It's 3 o'clock, and we ask ourselves, "Where are we now?" It seems we've wandered out of bounds again!

Damn. It always has to get to a point where to get better in life you need someone or something to make you feel absolutely, downtrodden-ly terrible, like so so bad that your entire perception about yourself changes, and in my world and head that is one fucking outrageously dreadful, freaky and scary and violating thing. Sometimes it’s really in your head. Sometimes there are jerks around you who make you feel that way even though they tell you how important you are to them. Sometimes people are just mean and like to see you get hurt like it’s some kind of stupid game. And they make you feel cheap and unwanted and inadequate. That’s why I have decided that being anti-social is the safest way to be. Anti-social as in just cooping up (I don’t do nasty until really required. On occasions I have been applauded for my anger speeches, I am not even lying). Or just stop reacting after a point of time. Or stop listening. Or a friend, on giving you exciting news about herself, sees a blank expression on your face, you feel terrible ‘cause it’s not her fault that she’s so damn affectionate by nature and you secretly wish you were so comfortable with your feelings and that you could really do with some lovin’ at this point of time, that you have to muster up all the courage in the world to say Wow! So happy for you! But, it’s deadpan. That’s right. Not a muscle in the face moves. Sweetie, I wish I could get as excited as you about your boyfriend but I think he's one of those sweet talking jerks who would screw you over anyway. I know this from experience. You go along with their plan 'cause they make you feel good and shyte and then they wash their hands clean off you so cleverly that they make themselves look like angels and you fools who tripped because of your own intent. I tried to warn you. You are too blind but I understand. And thus, I hope you never read this post. But I know you will forgive me. And I hope it doesn't make me more anti-social. And lame 'cause I am literally putting my entire life on this stupid shit piece of url. But I can't help it. I'm angry. Especially 'cause the added pressure of going to Goa and Mumbai with extremely hot, sexy and rich girls is making me nervous and that 1 hour of intense gymming yesterday has given me unbelievable cramps. And I just took FGD's on Axe deo spray and realized it's not perceived to be a cool brand at all. I cannot fucking believe it. I have to be a part of creating deceptive advertising or marketing hysteria around absolute crap of TV shows a few months from now. Yikes. On top of that my friend doesn't agree with the fact that most girls dumb down in front of guys to make themselves look attractive and less intimidating. I got it verified from atleast 4 more girls. He wouldn't listen. He just wouldn't.

I just read a 17 year old girl’s blog. Oh my fucking God, she was absolute brilliance. I mean I have been writing since I was 3 but why wasn’t I ever thinking and writing? And that makes me feel terrible. I have this absolutely irritating habit that every time I see someone do something well, I NEED to do it. I just have to, I don’t quit it. It haunts me and I make myself feel terrible and useless and I hate that about myself but love it at the same time (umm ok I have my reasons). But I continuously want what others have. I have terrible nights. Days worse. I feel dumb during lectures. I feel less talented by the day. I need to keep doing activities around me to keep me distracted. All my friends are hot and are the most sought-after girls on campus while I have to make-do with being oh-so-cute. I wish I had really really bad genes, a person naturally depleted. I never had a body image problem till I came to MICA. I never cared about buying a new dress for every party before. I’ve started doing things I have always considered wrong or bad or vain. Can you believe it! But I run myself into the ground and don’t ask anyone for their hand. I am too fucking arrogant to ask or admit that I have needs. When I was in school I wouldn’t talk to my crush ‘cause I felt if he heard me talk he would dislike me. Ok that's got nothing to do with this. Sometimes I am two people to myself and I don’t know which to listen to; the insecure loser or the cheerful confident one. If it wasn’t for the latter winning most of the times I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

But fuck that! Sleep time. Ah, this will phase out by morning. Cheerios!