every time you could talk back to your parents for a violated deadline, you need to abide by the rules of your new household (I, by default, assume all in-laws are out to get you. Grrr!) Where your sex life might be exciting in the first 2-3 years, it's bound to get dry and you still have about 45 years of your life, ticking away very slowly while you pack lunch for your husband and child. You can't take that 9PM con-call 'cause you need to get back home to your crying infant, while all the others in office say "She's got such a cool excuse to leave the office early. Why not just quit and take care of her household? Let her be good at something."

Now you'll say, oh Atrisa, you're such an optimist! Hehe. I can't, I just can't see myself meeting the mamas and the chachas and their children and their children's children and remember all their names, present yourself as the perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect daughter-in-law while being the man at the office, rising up the ranks, not just for yourself but also 'cause you want to set an example for everybody who knows you. And your husband changes cities and poof! there goes all your hard work. Let's shift base, let's move to another city, let's find another job, let's start from the bottom. Marriage is all about compromise, yes. How many men do you know who shifted cities/countries because his wife got a better job in another city? I know one. How many women do you know? Hundreds and counting.

How long must we be servile? They say it's all for love, when you're in love you'll do anything. I agree, I'd do the same. I'd shift cities in a heartbeat if a guy asked me to. How is it that a guy never offers to do the same? Why, when we hear that a girl is marrying some guy in the US, we automatically assume she'd have to leave her job and join him there? I would feel so sad for all the times I cried at 2am because I did poorly in some Mock CATs and somehow managed to get through my dream B-school, survived the placement process and it all has to culminate to me leaving my job to take care of my family. The daily trials and tribulations at workplace which made you a stronger, more responsible person, the kind who got a pat on the back at the yearly appraisal...you had a skip in your step on your way back home and told your parents all about it, all just because a few years ago you didn't know where you'd go from your terrible IT job.

Don't get me started on pregnancy. Some women choose to take a sabbatical to see their kid grow only to be asked a year later at a job interview if they "remember anything you did before" But they'll do it. They'll swallow their pride, be honest, get back to work, kick some friggin ass, miss their kid all day, get back home, cook for everyone, be a good lay for the husband and wake up again the next morning at 5. The woman has become a haggard. The husband is bored. She hasn't lost her pregnancy fat, looks like an aunty, and he needs some excitement. He thinks it's ok to have some fun on the side, as long as he doesn't leave his wife.

Sometimes I wonder if my cynicism has been painted on by movies or some real life stories which might just be exceptions but I have been scared of marriage for as long as I can remember. The issue never gained so much importance in my life 'cause I was (am?) young but the whole "marriageable age" thing is making me pee in my pants.

You know what pisses me off the most? Guys assuming that a girl my age would want to get married right away. That any relationship started is for the purpose of marriage. What is wrong with just keeping a boyfriend? OK I admit, we're not at the age where we're like "Yeah, we're just dating casually, let's see where it goes" and yes, I would want to be in a romantic relationship than finding a flurry of one night stands that do nothing for you physically and makes you feel like a slut emotionally, but can't you see the massive difference between a relationship and marriage? What are you blind? Just because I want to have a long telephonic conversation at the end of the day talking about a bad day at work or sharing my hopes and dreams, why is it that my only option at this age is to get married? I'm not ready for responsibility, I'm not ready to make the guy's parents my own, I'm not ready to have a new life growing inside me. If you are, good on you. Do you know how many times I have wanted to be "normal"? Have a husband, tag along with him to all his parties like a trophy, have little identity of my own, crush my dreams to make way for everybody else's or not have any to begin with (OK, I exaggerate) You'll call me weird, selfish, uncooperative, a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad human being, an uncouth woman who spits on everything a woman stands for, a bad apple. Do you know how exhausting it is to explain it first to your own family and now to your own peer group because "it's the right time to get married"? And the more people talk about it, the more you feel you should just give in because god knows you'll be 40 with a stellar career but nobody to share your happiness with. A brand new car with nobody in the front passenger seat.

To tell the truth, I don't really hate the concept of marriage. My dad must be right - there is a reason why people all over the world get married...western society included, given their "progressive thinking" I'm just trying to understand how, magically, people want to dive into this just as you're about to turn 26. Why can't you be ready for it when you're 33? My mom says "Who will marry you when you'd look so old?" Mom, I'll be marrying an "old" guy too no? Who cares for fresh faced wedding pictures on facebook? I might not be as energetic, running around with my kid at 35 as I could've been at 25, but if he'd be loved more at 35 than 25, I don't see how the kid would not have a better life.

So don't look at me with pity when I tell you I'm single, with marriage not even on the distant horizon. Atleast hook me up. Do that. Make me your charity case! :)